Ain't Over Till It's Over
by KayLyn666
Summary: Four years after Sodapop Curtis went MIA during the Vietnam war, he and Steve Randle return home to Tulsa. Soda returns to a girlfriend and an almost 4 year old daughter, only to learn that not everything is as it was when he left. When he and Steve are forced to revisit their time in Nam, one turns to family, the other turns to drugs.
1. Prologue

It had been over four long, horrible years since we last heard anything from either Soda or Steve. When the twins turned 1 and Cola got horribly sick, it took all my strength not to shut down completely. I had been doing the best I could for the twins, but there was nothing I could do to save my tiny, precious son. He passed away on December 15, 1968, only a few weeks shy of Christmas.

To say the least, the holidays weren't anything to smile about after that. Even after two more years passed and Pepsi began to talk more clearly, I couldn't put the love and laughter into motherhood anymore. I lost my job at the diner, because I just couldn't keep going to work every day. The only reason the DX refused to fire me, was because Mike knew I was having a real hard time.

Darry and Ponyboy spent more time at my house than their own. Mary and Pony were still going steady, both enrolled in the last classes in our local community college, both excelling like expected. Darry had grown a lot more supportive, as he helped me raise my daughter. Michelle…well Michelle was the hard one. She often got lost in her thoughts, wandering aimlessly around our side of town. And even though she was only 8, she was horrified that she might never see two of the closest people in her life ever again.

When the mail came, it was Darry who encouraged me to open the letter from the army. It felt heavy. Like it held nothing but bad news.

_Mrs. Sodapop Curtis,_

"Since when were we married?" I sighed, shaking my head.

"He probably thought it'd be easier to get information to you that way?" Darry suggested. He too had a letter from the army, but refused to open it just yet.

_We are pleased to inform you, that your husband, Private Sodapop Curtis, has been located, alive and well, and will be returning home on August 19__th__, 1971._

"They found him," I said in disbelief. "They found Soda!"

Darry was quickly opening his letter, a smile crossing his lips as he read it. "Steve too," he said, handing me the letter. Since Steve's father's death in 1969, we had had all the Randle related letters forwarded to our address, in hopes to hear good news eventually. Little did we know, that after nearly five years, both of our friends…our brothers, were finally coming home.

When Pony got home with Mary later that afternoon, we all shared in a moment of laughter, knowing that they were coming home, safe at last.

Two-Bit joined us that evening and demanded that we celebrated. Normally, I didn't allow any such things to take place in front of my daughter, but since her dad was coming home in less than 3 days, I decided it was about time she got to be part of something so huge.

Michelle held her on her lap as we dished out chocolate cake with rainbow frosting, a treat in our house since no one made crazy colored food like Sodapop. I smiled as Pepsi dug in, her little hands quickly turning into a sticky mess.

"Mama mama!" she sang happily. I smiled for the first time since Cola died.

"Hey, my sticky little mess," I cooed.

"Sing sing!" she sang loudly.

"I don't wanna sing, baby," I said gently.

"Please?" she said, her innocent, sweet voice begging.

"Maybe later," I promised. I wiped the frosting from her hands before letting her down on the floor. Greaser, along with the little kitten who followed Michelle home from school a few weeks ago, followed beside her, the kitten trying to get her attention more than Greaser, who had become like another baby sitter for my young daughter.

"Mickey, go take Peppy out in the back yard to burn off some of that energy, would ya?" I instructed.

"Awwe, Jo, I don't wanna plan with her today!" she complained.

"Michelle, don't you dare sass me young lady," I said, shooing her out of my way. "I have laundry and dishes to do, along with the damn bills, now out you go."

"But-," I cut her off.

"No but's, now go," I said. She stood up and took Pepsi's hand in hers, grumbling sourly under her breath.

"Jo, you gon' have the laundry done before I gotta leave for work, right?" Mary asked hopefully.

"Probably not, unless you don't mind wet clothes," I sighed, looking at the clock. I knew her shift started at 11. On Friday and Saturday nights, she worked the 11 to 7 shift, since she found it easier to wait tables at night. Especially since it was only recently that the diner started staying open round the clock.

"Seriously? Jo, you knew I needed my skirt done!" she grumbled.

"Then go down to the laundry mat and get it done there," I snapped.

"Why so sour today?" Pony asked, helping me clear the table. "I thought this would make you a whole lot happier."

"I am happy, beyond words happy, Ponyboy, but I'm three months behind on the water bill, a month behind on the gas, and what with trying to pay off Cola's hospital bills and funeral bill, it just been way too tight around here."

"How'd you fall so behind? You're normally better than Darry at keeping the bills paid," he said carefully.

"Yeah well, the DX ain't makin' me rich, and raisin' a baby on your own ain't cheap. Now granted, you and your brother have been helping out making the load a lot lighter, but some of the bills just kept on comin' when there was nothing to put out," I sighed. In truth, after I was fired from the diner, it made matters a whole lot worse.

"I'm sorry," he said, realizing he overstepped his place. I nodded and turned away, pulling the bills from the drawer next to the stove. I sighed as I sat down, slowly adding up all the numbers.

"How in the…Pon, go get Darry, I need him to add these up for me," I sighed a moment later. He nodded and left the room to find Darry, who was far better at math.

"Sup?" Darry asked, coming up behind me a few minutes later.

"Add those up for me real quick," I said, pushing the bills towards him. I walked down the hall, pushing open my bedroom door. I went over to the old jewelry box that once belonged to my mother and pulled out the diamond ring my father used to propose to her over two decades ago. It was beautiful, just like she had been.

"I'm sorry, mama, you know I wouldn't do this if we weren't strapped for cash. But with the baby and everything…it's been real awful," I sighed, pushing the ring into my pocket. I walked back into the kitchen, where Darry was crunching numbers.

"Jo-Anna, how in the world did you manage to fall this far behind?" he asked, giving me a funny look. The only reason the state was off my back was because they knew I was involved with Soda, and knew that he was in the army. That was the only reason I didn't lose Michelle. Well that, and the fact that Mary is real good at convincing people these days.

"How much is it?" I asked, not caring to explain myself a second time.

"$520.50," he sighed. I shook my head slowly.

"I thought so," I sighed. I grabbed my coat off the back of the chair, before I realized it was almost 11. The pawn shop wouldn't be open until the next morning.

"What're you gonna do?" he asked carefully.

"Pawn my mama's wedding rings," I sighed. "Those, my dad's old watch, a few sets of pearls I inherited over the years. I should be able to just barely pay those off before Soda gets home."

"Is that what all this is about?" Darry asked. "You wanna make it look like you didn't fall apart since he left?"

I didn't say anything. I didn't want to admit it out loud.

"Glory, Jo-Anna Beth, you really think Soda's stupid enough to believe that? Shoot, you only got through those first few months because you were a young, naïve mother!" he hollered.

"Don't you dare take that tone with me, Darrel!" I growled.

"Mama?" Pepsi's timid voice called.

"C'mere Peppy girl," I said softly, pulling her into my arms. "Don't you worry your pretty little head."

"Why is Uncle Darry mad?" she asked, her eyes wide.

"Darry's not mad, pretty girl, he's just upset 'cause mama's been a bit silly," I lied smoothly. "Now, why don't you have Mickey tuck you in bed? I'll be in in a minute to sing you that song, okay?"

"Kay mama!" she said, her mood instantly brightening up. She got that from her dad. Being able to go from sad to happy in the snap of a finger.

"After I tuck her in, can I watch TV?" Michelle asked, coming to retrieve Pepsi.

"No, it's getting late and we have a lot to do tomorrow morning," I said softly. "And this weekend's gonna be over 'fore you know it. Tomorrow we'll clean this place up, maybe even mow the lawn, then Sunday, we'll go to church, then maybe we'll be able to go out and pick up some groceries. You aren't going to school Monday, since Soda's train gets here at 10 in the morning, alright?" I said quickly.

"Why Church? Only Mary and Ponyboy ever have the patience for it!" she complained.

"Because we're gonna thank God for bringing back Steve and Soda to us, ya hear? Now hush it, take your niece to bed, and get yourself tucked in, savvy?" I said quickly.

"Yes ma'am," she muttered, taking hold of Pepsi's hand. "You know, Mary offered to help with the bills this month, if that's what's got you so upset."

"Run along now, Michelle," Darry's tone made her pick up her pace.

"You haven't let Mary help you none?" Darry asked once the girls were out of earshot.

"No. She's gotta get her way through college. She didn't get a full ride like Ponyboy did," I sighed. "'sides, she works hard for what little she makes. I ain't about to make her hand it over to pay bills that I let pile up none."

"Shoot, you know all you gotta do is ask, and I'll help you with 'em," he said gently, his tone a lot softer now. "You were scared and lonely and trying your best. No one blames you for shutting down."

"I blame myself. Damnit, Darry, if I had been paying better attention to Cola when he got sick…if I wasn't so busy praying for Soda to come home…fuck, if I was just a better mother to him…he'd still be here…" I broke down for the first time since Cola passed away.

When Cola died, I had to fight with every ounce of strength I had to keep my family together. It was hard enough, believing that Soda was never going to come home, but knowing that he would never get to meet his son…that was something no one ever really predicted. Cola fought for two months before finally losing his fight, and boy, let me tell you, it was the worst two months of my life. He was so tiny…so frail. It just wasn't fair that an innocent child could get so sick.

"Are you hearin' me, Jo?" Darry's voice broke into my thoughts.

"Huh?"

"I was saying how Soda's not gonna care how bad things are when he gets back, he's just gonna care that he's here with us," he said gently.

"I know," I sighed, shaking my head. "But I wish…well I wish I could say he's coming home to the same person he left."

"Shoot, none of us are the same as we were three years ago, Jo, you know that. For starters, Two-Bit got a job," he said lightly. I smiled at that. That sure was a surprise, three years ago, just after the twins were born, Two-Bit got a job and insisted on helping with the bills. He even took classes to learn how to babysit better. It helped a ton in the beginning, back when I was working two jobs and Mary was still in high school. He watched all three of the kids, no problem at all.

"I think I wanna go see our friends," I sighed, finally deciding where I needed to be. "Mind keeping an eye on the girls till I get back?"

"Where're you going?" he asked, not entirely getting what I just said.

"To see Dally. God, what I'd give for his smart ass attitude right now," I sighed, grabbing my keys off the table.

"You'll have to hop the fence," he said carefully. "Just don't get caught this time."

In the years since Soda and Steve disappeared, I had been going to talk to our dead friends and family a few times a week. Normally, I'd sit with Martha and Darrel, or my mom and dad, sometimes even Tyler and Tommy. But after a while, especially after Cola died, I'd spent more and more time talking to Dally, longing for him to be here more than ever before. His wild, crazy ass used to keep us busy, if nothing else.

The drive to the cemetery took a little longer than planned, but when I pulled up in front of the locked gates, I took extra care to hide my car before hopping the fence along the far side. Finding the plots during the day time was hard enough, but finding them at night was damn near impossible. But since I'd been coming to them almost every night for the last two months, I knew exactly where I was going. I cracked a beer before sitting down, leaning against the tree that Dally was buried next to. I poured half of the amber liquid onto the grass before taking a swing of it myself.

"Hey Dally, how's it going?" I said softly, placing the beer beside me. "They found 'em man, they found Steve and Sodapop. They're coming home Monday morning. I know, it's a miracle right? Maybe just dumb luck. Hope you're watching over my son up there, Dally. He needs someone to take care of him…"

I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, but I didn't stop.

"You know, it's crazy now. Me and Darry, we used to be real close, but now, well now we barely see eyes to eye no more. It's almost as if Soda's getting drafted ruined our friendship. He sure is good with adding up the bills and helping Mary study though. I guess I owe him big time for that, huh?" I closed my eyes, letting the cool night air sooth the pain in my aching heart.

"I miss you, Dallas. Miss you real good. Hope you're raising hell wherever you are, you ol' goat. I'll see ya soon buddy," I poured what little was left of the beer over his headstone, before breaking the bottle against it, not caring if I drew attention to myself.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" a voice boomed. I stood up quickly, drawing the switchblade I still carried in my back pocket.

"Who the fuck are you?" I growled.

"Lower the blade, Jo, ain't no need for that here," the person stepped out of the shadows, into the dim moonlight. As soon as he did, I realized it was Tim Shepard. He and Dally used to be real good friends before Dally died.

"Glory Tim, trying to scare me half to death?" I sighed, shaking my head.

"No, don't gotta do that, that kid of yours will make you gray before you're 30," he chuckled. He was blitzed, I could see it just how we walked. "What're you doing this far out on a night like this anyhow?"

"Just trying to find peace, Tim," I said with a light sigh.

"Well shoot, you ain't gonna find that talking to ol' Dally here," he chuckled. "Why, a nice girl like you should be home raising babies."

"Not funny, Tim," I sighed. I was used to him treating me like a house wife – it's rare for a greaser girl to actually be polite and civil. But my mama, she raised me to be tough as nail and sweet as sugar, just depended on the situation. Mary had the sweet thing down now that she was older. Me? Well I was still as much a spitfire as I was 4 years ago.

"So's it true?" he asked, looking at me with wild eyes. The same wild eyes Dally had the day he died.

"S'what true?" I asked.

"They really find them? Soda and Steve?"

"They found 'em alright," I nodded. "They're coming home Monday."

"Well I'll be, good knowing those two are coming home. The DX there's been looking like a junk yard since they left, more cars coming in broke than going out fixed," he huffed.

"See ya around, Tim, try not to get hauled in," I said, turning to leave.

"Jo, wait," Tim said, grabbing my arm. Had it been anyone else, that would have been a move that would'a landed them with a nice shiner. But Tim, well Tim was like Dally. Hotheaded and not afraid to hit a woman.

"What?" I asked, pulling my arm free.

"I'm scared," he said, plopping down next to Dally's headstone.

"Scared of what?" I asked, taking a step towards him. Glory, he really was blitzed if he was admitting to be scared of something.

"Bein' drafted," he sighed.

"Aw, shoot Tim, you've been of age for longer than most, if your time ain't come yet, it ain't never coming," I said sincerely. "Don't be like Two-Bit was after the boys left. Don't get all worried 'bout something that prolly ain't ever gonna happen!"

"What if it does? What if I go over there and die or something? I don't wanna die, Jo," he said, his voice breaking.

"Tim Shepard, you've never been scared a day in your life. Pull yourself together, man. What would Dallas say if he saw you like this?" I said.

That got a smile on his face. He knew I was right. The more you worry, the more likely it is to happen. Besides, the reporters kept saying the end was near, the end was near. We just hoped to god it was.

I got home a lot later than I planned. Darry was asleep in the old lazy boy recliner, Pony on the couch, the TV on real low. Mary was asleep across Pony's lap. Normally, I'd make them all move around some, since I still wasn't too keen on Pony courting my little sister, but that night, I decided to let bygones be bygones and slipped into my own room, leaving the door cracked. I changed into one of Soda's old work shirts, like I did every night, before walking into Pepsi's room, pleased to see that that was tucked nicely in bed.

"Night Pepsi Nikole," I said softly, kissing the top of her head.

"Mama, sing to me," she said tiredly. I smiled and nudged her over on the bed. She rolled over, giving me room to lay down next to her. I pulled her into my arms, rocking gently back and forth.

"Somewhere over the rainbow,  
Way up high  
And the dreams that you dreamed of  
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere, over the rainbow,  
Blue birds fly,  
And the dreams that you dreamed of  
Dreams really do come true…

Someday, I'll wish upon a star  
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me  
Where trouble melts like lemon drops,  
High above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me oh…

Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly  
And the dream that you dare to, oh why, oh why can't I?"

"Mama, not that song," Pepsi cut me off, rolling over, now more awake than before. Normally, Over the Rainbow was her favorite lullaby, as she loved Alice in Wonderland more than any other movie.

"What song then?" I asked, kissing her forehead.

"The song you play when you miss daddy," she said, smiling up at me with those deep, soulful brown eyes of hers.

"God only knows?" I asked. I was never a Beach Boys fan, but that was one song that tugged at my heart since I first heard it.

"Mhm!" she said brightly. I kissed her forehead, wracking my brain trying to remember the lyrics.

"I may not always love you  
But long as there are stars above you  
You never need to doubt it  
I'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me  
Though life would still go on believe me  
The world could show nothing to me  
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me  
Well life would still go on believe me  
The world could show nothing to me  
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you  
God only knows what I'd be without you  
God only knows…" By the time I looked down, Pepsi was sound asleep, her thumb in her mouth, her other hand gripping tightly at the old stuffed bunny that had been passed down from Soda to Pony, to Michelle all the way down to her. The old thing had been stitched together so many times, lost most of its little plastic pellets, and was rubbed completely thin, but she loved it.

"Good night, my sleeping angel," I whispered, kissing her tenderly. "Daddy'll be home real soon," I promised, brushing her golden locks out of her face.

I carefully moved her so I could get off the bed. I looked over at the old crib that was still in her room, only now, it was filled with her few stuffed toys and old baby clothes.

"You were singing," Darry noted as I quietly walked into the kitchen. I spun around, momentarily frightened.

"What is it with people and sneaking up on me tonight?" I snapped, then smiled. "But yea, Pepsi asked me to sing to her."

"You know, you really do have one hell of a voice," Darry said softly. "I see what Soda meant."

"What do you mean?" I asked. Soda never mentioned anything to me about it.

"You really can make someone feel special just by singing," he shrugged. "I see why he loved your voice."

"Why he _loves_," I corrected. "We can stop talking about him in the past tense."

"You're right," Darry nodded. "You want anything?"

"Naw, I gotta get up in the morning, it's late. You should stay. I know Pony's not going nowhere tonight, and we've got the spare bed in the other bedroom still," I offered.

"That sounds just fine," he nodded, stifling a yawn. "Good night Jo."

"Night Darry. Sweet dreams," I said before turning off the television and making my way back to my room. Soda's old jacket was still thrown over the edge of the bed, just as it was all those years ago. That night, I decided to move it for the first time. I pulled it close, wrapping it around my body, letting the dull, barely there, scent of my will be husband lull me to sleep.

My last thought was "Welcome home, baby." As I drifted into a restless, dreamless sleep.


	2. Chapter 1 - Before You Come Home

The next morning, I woke up early to Pepsi crying loudly. I groaned and rolled over, nearly rolling off the bed in the process. Greaser whined, because he did actually fall off the bed in my haste to make it to my crying daughter. I stumbled over Tuffy, the kitten, and nearly kicked her across the room trying to get her out from under my feet. Normally she slept with Mary or Michelle, but obvious, everyone wanted my attention that morning.

"Shh, Pep, I'm coming," I called, rushing down the hall. When I reached her room, I saw her sitting up, tears streaming down her face. Darry made it to the door the same time I did, but moved aside as soon as he saw me. I sat down on her bed, pulling her into my arms.

"Now what's got you all worked up, little lady?" I asked gently, rocking her back and forth.

"I had a dream!" she wailed, burying her face into my chest.

"What kinda dream?" I asked softly.

"A bad one!" she cried, shaking something fierce.

"Baby girl, it's alright, nothin's gonna hurt you," I cooed.

"Not me, mama, Daddy!" she wailed. I sighed and looked over at Darry, who saw the pained look in my eyes. We'd all had dreams like that.

"Baby, daddy's coming home Monday, bright and early in the morning," I coaxed. "Daddy's alright, sweetheart," I promised. In a way, it seemed odd to me that my daughter could even dream anything about her father. She had never met him before, only heard stories and saw pictures. We'd spent hours putting together a photo album of Soda after Cola died. We'd done the same for Johnny, Dally, Tommy, Tyler, my mom and dad, Martha and Darrel, even of my grandparents and Soda's too. I didn't want her growing up wishing she had known them.

"Hey, Scout, why don't you go get Ponyboy and Mary up and get a nice big piece of cake?" Darry suggested. Scout was his nickname for her, ever since she was born. Pepsi simply shook her head, her tiny hands gripping tightly at my shirt.

"Hey, Pepsi, why don't we go sit in the living room and look at the photo album? How's that sound?" I suggested since I knew I wasn't going to be getting anymore sleep.

"I want daddy," she sniffled. I smiled into her hair.

"I want daddy too. Daddy'll be home the day after tomorrow, real early in the morning. Today, pretty baby, we're going to clean up the house and make it real nice for him and uncle Steve when they come home, and we'll even give Greaser a nice bath, and maybe even try and get Tuffy into the tub too to get that frosting off her back, how's that sound? Then we'll make a real special dinner and eat over at Uncle Darry's and come home and watch movies until we all fall asleep. Then tomorrow, we'll go to Church like we did a few weeks ago, and when we come home, we'll go down to the river and have a nice picnic, and then, it'll be time for bed, and when you wake up, we'll be on our way to the train station to pick up daddy. How's that sound?" I knew I lost her after the first sentence, but saying it out loud, made it feel so real. So perfect.

Pepsi sniffled, then looked up at me with those big, sad eyes.

"Before we clean, can we see Cola?" my heart broke. She rarely talked about her brother, let alone asked to visit him. Normally, I was the only one who wanted to go down to the cemetery.

"Sure, baby girl, if that's what you want to do," I said, kissing the top of her head as she nodded.

"I wanna see gram and gramps too," she said. I had to scramble to remember which set of parents we gave what names to. When I realized she was talking about Soda's parents, my heart melted.

"Alright, princess, whatever you want," I said, throwing a look at Darry. He nodded and sat down on the bed, taking Pepsi into his lap.

"I'll get you dressed as soon as I take a shower, okay Peppy? Hows' that sound?" I said, stretching. I was exhausted, but my daughter's demands were simple enough to fill. I heard Pony and Mary stirring in the living room, and after Pepsi nodded, I walked out to tell them the plan.

"Get dressed. Mar, make some eggs or something while I'm in the shower," I instructed as I picked up Tuffy, trying to pick the frosting out of her fur.

"Why? We going somewhere? I thought we were cleaning today?" she asked, confused.

"We are, after we visit Cola and gram and gramps. Wake up Michelle too, obviously, I have to bring her along, and she likes talking to Ty and mama, so we might as well make it a thing," I said, setting the kitten down on Pony's lap. "Unless you two want to stay home and watch her?"

"I wouldn't mind seeing Mom and Dad," Pony said. It didn't surprise me. Occasionally, he'd come with me when I visited the cemetery, so he could pick the weeds off of his parents graves, or put roses down, sometimes he'd sit with me when I talked to Dally or Johnny.

"And I'd like to see Mama," Mary chimed. "It's been too long."

"It really has, hasn't it?" I said softly. "In that case, I've got dibs on the shower first, but you two are more than welcome to run in back and get a shower over there. I'm taking a wild guess that Darry's gonna use my shower after, so the hot water will be out by the time we're both done," I added. "But Mary, if you go, bring Mickey with you. I hate having Darry try to keep her entertained along with Pepsi."

"Sure, sis. But hey, if we're going down to the cemetery, can we hit the diner on the way back? I need to pick up my check, since I'm taking off this weekend," Mary asked. "Plus, Meme and Pedro want to give you a little something, I couldn't help but give them the good news last night."

"Pedro still works there? I thought after the place was sold, him and Meme were fired?" I asked, surprised at the news.

"They weren't fired, exactly, but Pedro and Meme still come in every day for their coffee and sandwiches. Besides, they love knowing how Peppy is doing. That little girl has a fan club, and she's barely old enough to talk full sentences yet," Mary said with a smile. "Oh, by the way, we're out of grease, so if you're planning on putting your hair up, you'll have to go 'round back and borrow Pony's," she added.

"How are we out already?" I asked. I normally kept a spare jar of hair grease in the medicine cabinet, because unlike most of our habits, we were still greasers, and even though we were girls, we still had to use it to tame our curls. Especially Mary, whose hair is more wild than half the guys I grew up with. She hates wearing it up, but in order to wear it down, she had to put grease on each curl to keep them in place.

"I had to use the last of it last night, plus, Two-Bit used a whole lot of it last time he showered here," Mary laughed. "I can bring the jar over after we're done?"

"Do that, so I can get Peppy dressed. Oh, and Mickey needs her hair pulled back, since we're cleaning today. So either you do her hair, or at least brush it out before you bring her back, alright?" I said, laughing softly as I turned Greaser out into the yard. He barked happily, chasing after the birds that were perched on the clothes line.

"Sure thing. You need me to bring anything else over?" she asked.

"Nope. Just have breakfast on the table before I'm out of the shower," I reminded her as she was as ran down the hall to wake up Michelle.

I shook my head and flipped on the radio, turning the volume up as loud as I dared, hoping to add some happiness into the house. God knows we'd been lacking it.

As soon as I realized the song on the radio, I burst out laughing. Celebration Day, a more recent Led Zeppelin song blared over the speakers.

I ran into Pepsi's bedroom and pulled her into my arms, still only clad in Soda's work shirt.

"What're you doing?" Darry asked as I skidded down the hall.

"C'mon!" I laughed, swaying my hips in tune to the music. I spun Pepsi in my arms, knocking into the end table in the process.

"You're crazy!" Pony laughed, joining in.

As soon as the song ended, I paused to catch my breath. Pepsi was beaming brightly, her nightmare quickly forgotten. When Black Sabbath's Evil Woman began, I couldn't help but laugh at the irony.

"I never realized how much I loved modern music," I laughed loudly over the music, trying to keep Pepsi from sliding down my leg.

Darry laughed loudly, while Pony and Mary mouthed the words, totally out of time. Greaser ran between our legs, nearly knocking us over in the process, while Tuffy simply stared at us from her spot on top of the bookshelf like we were all insane.

After the song ended, I skidded to a stop, turning it down to a more civil volume.

"Okay, okay, that was very much needed," I laughed, looking at Michelle, who gave me a very sleepy, very angry look.

"You're all nuts!" she grumbled, slamming the bathroom door behind her.

"Hey, shower's mine!" I hollered, before laughing again. "See? We need Soda around here. When was the last time we did something completely stupid just for kicks?"

"True that!" Mary laughed, flopping down on the couch. "I'll take Peppy, since I'm gonna just wait to shower till we get back."

"Uh-uh, you're not going to use a shower as an excuse not to clean," I scolded.

"No, I'm not," she laughed. "I just want to spend a little time with Peppy, before everyone swoons over her," she added with a huge grin. "C'mon, you know the second you take her out, everyone's gonna want to hold her and swoon and make her feel like a little movie star."

"Well she is a little movie star, or she can be, if that's what she chooses to do with her life," I laughed. "Though I'd much rather she go off to college and do something a little more productive than that." I winked. "Like her all too smart Aunt and Uncles!"

"Har de har har har," Mary grumbled. "Hey, instead of eggs, why don't we just warm up the left overs? This way we can kill two birds with one stone?"

"Fine, but I expect breakfast on the table by the time I'm out of the shower, now get your butts up," I laughed. Pepsi smiled brightly, her eyes dancing just as her father's had.

I quickly made my way back to my bedroom and pulled out a pair of jeans and one of Soda's old flannels. I had taken to wearing his shirts a few months back, when I realized mine were no more than tattered pieces of cloth. I quickly remembered to grab my shampoo, since in this house hold, shampoo was the one thing everyone seemed to just grab for. Seeing how I used a slightly more expensive shampoo, because my curls had a bad habit of knotting up when wet, I didn't like people using it all up before I even got a chance to use it once.

"Let the dog back outside," I called over my shoulder before closing the door behind me.

I showered quickly, and by the time my hair was at least semi manageable, I could smell left over chili and hot dogs floating through the house. I smiled to myself, thrilled at how easy everything was that morning.

We all ate quickly, probably because no one really wanted to start cleaning, but we all knew the sooner we got the day started, the better.

By the time everyone was dressed, showered and ready to leave, it was already 10 and the sun was shining brightly outside. I scooped up Pepsi and tossed the keys to the truck to Mary.

"You're letting me drive the truck?" She asked skeptically.

"Well seeing how the truck only seats three at the most, why not? You, Pony and Mickey can sit up front, the rest of us can fit in back," I shrugged.

"You're taking Peppy in the back?" she asked, eyes widening.

"Dude, chill. Pepsi's not leaving my lap for a second and outta all of us, you're the smoothest driver," I laughed. "Besides, it's a nice morning, may as well enjoy a little fresh air while we're out."

"If you say so," Mary said, shaking her hair. "Oh, hey, I meant to ask you something."

"Sup?"

"Why's mama's wedding rings out of the jewelry box? Dad's watch is missing too," she said carefully.

"No reason," I said quickly.

"You ain't thinkin' of pawning them off, are you?" she asked me, her tone changing.

"Mar, we need the money. We're too far in debt right now," I sighed.

"So you're gon' just go off and pawn mama's stuff without even talking to me first?" she practically yelled.

"Why does it even matter?" Michelle asked. "It's not like they're here to wear 'em. 'Sides, we need to get rid of some of their junk anyhow."

"Michelle," I warned. She gave me a dirty look.

"I don't even know why we're wasting our time going down to the damn cemetery anyhow. It's not like we ever come back in a good mood!" she practically hollered. "I'm tired of actin' like this is one big happy family when it ain't!"

"Michelle, don't you take that tone young lady, or you'll be in your room for a week!" I snapped.

"Who cares? It ain't like I ever do nothing no how!" she screamed. She stomped to her room, slamming the door behind her loudly. "I ain't goin' either!"

"Michelle, sorry to tell you this little lady, but you don't get to call the shots around here," I said, coming up to her door. "Now you bring your scrawny self out here this instance."

"You aren't my mother! Stop acting like you are!" she screamed. She threw something at the door, causing me to take a step back.

I shook my head, pissed off by her sudden outburst. She was only 8 years old for God's sake, she had no reason to be acting like a teenage drama queen.

"I'll stay behind," Mary said gently. "I don't mind."

"No, she can't be thinkin' she can get away with talking to us like that," I sighed, sitting down on the arm of the recliner. "You were never like that when you were younger."

"That's because when mama and daddy died, I was old enough to comprehend it. Remember, Jo, she was only Pepsi's age when daddy died, and only a baby when mama was killed. She didn't get to know them like we did. Besides, Soda's leaving got her as upset as the rest of us, maybe even more so. She was real close to him after mama died, don't forget. Soda was the best at getting her to sleep and keeping her smiling," Mary said gently. "I'll stay, honest, I don't mind much. Just swing by when you're done and let me get my check."

"Mar, no, you take everyone down. I should stay. It ain't fair to have you cleaning up my messes for me," I sighed, shaking my head again.

"It's not up for discussion. Shoo, all of you, before I physically move you from this house," Mary said with a good natured laugh. "When you get back, I'll already have a load of laundry on the line and another in the wash. Might even be able to get a few of these stains outta the carpet," she smiled. "Take Greaser with you. You know he likes riding in the bed of the truck with you."

"Mar, have I ever told ya how proud I am to have you as my little sister?" I said as I hugged her tight. "Thanks for being such a good sport."

"You raised us right, Jo-Anna Beth, you made us who we are today. Well, maybe not today, but still, you did good. Now go on, 'fore I make Darry carry your butt out," she laughed. "I'll see you when you get back," she said to Pony as she tossed the keys to him. "Try not to kill any of 'em!"

"Hey!" he laughed.

All was right, for once. It seemed like our house…our family, was finally beginning to come together. Deep in my heart, I knew Michelle's outburst just had to do with her missing Sodapop. Shoot, we had all gone off from time to time, because we missed his happy-go-lucky self.

As we all piled into the truck, we were quiet, lost in our own thoughts. Somewhere along the line, we were all thinking the same thing. All thinking how glad we were that our Sopapop was coming home.

It was about damn time too!

* * *

**_A/n- I forgot to put this at the end of the very first chapter, so I'll do it now. For those of you who haven't read "Ain't So Easy" you're a little bit behind on some of the details. I'll fill you in on the important factors real fast. :) _**

**_Jo-Anna Beth "Jo" - The Narrator; a lifelong friend of the Curtis family, Soda's most recent girlfriend, who found out she was pregnant only days before Soda announced that he was drafted to fight in the Vietnam war, along with Steve._**

**_Michelle "Mickey/Mickey Mouse" - Jo's youngest sister, who was only 4 when "Ain't So Easy" took place. She is currently 8, going on 9 years old.  
_**

**_Mary - Jo's younger sister/Michelle's older sister. Currently 18 years old and has been dating Ponyboy since the end of "Ain't So Easy"; Currently enrolled in a local Community College with Ponyboy._**

**_Martha and Darrel Curtis "Gram and Gramps" - The Curtis' parents. _**

**_Nikole and Eric Cedar "Nana and Pops/Mama and Daddy or Dad" - Jo, Mary, and Michelle's parents. Both deceased. _**

**_Tyler Cedar - The oldest Cedar child. Died prior to "Ain't So Easy" _**

**_Thomas "Tommy" - Younger brother of Tyler and Jo, older brother to Mary and Michelle - died in the Vietnam war in the beginning of "Ain't So Easy"_**

**_Cola Shaynne Curtis "Cole" - Twin brother of Pepsi; died prior to "It Ain't Over Till It's Over"; death explained in later chapters; son of Sodapop and Jo._**

**_Pepsi Nikole Curtis "Peppy/Scout" - Twin sister of Cola_**

**_I think that pretty much brings everyone up to speed on the original characters, all of which play huge roles in the later chapters. The main point of view with stay on Jo, as she watches her "will be" husband and his best friend (Soda and Steve, in case that wasn't obvious ;)) struggle with adapting to normal life after what they'd both been through during the Vietnam War._**

**_I just figured, in case anyone didn't want to read the first story, that they should at least be able to follow along with some of the original characters in this one. :) Thanks to everyone who has already read these first two chapters! I'm really enjoying being able to twist a few character's personalities for a change. I promise, this isn't going to be your typical "Vietnam War" story. Seeing how I'm actually putting a lot of research into the conditions and what not, I hope it paints a picture for all of you! All suggestions are always welcomed, along with critics and general reviews! _**

**_Again, I thank you!  
~ Kayy_**


	3. Chapter 2 - Undue Kindness

When we got to the cemetery, we branched off, each moving to the plot of the person they really wanted to see. After telling Pony to take Pepsi with him, I headed straight for my mother's resting place. I sat down, resting a hand on her headstone, trying to fight the tears that always fell when I thought about my mother and how much I missed her.

"They found him, Mama, they found both of them. They're coming home," I said, tears in my eyes. "Thank you."

I sat there, silently thinking for a while. Thinking of how my mama was before she was killed. How she and Martha would take turns watching us kids, even long after we were too old to be contained. I remembered the look on her face the day she walked in on me and Darry kissing, since we both wanted to get it over with and neither of us had to guts to ask someone else. It was the most awkward thing in the world.

Thinking all that made me long for Soda even more. I found it funny, how my mama always thought I'd end up with him in the end, but Martha, well she seemed to know that my heart was stuck on Sodapop. She used to joke around, saying that we'd be the perfect balance between sweet and sour, since Soda has that happy-go-lucky attitude, that killer smile, and the kindhearted nature that was so hard to come across, and I was the spitfire who would land you on your ass faster than you could say hey.

"Mama," Pepsi's voice came across the way. I looked up and saw her stumbling towards me, Pony right beside her.

"Hey Pepsi, what's up, little lady?" I said softly.

"Can you sing that song to Cola?" she asked, her eyes dancing.

"Which one?" I asked, not entirely sure what she meant.

"Amazing Grace," Pony answered. "She remembers you singing it all the time after he passed."

I picked up my daughter and walked over to my son's plot, holding her in my arms as I took a deep breath.

"Amazing grace  
How sweet the sound  
That saved a wretch like me  
I once was lost, but now I'm found  
Was blind, but now I see,  
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear  
And grace my fears relieved  
How precious did that grace appear  
The hour I first believed…" Tears welled in my eyes, as I found myself remembering what my mama had told me about that beautiful, old song when I was about Michelle's age. I felt a hand resting on my shoulder, and when I looked up, Darry, who rarely ever sang, much less a song like this, continued on with the next verse.

"My chains are gone  
I've been set free  
My God, my Savior has ransomed me  
And like a flood His mercy rains  
Unending love, Amazing grace

The lord has promised good to me  
His word my hope secures  
He will my shield and portion be  
As long as life endures" he sang, his deep voice ringing clear through the cemetery. Pony smiled sadly, as he placed a kiss on top of Pepsi's head, while the three of us continued.

"My chains are gone  
I've been set free  
My God, my Savior has ransomed me  
And like a flood His mercy rains  
Unending love, Amazing grace

My chains are gone  
I've been set free  
My God, my Savior has ransomed me  
And life a flood His mercy rains  
Unending love, Amazing grace

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow  
The sun forbear to shine  
But God, who called me here below  
Will be forever mine  
Will be forever mine  
You are forever mine."

Pepsi had her head rested on my chest when the song came to an end. I felt her shoulders shake as she cried lightly into my hair, her little hands gripping at the front of my shirt. I kissed the top of her head, softly murmuring pretty little things to her.

"I miss 'im, ya know?" she cried, looking up at me with sad, dark eyes.

"I miss him too, Peppy, I miss him so much," I said softly. "But now he's with Gram and Gramps and Nana and Pops, and Tyler, Tommy, Dally and Johnnycakes. He's with our family, watching down on us every single day. He's watching over us, pretty girl, don't you ever forget that," I said, hugging her close.

"Mama?" she asked, sniffling loudly.

"Yeah?"

"Tell me 'gain how you met Dally," she said, forcing herself to smile. I smiled sadly and walked the short distance over to Dally's plot.

"Dallas Winston was a troubled kid. Your nana, she always used to say how that boy would either get one of us killed or get himself killed before he even knew what was happening," I said carefully, kneeling down in front of his plot. "He was a headstrong, daredevil, who loved danger more than anyone I know. He didn't love anyone…not even himself. No, actually, he loved Johnnycakes, shoot, we all loved Johnny," I whispered. "Anyhow, the first day I met Dally, I reckon, I was about 15, it was right after my mom died, I was down at the DX trying to lift a pack of smokes, since pops wouldn't give me the money to spend on cancer sticks," I went on. "anyway, he came running up to me, a wicked grin on his face as he tossed a pack at me and told me to run. Said it was payback."

"Payback for what?" she asked innocently.

"Well you see, me and Dally…we had a thing there for a while. Let's just say I knew Dally in a way you're way too young to understand," I laughed. "I didn't know it at the time – not really. Shoot, I was really stupid when I was that young. Anyway, after that, I barely talked to him much. We just did what we did, and let the actions speak louder than words, if you know what I mean." She nodded, before looking down at the small plot.

"Was he a nice man?" she asked.

I heard Pony snort behind me. I smiled and shook my head. "Dallas Winston didn't know the meaning of the word nice. He was a wild child to say the least. Kindness came at a price when it came to Dally," I laughed.

She nodded, too young to really understand much of what I had told her. I knew when she was older and met someone like Dally, she'd ask me how I met him again. When she's older, I'd tell her too.

We spent a few more minutes paying our respects to our family and friends, before piling back into the truck, Greaser stretching out across Darry's lap, while Pepsi stayed nice and snug in mine.

I told Pony to swing by the house to pick up Mary, and I was happy to see that Michelle was in a better mood as she stepped into the cab of the truck, her hair neatly pulled back out of her face. Mary smiled brightly as she swatted at Pony until he slid over, letting her in the driver's seat. I smiled as I tied Greaser to the old tire, so that when we pulled up to the diner, I didn't need to worry about him running off like he usually did.

"Morning Meme, morning Pedro," Mary greeted the couple as we all walked in. I had Pepsi in my arms, carefully trying to avoid people.

"Well morning to ya Mary! Bring that sweet little niece of your over here. Your sisters and brothers in law too," Pedro said brightly. I shook my head but walked over anyway, Darry and Pony close behind, Michelle coming up next to me.

"Morning Pedro, Meme," I said with a quick nod.

"So it's true, huh? They found them two boys in Nam? They're coming home?" Meme asked.

"Yes ma'am, both of 'em will be back in Tulsa early Monday morning," I said with a quick nod.

"Why, I'll be, it's good to know that that there husband of yours will finally be able to hold his little girl, it's a real shame what happened with that boy of yours," she said. I flinched. I hated when people openly spoke about my son.

"Ma'am, with all due respect, me and Sodapop aren't married," I corrected.

"You may as well be, Jo-Anna Beth, you fought so hard to keep yourself together after he was drafted, you did more than most wives do," she said, giving her husband a look. "Now, we here and a few folks from town all came together to give a little something to you all, something to take some o' the pressure off," she said, pushing an envelope towards me. Mary was grinning widely.

"Why, I can't accept this, ma'am," I said, without even opening the envelope.

"You've got no choice, Jo, we here insist," Pedro insisted. "Please, it'll make us all feel better about the whole thing." I nodded and tucked the envelope in my pocket, making a mental note to open it as soon as we were out of the diner. Mary dashed off to get her check, returning a moment later. After a few more minutes of idle chit chat, we were back in the truck, heading towards the pawn shop.

I passed Pepsi over to Darry, careful to keep her steady in the process, before opening the envelope. Inside was a rolled up wad of cash and a letter. I opened the letter, reading it carefully.

_Mrs. Sodapop Curtis,_

_You and your family has been an asset these last few years. You all fought so hard and so tirelessly to keep yourselves together, even after Sodapop went missing. We watched alotta families fall apart these last few years, but not yours. You never doubted your husband's ability to come home to you and your daughter. In honor of that, this is a small token of our love and support for you and your kin. We might not come from the best neighborhood, but shoot, you all prove that even the East side of town has it's good people._

_Sincerely yours  
The patrons of Marty's Diner. _

I shook my head in amazement. It was rare for greasers to ever get any kind of help, much less support. But I guess the war in 'Nam changed that. The war between the Socs and Greasers was just an old memory, no longer a threat to our children or younger brothers and sisters. It was strange to really wrap our heads around, but it was real. The world was changing because of that war.

I counted the money, my heart jumping into my throat when I saw how much it was. Just over 300 dollars.

"Glory," I breathed, totally taken off guard.

"What?" Darry asked. I handed him the letter and the envelope, before taking Pepsi back into my lap. His eyes widened when he counted the money out.

"Wow," he said softly, looking at me with a sad smile. "Looks like you have a fanclub."

"Haha," I said sourly. "You know how I feel about handouts."

"This isn't a handout, this is someone actually trying to help," he said. We pulled up to the curb next to the pawn shop just then, and as soon as we came to a complete stop, I handed Pepsi back to Darry.

"I'll be done in a few minutes," I said as I jumped out of the bed of the truck and ran inside. Mr. Richards, an older man with a gentle tone and sad, lonely eyes was standing behind the counter. He waved me over as soon as I came in.

"What can I do for you this fine afternoon?" he asked, giving me a huge smile.

"Well, Mr. Richards, I've got two wedding bands and an old watch to sell to you," I said as kindly as I could. I dropped them on the counter, shocked by how wide his eyes grew when he saw the rings.

"Why, these must be your mother's wedding rings," he noted. "I'm surprised you're parting with them."

"Hard times," I explained quickly. "How much do you reckon I could get for the whole lot?"

"The rings alone are worth about $200 each, but match that with the watch and the gold chains, why, I'd reckon you could get around $900 for the whole lot. How's that sound?" he asked. I gripped onto the counter to keep from falling. That was far more than I had been expecting.

"Why, I'd say that's just fine," I nodded quickly, not wanting to miss the offer.

"Since I knew your mama and she was a kind woman, I'll give you an even thousand, since I know those rings here will sell very quickly," he decided. I felt lightheaded. That was definitely not what I had been expecting. "I heard that boyfriend of yours is coming home Monday, I'm sure the family is pretty excited," he said idly and he counted out the cash.

"Yes sir, we're all thrilled to have Sodapop and Steve coming home at long last," I said politely. "You have a nice afternoon now, ya hear?"

"The same to you, Jo-Anna Beth. Take care, tell that sister of yours to stay outta trouble," he waved.

"Will do!" I called over my shoulder as I stepped back outside. I walked over to the truck, but didn't get in right away.

"You okay?" Darry asked, sliding towards me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah, just…shocked," I breathed, my heart still thumping something fierce in my chest.

"Why?" he asked.

"Mr. Richards was more than a little generous today," I whispered, handing him the money. His eyes grew the size of saucers when he counted it out.

"Glory, Jo, that's enough for the next three or four months if you spend it right," he gasped.

"I know," I whispered. I climbed back into the truck and cuddled Pepsi up to my chest. "It's just strange. Everyone's acting mighty off today."

"You ain't kiddin'," he said with a shake of his head. "Makes ya wonder, don't it?"

"Sure does, Darry, sure does."

After we got home, I tucked the money away in my bedroom, before instructing everyone where to clean and how to get it done right. The rest of the evening passed uneventfully, and once it was time for bed, no one objected.

The following morning, the tone at Church was different than the day before. The day seemed to pass in a blur. Maybe it was because we were all excited for Monday morning to arrive. Or maybe it was because we knew, as written in the old Robert Frost poem, _Nothing gold can stay. _


	4. Chapter 3 - Memories

"C'mon, Pepsi, you gotta get up little lady, we gotta head down to the train station to pick up daddy," I pleaded, shaking my sleeping daughter again. It was early, but we needed to get an early start if we had any hopes of beating the train to the station.

"Mmm," she mumbled tiredly, burying herself deeper in her pillows.

"Pepsi Nikole Curtis, get your skinny little self up this minute!" I said, losing patience with her.

"Five more minutes," she pleaded. The way she said it, made me remember back to when Darry would have me wake up Pony and Sodapop for school and work. I smiled, shaking my head as I opened the curtains, letting the sunlight flow into the room.

"I'm coming to drag you outta bed as soon as I get the girls up," I warned, leaving her door open as I walked across the hall to Michelle's room.

"Mickey, up and at 'em, today's homecoming day!" I said, opening her curtains too.

"Can't I just wait to see them when they come back to the house?" Michelle said tiredly. "I'm sleepy."

"Darling, that attitude will not be tolerated. Now get yourself up," I scolded. I left her door open as I walked down the hall to wake up Mary. When I opened the door, I found an unexpected sight.

"I thought I warned you about sleeping together under my roof?" I said loudly. Pony and Mary both sat up, eyes wide, their faces turning bright red.

"Sorry, Jo, I forgot," Mary quickly said.

"You forgot to stick a sock on the door? C'mon now, you know the rules, up, up, both of you," I said, laughing softly. "Lucky it was me and not your niece!" I added over my shoulder.

I was in a good mood. I didn't care that everyone was being difficult to wake. It felt nice knowing it was the last morning I'd be waking up to an empty side of the bed.

"Thanks," I said as Darry handed me a cup of coffee. He was smiling brightly, scrapping eggs around the two frying pans.

"No problem. Everyone up?" he asked, looking towards the hall.

"Pony and Mar are, the other two are being difficult. I figure I'll give them another five minutes before I set Greaser on 'em," I laughed. Greaser was watching Darry intently, waiting for him to drop something. I smiled at the dog, rubbing my hands through his thinning fur before scooping a handful of eggs off one of the plates and tossing it down to him. He ate it up quickly, excited by the gracious treat.

"Where's the kitten?" I asked, looking around for Tuffy. She normally followed the first person up to the kitchen for a bowl of cream and some tuna.

"Haven't seen her," Darry called as I wandered into the living room. Much to my surprise, she was curled up on Two-Bit's chest, swatting at his nose as he snored softly.

"Up and at 'em Two-Bit," I said, shaking his foot, causing him to jerk awake, sending the poor kitten flying. "Now look what you've done," I teased, scooping Tuffy up in my arms. Her pale cream coat was fluffed up.

"Morning," he grinned goofily. I smiled and set the cat back in his lap.

"Feed the kitten when you're done," I laughed as I opened up the curtains, letting the sunlight flow through the house.

"Girls, one more minute then I'm sending Greaser in to wake y'all up!" I called loudly.

"No," Michelle groaned loudly. "Not that damn dog!"

"Michelle Catharine! What have I told you about that mouth of yours?" I hollered.

"Sorry," she grumbled, walking out into the hall, her hair a fluffy mess.

"After breakfast, have Mary help you with your hair," I said gently. "I have to finish patching your jeans, then you'll be all set. See if you can't wake up Pepsi while you're back there," I instructed.

"C'mon, can't you get your own kid up?" she said bitterly.

"Michelle, don't take that tone, young lady," I scolded. "At least bring her to the table so she can eat. The sooner everyone is up and moving, the sooner we can get out that door."

"I still don't see why we all have to go," she said with an angry look on her face. "It's not like all of us really want to sit down at the stinky ol' train station, just to be packed like sardines in the trucks trying to get back home."

"That's it!" I snapped, completely losing my patience. "If you want to stay home, fine! But you can expect to be seeing nothing but your bedroom walls for the next month!"

"I don't care!" she screamed bitterly, slamming her bedroom door shut behind her. I was shocked. For a girl so young, she sure had a fucking attitude, on a day that was supposed to be happy and bright.

"What's that all about?" Two-Bit asked, giving me a funny look.

"Ever since the twins were born, Mickey's been nothing but unreasonable," I huffed, scooping the kitten from his lap. "I swear, she's worse than Dallas Winston with that mouth of hers sometimes!"

Two-Bit didn't say anything as I moved back to the kitchen, setting Tuffy down on the counter so she could eat in peace.

"Greaser, go get Peppy," I said, pushing him towards the back of the house. His eager barks assured me that he'd wake her up, one way or another. Five minutes later, my very sleepy daughter walked into the kitchen, Greaser at her side, nudging her along every time she paused to rub her eyes.

"Morning sleepy head," I said with a laugh. I picked her up and sat her at the table, handing her a fork for her eggs. "Eat up, then I'm going to braid your hair."

"Mama, why's Mickey so mad?" she asked with wide eyes.

"Your aunt's just being a brat," I laughed, stroking her hair. "Don't fret little one, there's nothing to worry about."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," Pony said, coming into the kitchen with Mary at his side.

"She's throwing shit around again," Mary added, shaking her head. "I thought she'd be as happy, if not more so, now that Soda's coming home."

"Right? It just doesn't make sense," I sighed, shaking my head. "I feel bad for startin' in on her, but man, that attitude is something else. You were never that bad," I couldn't get past it. Of all of us girls, I had had the worst attitude growing up, but damn, I was nothing like Michelle had been. I had my mouth washed out with soap enough times to learn to mind my tongue when I was her age.

"Maybe she's just afraid to admit how much she missed Soda," Mary suggested, handing me a plate of eggs before taking her seat. "I mean, we all knew she really looked up to him and all. Maybe him being gone for so long reminded her of mama and dad. Here one minute, gone the next."

I hadn't thought of it that way. Never once did I see it like that. Suddenly, it all came together and made sense. Maybe that was why for the last four years, she'd been hard to handle to say the least. She'd been shutting everyone out, especially me and Mary. It broke my heart that this was the first time I really took the time to think about how she might be dealing with this whole mess.

"I'll be right back," I said, swooping to kiss the top of Pepsi's head before walking down the hall. Instead of going to Michelle room, I went into my own, pulling a small wooden box off the top shelf of the closet. Along with the box, I pulled a worn out, ripped jacket. I cradled the items in my arms before knocking on Michelle's door.

"Go away!" she screamed. I could hear the tears in her voice.

"Mickey Mouse, I want to show you something," I said softly, leaning on the door, waiting to hear her response. She didn't say anything, but came and opened the door, before walking back to her bed, where she sat down on the blue and white comforter.

"What?" she grumbled sourly.

"C'mere," I said, pulling her towards me. Once she was in my lap, I laid the jacket out on the bed in front of us. "Do you remember this jacket?" I asked her softly. She shook her head. "This is the jacket Soda let to sleep in the might we took the truck out of town for the weekend, right before Martha and Darrel passed away. I remember when we got back, Martha hit the roof for us running off with you with us, but Soda swore up and down you wanted to come. You were only about 2 at the time," I smiled.

"Really?" she asked.

"Mhm," I smiled and opened the box, taking out a few photographs. "Normally Darry or Ponyboy or Mary took the pictures, since Soda was too caught up in chasing you, and I was too busy chasing him," I laughed as I showered her one of the pictures from us chasing her around the empty lot. "You fell and scraped your knees and Soda patched you up real good. You wouldn't let go of him the rest of the day."

I continued to show her the photos and little keepsakes. Keepsakes that had gotten me through some of the harder nights. I even showed her a lock of his hair, that I had insisted on keeping after we shaved his head before he left for 'Nam. I showed her the letters he'd written before he went missing, even showed her the first letter he ever wrote me, right after our mama died.

"Why are you showing me all this?" she asked, looking up at me with sad, deep blue eyes.

"Because," I said softly, kissing the top of her wild head. "Soda means the world to me, but he also means the world to our family. Steve too."

"You think they're gonna be the same as when they left?" she asked.

"The army changes people. But I think after some time to adjust and recover, they both are gonna be back to horsing around and causing trouble like always," I said, though I didn't really believe it. I'd seen what the army did to people. Pedro's son, a smart, near Soc of a man, was drafted two years prior to Soda and Steve and when he returned the summer after they left, he came back a totally different man. He was cold, emotionless and cruel. When Steve left, he already had so much hate for the world. I didn't think he could hate any more than he already did. But Sodapop…well he was the happy-go-lucky, full of life type. I was terrified to see what the army did to the man I loved.

"Can I…can I come with you guys?" Michelle finally asked, after holding the jacket close.

"Of course," I said, kissing her head again. "Help Mary with Pepsi and get dressed. We'll leave in an hour. I'll have your jeans ready in a few minutes."

"Thanks, sis," she said, hugging me tightly. I smiled and took the things back to my room, quickly setting about patching her jeans before changing into one of my few skirts. I choose a navy blue; knee length skirt and a t-shirt, before tying my hair back, letting the curls fall in loose, curly waves.

By the time everyone was ready to go, it took me a few minutes to figure out the seating arrangements. Ideally, I would take Pepsi in my truck, so that Steve and Soda would also be able to fit in it comfortably, but that would mean trying to fit Darry, Pony, Mary, Michelle and Two-Bit in Darry's truck, which was possible, but not my favorite plan. After thinking it over, I came up with a plan that I think everyone would settle on.

"Mary, you're gonna drive my truck, with Two-Bit, Michelle and Pepsi, since the girls can both fit in the cab just fine, and I'll ride with Darry and Ponyboy for the time being," I said after loading the blankets into the truck. I tried to never leave without them, since the bed of the trucks could get uncomfortable.

"Alright," She agreed with no problem. I buckled the girls in, before giving her a stern look.

"You stick right behind us, and when we get there, you wait for me to get the girls, alright?" I said softly.

"Alright," she nodded, catching my tone. "What's got you worried?"

"Nothing right now, but I've been down there when they brought home troops before. It isn't the best place," I said carefully. "I don't need either of the girls getting scared and trying to run off and getting hurt or lost, alright?"

"Sure, I get that, don't worry," she said. "I've got this covered."

I nodded and loaded Greaser into the bed of my truck with Two-Bit, who took hold of his leash, no questions asked. I climbed into the bed of Darry's truck, leaning back on the blankets.

"All set?" Darry called through the open window.

"Yeah," I said. A moment later, we were on the road.


	5. Chapter 4 - Broken Man

When we reached the station, I decided to lock Greaser in the cab of my truck, to avoid having him run off scaring people. Even though he was a lot older now, a lot weaker than he used to be too, he still had enough energy to cause trouble if he put his mind to it. As I was locking the door, I remembered to crack the windows so he could get some fresh air.

I took Pepsi in my arms, shifting my weight so she was resting on my hip, while Mary took hold of Michelle's hand. Pony wrapped his arm around her shoulders, while Two-Bit and Darry led the way to the platform. We all gathered together, waiting in silence for the train to arrive. Even Two-Bit couldn't come up with any smart ass remarks.

The ten minutes it took for the train to arrive felt like the longest ten minutes of my whole entire life. Longer than the ten minutes between the ambulance arriving to the house all those years ago when Soda was bleeding out on my parent's bedroom floor, or the ten minute conversation I had with the cops the night my mother was killed. Longer than the ten minutes it took for Darry to drive me to the hospital when I went into labor with the twins.

Those ten minutes seemed to last a lifetime.

When the train pulled up to the platform, I felt my heart racing in my chest as I held my breath waiting for them to come off. After several long minutes, I saw two very serious looking men walking towards us. As they approached, they removed their hats and shared a glance before looking dead at me.

"We're looking for Jo-Anna Beth Cedar," the older of the two said to Darry, who had stepped forward.

"I'm her," I said, coming up beside Darry. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"Ma'am, if you would please come with us, we'd like to talk to you about your husband," the younger one said gently.

"These here are his brothers, sir, whatever you've got to say, you can say it right here," I said, my eyes filling with tears. This couldn't be good.

"Jo, look," Mary caught my attention. She was pointing across the way, where a very familiar face stood out in the crowd. Steve Randle.

"Mar, go get 'im over here, would you?" I instructed. She nodded and dashed off before the two men before us could say anything.

"Ma'am, Private Curtis is asking for you and you only," the younger one said. "Now, we can waste time talking to you all here, or we can get you down to the hospital-," I didn't let him finish.

"With all due respect, you better start talkin' and quick!" I practically yelled. I felt Darry tense up beside me.

"Ma'am, there was an incident on the train…Your husband, he…well there's no easy way to put this," he said. As soon as the words were coming out of his mouth, I felt my heart sink. "He had a minor heart attack, so when the train stopped in Wagoner, they took him to the hospital there. Now, we can get you there in under an hour if you come with us."

"I know the way. Let him know I'm on my way, you hear me?" I said, already turning towards the truck.

"Mary, you take Peppy back to the house and wait for me there, you hear me?" I shouted in her direction. She was running towards me, her eyes as wide as saucers.

"What's wrong?" she called, already to my truck, grabbing the dog out of the cab.

"Soda's in the hospital in Wagoner, I'm heading out now," I said, slamming the door behind me as I turned the key in the ignition. "Tell Darry I'll call him when I get there and hear something!"

"Jo, don't drive off like this, sis, you're gonna crash the damn truck!" Mary pleaded, refusing the close the door. "Take a minute to calm down. Shoot, you don't wanna end up wrapped around a tree now, do you?"

"She's right," a familiar voice came. I looked up at saw Steve standing at my window. "Take a minute to breathe 'fore you drive down there. Won't do him no good if you're dead."

"Steve," I whispered, pushing the door open, hugging him tight before he had a chance to move away. "You know I can't wait to calm down."

"Then I'm coming with," Darry said, jumping into the passenger seat. "Drive!"

I slammed my door shut, shooting a look at Steve before slamming down on the gas, tearing outta the parking lot like the devil himself was after me. I pushed down on the gas, breaking several traffic laws in the process. But I didn't care. I didn't care about anything but making it to Wagoner as fast as possible.

"Slow down," Darry hollered as I spend onto the 51. I flew past the other cars on the road, not caring one bit as horns blared and birds were flipped. I just kept on driving. Half way there, I'd wished I'd listened to Darry's advice on slowing down. The damn motor was flooded.

"Fuck," I screamed, rolling to a stop at the side of the road.

"I told you not to floor it!" Darry snapped.

"Shut up and lemme think," I growled. I'd dealt with a flooded motor more than once before. Between that and it being overheated, it would take a few minutes for it to cool off enough to kick over.

I popped the hood and stepped back as a puff of smoke flew out. Once it cleared, I leaned over the motor, careful to avoid the hot parts.

"Try to get it to kick over," I called to Darry. He turned the key and after several long, frustrating minutes, it finally kicked over. I slid into the driver's seat after slamming the hood shut and tore outta there.

We made it to the hospital twenty minutes later. I didn't even bother to park the car properly before I tore out of it, running towards the emergency room. I went directly to the nurse's station, shocked to see that the two soldiers were already there.

"For Private Sodapop Curtis?" the nurse asked. I nodded breathlessly as she led the way down the hall, directly to the ICU. I spaced out as she started to go over his chart. Instead, I pushed past her the moment we approached his room.

He was laying down with wires and needles crisscrossing his body, the steady beeping of the heart monitor the only sound in the room. His entire right arm, from shoulder to wrist was wrapped up, his face as pale as the bandage that covered his arm. He looked so thin, so fragile and broken laying there.

"Oh, Sodapop," I whispered, the news finally sinking in. I would have fallen if Darry hadn't been right behind me. He put an arm around me, keeping me from sinking to the floor.

"He's been slipping in and out for the last hour or so," the nurse explained. "The doctor expects him to make a full recovery, but I must warn you, it will take a lot of time and effort for that to happen."

"Thank you," I managed to whisper, before pulling the seat up next to the bed, wrapping my fingers around his cold, pale hand.

"God, Sodapop, you gotta come back to me, honey, you gotta," I whispered, tears freely streaming down my face.

Across the room, Darry stood looking as scared and broken as he did the week Ponyboy was missing. He wore the same expression he did when Cola died.

"Darry, sit down, buddy," I said softly, motioning to the chair against the wall. He shook his head, but took a seat anyway.

"You're the girl he's been talking about?" a man in his late 30s asked as he walked into the room and picked up Soda's chart. I nodded, not trusting my voice. "And that is…?" he motioned to Darry.

"His brother," I managed to say, my voice breaking. The doctor nodded before addressing me.

"Your husband suffered a minor heart attack, which is what led to him being admitted, but I must say, the injuries he experienced while overseas are the more urgent concerns right now," he said, his tone neutral. "He suffered extreme burns to his right arm and several gunshots to his shoulder, stomach and left leg. Though I expect him to make a full recovery given time, rest and rehabilitation, it's going to be a long process," he went on. "We'd like to keep him for another 24 hours before transferring him to a hospital closer to home, but we can only do that with your consent, as you are his emergency contact."

"I thought Darry was his emergency contact?" I asked, my voice breaking.

"No, ma'am, he must have changed it when he signed the paperwork overseas. We need your consent as soon as possible, ma'am," he said, his tone urgent.

"Of course, whatever is best for him," I nodded, not even thinking. "Doc, I must ask, just how serious was the heart attack?"

"Minor, I assure you, that is the least of our concerns right now," he said, his tone gentle. "I strongly believe it was brought on from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is understandable given the circumstances he faced during his time overseas. I'll be back in a few hours to give you an update, alright?"

"Thank you," I nodded. As soon as the doctor left the room, I stood up and leaned against the wall, my heart racing in my chest.

"I need to call the kids and let the know what's up," I finally said. In all reality, I just needed some sky, but I wasn't gonna say that out loud. Darry only nodded, tossing me a quarter for the phone. I hurried out of the room, down the hall to the pay phone, where I slipped the quarter into the slot, waiting for someone to answer the damn phone.

"Curtis residence," Two-Bit's tired voice came over the phone.

"It's Jo, but Pony or Mary on," I instructed.

"They're not here," he said.

"What do you mean they ain't there?"

"They aren't here. They went to the DX or something. I'm here with Steve and the little ones," he elaborated.

"Okay, well listen good, 'cause I ain't calling back again today. Soda's got to stay here another 24 hours, so expect us home tomorrow afternoon, alright? He had a minor heart attack and from what the Doc's saying, he should make a full recovery. They're planning to transfer him to our hospital in the morning, so one of us will stop in to update you all then," I said quickly. "Put Steve on the phone, would ya?"

I heard the sound of the phone being passed around and a moment later, I heard Steve's worried voice.

"How are you holding up, buddy?" I asked quickly.

"Not so hot," he admitted. "You two staying the night in Wagoner?"

"Yeah, seeing how we've only got my truck an' all. Listen, when Mary gets back, tell her that she's gonna have to drive down here tomorrow morning to pick us up. The truck practically died on me on the way down here, and I sure don't wanna risk it on the way back. I'll have Mike send someone down to tow it back when I get a chance," I said, breathless.

"Sure, no problem," he sighed.

"Steve, hang in there, alright? Soda's gonna be fine," I lied.

"Don't lie to me, Jo-Anna," Steve said, his tone gentle, but worried.

"Sorry," I sighed, leaning against the phone. "Listen, if Pepsi cries for me tonight, just give her the old bunny that's lying around the house somewhere. That and a quick story from Pony should put her right to sleep. Tell Mickey not to worry herself none, that we'll be home tomorrow."

"Sure, no problem," Steve said again. "Hey Jo?"

"Mm?"

"Be strong, okay? I know it's killing you to see him like that, but you gotta be strong for him, okay?" he said.

"I'm trying, Steve, I really am."

"Good," he said. "I'll tell Mary you called."

"Thanks Steve," I said before hanging up. I turned, debating on going back to the room or going outside. My need for a weed was more demanding, so I headed outside and lit up, sick with worry.

This was definitely not what I had been expecting when I woke up that morning. I was terrified, and it was only going to get that much worse.


	6. Chapter 5 - After Great Pain

I stayed awake late into the night, even after Darry insisted I try and sleep. I just couldn't. I missed the sounds of my daughter's laugher or tears. The sounds of Pony and Mary causing trouble in the living room. The sounds of the kitten's soft paws against the wood, the dog's claws pitter pattering around the house. All those sounds made my life feel normal without Sodapop. All those sounds made me hate the world a little less. But there, in that hospital room, I was again reminded of why I hated the world. Why I hated our president for waging war in 'Nam. Why I hated my parents for leaving me with two sisters to raise on my own. Why I hated the man who killed my parents for taking them from me. Shoot, in a way, I even hated Soda, for getting my pregnant at 20 years old, then leaving before his children were even more. I hated God for taking my son from me, before his own father got to meet him. I hated that Soda was tortured beyond my wildest dreams.

All those thoughts kept me up, kept me pacing and kept me from relaxing once that night. I spent the whole night as a nervous wreck, much as I had three years prior when Cola spent all that time in the hospital. In a hospital where he ultimately died. What if that happened to Soda? What if all this time, all this fight and love was for nothing? What if he died too?

I couldn't take it. I couldn't take the thought of losing anyone else. I just couldn't. I looked at the clock and saw it was just after 6 in the morning. I grabbed my sweater off the back of the chair and made to walk outside when Darry saw me.

"Wait," he said softly, glancing at his sleeping brother. "Where're you going?"

"I need air," I breathed, my voice hitching in my throat.

"You good?" he asked, concern written across his face.

I didn't trust myself to speak. I felt the tears welling in my eyes as I shook my head. Darry stood up quietly and wrapped his arms around me as I cried into his chest, shaking with exhaustion, fear and stress. We stood there for a long time, quietly lost in our own thoughts. After I managed to calm down, I pulled away, wiped the tears from my eyes, and after sparing another glance at Soda, I walked out the door, down the hall, into the parking lot, where I lit a weed, not even caring that I was half asleep on my feet.

I was against a wall when I heard the familiar sound of Darry's pickup pulling into the parking lot. A moment later, Mary, Ponyboy, Steve, Two-Bit, Michelle and Pepsi were on their way over to me.

"I didn't mean bring the whole family," I sighed, sinking to the ground, too exhausted to stand any longer.

"Yeah well, you try convincing everyone to stay home," Mary smiled sadly. "Even Michelle insisted on getting up at the crack of dawn to come down here. Besides, no one comforts Pepsi like you do." I pulled Pepsi into my lap, rocking her back and forth gently, more for my own sake than hers.

"Soda's in room 206, but try not to disturb him, alright?" I said. Pony, Mary, Michelle and Two-Bit took off quickly to find the room, whereas Steve sat down next to me, his face masking all emotion.

He put an arm across my shoulders, letting me rest my head on his shoulder, my eyes half shut. I fought hard against the exhaustion, determined to finish my smoke. I put it out halfway through, too tired to even attempt to move.

"Mama, you can't sleep here," Pepsi said, her voice tired.

"Mmm, mama doesn't have the energy to move right now," I retorted, shifting her in my lap so she was lying down. "Let's take a little nap. Just for a few minutes." My eyes felt so heavy. My head ached from crying, my chest hurt from worrying so much.

"That's right, just rest," Steve said lightly, his voice so comforting, I found it almost impossible to believe that it was Steve Randle sitting beside me, not Soda.

"Mm, rest," I whispered.

"But mama, I wanna see daddy," Pepsi tried to beg, but her voice was too tired. I felt her breathing even out. Her little body comforting against mine.

"You'll see daddy soon," I promised, more to myself than her. I finally allowed sleep to take over, right there in the parking lot, with my daughter in my lap, my boyfriend's best friend; my brother, sitting beside me.

I woke up some time later, overly aware of my surroundings. I looked around and realized we were no longer in the parking lot. I reached for Pepsi, but she was no longer in my lap.

"Finally, you're up," a familiar voice teased. I looked up and saw Steve sitting in the chair beside Soda's bed, Pepsi sleeping in his lap.

"Morning," I yawned, trying to rotate feeling back into my numb limbs. "He wake up at all?"

"Naw, the Doc said they're getting ready to transfer him. Everyone else it out getting in the truck," he said softly. I walked over to Soda's bed and placed a hand on his.

"You're gonna be okay, Sodapop, I just know it," I said, kissing his forehead before turning to retrieve my daughter. "How'd we get in here anyhow?"

"Darry came looking for us. Carried you in while I grabbed the little tyke," he shrugged.

"Oh," I laughed softly. I looked up as the doctor came into the room.

"Ah, you're awake," he said brightly. "We're all set to transfer him to Tulsa. Now, we can't let you ride with him, but we can let you be there the moment he arrives." I nodded and picked up my sleeping daughter, holding her tight in my arms.

"I'll be there," I said, offering one last glance at Soda before me and Steve hightailed it to the parking lot, where Darry was waiting with the truck.

"Pony, you got room up there for Pepsi?" I asked him. He nodded and shoved his door open after making Michelle scoot over. He took Pepsi from me, freeing my arms so I could climb into the bed of the truck with Steve, Mary and Two-Bit. I leaned back against the side of the truck, half closing my eyes as Darry pulled out of the parking lot.

I woke up to a very warm body pressing up against me. I groaned and tried to roll over, only to make contact with the fur of a very scruffy dog. I opened my eyes and blinked, trying to figure out where I was. Then it dawned on me. I was in the Curtis's living room, spread out on the couch, Greaser half on my lap.

"People gotta stop moving me around so much," I muttered, sitting up, my back aching from sleeping in all the wrong places.

"Hey," Steve said, setting a mug of coffee on the table. "Feeling better?"

"Stiff as a board, but awake," I nodded. "Everyone else at the hospital?"

"Yeah. Darry said you needed some more sleep," he explained. "Sorry about Greaser. That damn dog didn't want to stay put."

"S'kay, I needed to get up anyway," I said, yawning. I still felt run down and foggy, but I knew that wouldn't pass until I had nothing left to worry about. I reached down and took hold of Greaser's collar, turning him out into the back yard before wandering to Pony's room, where I knew Mary kept a change of clothes. I snatched one of her old, jet black t-shirts and quickly changed out of my dirty one before walking into the bathroom.

When I saw myself in the mirror, I realized just how exhausted and worn down I looked. My hair was a curly mess; my bluish green eyes were dull. My face was pale with dark circles under my eyes. I sighed and ran a brush through my hair, attempting to tame the wild mess. It took some effort, but eventually I untangled the worst of the knots, which I quickly slicked down with grease.

"Almost ready?" Steve asked, leaning against the doorframe.

"Yeah," I sighed. "Any news?"

"None so far," he said. "He's gonna get better."

"I hope so," I sighed. I pulled my hair back, securing it with a ponytail before rinsing my mouth out and grabbing my small bag off the bathroom floor. I walked into Pony's room, ransacking his closet until I found an old pair of jeans that would actually fit me. Along with packing a spare set of clothes for Mary, I grabbed a blanket and a pillow, seeing how I had a feeling we'd be in for another long night.

I tossed the items into the back of Steve's car, which he must have went to pick up at the DX, before opening the gate that led to the shared backyard. I quickly grabbed hold of Greaser and led him to my house, where I let him in, checked the bowls for food and water, and turned on the lamp beside the window in the living room.

"Grease, don't eat the kitten while we're gone," I said, petting Tuffy's fur. "And guard the house for me." He looked up at me like I was out of my mind. I gave him a light pat before turning around, locking the door for the first time. I never bothered to lock the back door, since Greaser had a habit of scaring away intruders, but since I didn't know when I'd be back, I figured it was better safe than sorry.

"So I asked Mike to send someone to get your truck," Steve said as I climbed into the passenger seat.

"Thanks," I sighed, leaning back in the seat, resting my head against the window.

"You good?" he asked, looking at me.

I didn't say anything. A few minutes later, he pulled out of the driveway and off we went. We reached the hospital ten minutes later, and as soon as he parked, I silently walked up to the front desk and simply said "Curtis."

"Room 406," the nurse said, giving me a sympathetic smile. I wanted to growl at her. I wanted to tell her to fuck off. But I didn't. Instead, I turned around and went to the elevator, taking it to the fourth floor, where I located the room with no problems. I stood in the doorway, unaware of anything but my boyfriend; the man I loved with my entire heart and soul, laying there, sheet white against the white sheets, the heart monitor beeping steadily.

I sat against the wall in silence, not answering anyone's questions. I didn't move when Pepsi crawled into my lap, resting her head against my chest. I didn't respond when the doctor came in with an update. Words like _critical, urgent, all a matter of time. _Those words made it through the haze, but nothing else. There was no good news today. No glimmer of hope.

I vaguely recall Darry telling me that the transfer to Tulsa wasn't good. That Soda flat lined three times in the 50 minutes it took to get him there. That news made my stomach twist. My heart raced. I felt hopeless.

No one bothered me after that. They seemed to know I was coping in the only way I knew how. Pepsi would try to talk to me, but seemed to grasp that her mother, the only parent she knew, wasn't in the mood to talk. Instead, she sat in my lap, drawing her father, a man she had yet to even really meet, a picture with the crayons someone had brought her.

The hours ticked past and soon, Darry suggested that some of us go home to get some sleep. Mary offered to take Michelle and Pepsi, since it was pointless to keep them up any longer. I nodded my approval, still silently watching the steady rise and fall of Soda's chest. Steve went with Mary, along with Ponyboy. Steve swore he'd be back in an hour or two – he only wanted to get a shower and a change of clothes. Darry and Two-Bit insisted on staying. I don't remember what Two-Bit said, but it caused Darry to shoot him a dirty look.

I leaned heavily against the wall, unaware of the stiffness creeping up in spine. I hadn't moved in over twelve hours. Not to eat. Not to smoke. Not even to pee. I'd been through all this before. The year my son…our son died. I sat in a similar room, in that very hospital, for three long months as I watched my son fight for his life, only to finally give up only ten days before Christmas. The night that he died, I remembered losing it completely. I remember shutting down, leaving my infant daughter in the hands of the hospital staff until Darry came to take her home. I wouldn't speak for so long after that. It took months for me to finally pull myself back together. And that was only because Darry and Ponyboy and Mary became such a huge support system. They wouldn't leave me alone with Pepsi until they were absolutely sure I was back. And though I was, I was not the same woman I had been before Cola died. His death took a part of me, a part that could never be recovered. And now, sitting in the hospital once again, watching the one man I loved more than anything in the world, fight for his life, it crushed any ounce of hope I had in the world.

Darry kept looking at me with concern written all over his face. I knew exactly what he was thinking. He was waiting for it. Waiting for me to break. He knew it was coming as well as I did. I knew it was all a matter of time. But I couldn't break down. Not then. Not there. Not when Soda and our daughter needed me to be strong. Not when Michelle, poor, innocent Michelle needed me to be a mother to her as well as a sister. Not when Mary needed me to help her with advice she could only get from her big sister. Not when I had responsibilities and duties as an adult. As a mother.

But try as I might, I couldn't. I just couldn't go through it again. I couldn't lose another person. Another family member. Another friend. I didn't have the strength to go through that again. And not with Sodapop. I needed him. I needed him in my life. He was the only brightness on my rainy days. The only laughter. The only light. He was everything I needed and more.

Suddenly, tears welled in my eyes as I stood up for the first time in so long and walked the distance between the wall and Soda's bed. I crouched at his side, taking his hand in mine, tears streaming freely down my face.

"You can't die on me, you hear? I need you, Sodapop! I need you," I whispered, my voice hitching in my throat as the silent tears turned to sobs. "I can't go through this again. I can't!"

I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up and turned so fast, for a moment, I was dazed. When it cleared, I bolted. Like a frightened horse, I bolted. I ran to Darry's truck, tearing the door open with force. I snatched the keys from the visor, turning the key in the ignition, slamming on the gas. I tore out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell, driving with only one destination in mind. It was a long way to drive just for a little peace of mind, but I didn't care. I drove straight to the stables, parking the truck sloppily, running into the barn, past Red and Tony who were just finishing up for the night.

"I'm taking Thunderbird out," I called, running to the stall that held the most ornery, wild colt that stable had. Thunderbird was the only horse I'd ever been thrown off of, nearly six months prior, when I decided to enter a show for the first time since I was 14. I tacked him up, leading him out to the field before mounting him quickly. I kicked him into a full on gallop, dust flying behind us as we rode.

The wind on my face dried my tears, if only for a moment. And as we rode, the sun at our backs, I found myself momentarily feeling free. Alive. It was a feeling that was so rare now a day. I kicked him harder, pushing him into the fastest gallop he could possibly do, not caring that I was putting both of our lives in danger. The trail was rough. We weren't permitted to ride them alone. But that evening, I needed to. I needed the danger. I needed the adrenaline rush. I needed the fearless, reckless behavior to numb the pain in my heart.

As we rode, I felt my heart begin to race. With each swerve, each jump, each close call, I felt more and more alive. Even when he reared up, his intentions clear, I held on, letting the fear fuel the fire that had been burning me alive since the day Soda was drafted. The fire that threatened to burn to me a crisp every single day.

I didn't stop until we reached the small pond. A pond where I used to come for a little peace. A little pure, good hearted soul searching. I tied Thunderbird's rein to the tree, letting him graze in the patch of fresh grass before sitting down on the log that faced the sunset.

Watching it, I recalled an old poem my mother once read, back when I was still just a little girl. It was a poem that was by Emily Dickinson, "After Great Pain, A Formal Feeling Comes". I recalled the words, despite not hearing the poem in close to two decades.

"After great pain a formal feeling comes-  
The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;  
The stiff Heart questions-was it He that bore?  
And yesterday-or centuries before?

The feet, mechanical, go round  
A wooden way  
Of ground, or air, or ought,  
Regardless grown,  
A quartz contentment, like a stone.

This is the hour of lead  
Remembered if outlived,  
As freezing persons recollect the snow-  
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go."

I took a deep breath as tears clouded my vision. The sunset painted the sky amazing shades and pink and orange. It would have been beautiful, had it been on any other day. As I watched the sun set against the horizon, I realized that I had to fight. For Soda. For Pepsi. For my family. I had to keep on fighting. I had to accept the things I couldn't change, let go of the hate that was slowly killing me. Let go and let God my mother would have said. I had to let the past be the past and live in the present. Otherwise, I'd send myself to an early grave. And that wouldn't solve anything.

It took all my strength to mount Thunderbird again. This time, letting his pace slow to a canter as we weaved through the now dark trails. I should have sensed it. The real danger that night. It wasn't anything to do with my family that night. No. That night, the only danger was danger that I brought on myself by being careless; reckless. Reckless, stupid mistakes that would ultimately lead to a dangerous thing. Maybe if I had put my pride aside and told Darry how I was feeling. Maybe then, it wouldn't have ended in blood.


	7. Chapter 6 - Through The Glass

"Glory, is she alive?" Red asked Tony, who knelt beside me, his fingers feeling for my pulse. It was apparent to anyone that I had been thrown clear off the damn horse's back, my head colliding with a nearby tree. By the time the pair had realized I had been gone for far too long, they feared it was too late.

"She's alive Red, damnit boy, go get help," Tony hollered, terrified to even consider moving me. He was shaking all over, his hands covered in my blood. Thunderbird was nowhere in sight, probably got spooked by a raccoon or a fox or a snake. There was no telling. It was stupid, it was reckless and insane.

Red ran like hell to get back to the stable to call for help. He reached it in under ten minutes, his heart hammering in his chest as he dialed for an ambulance. Another ten minutes passed before he could lead the paramedics to where I laid. As soon as they saw me, they too, feared the worst.

"God, be with her," the woman said as she went right to work, carefully feeling for any injuries. She gasped when she saw how much blood I'd lost. "Her leg's broken!" she called to her partner, who was inspecting my head. "Clean through the skin."

"Her head doesn't seem to have any visible signs of injury, but I wouldn't doubt if she has a concussion," he responded. "Let's get her on a gurney and get her to the hospital, stat."

They loaded me up without another word, careful, ensuring that my head remained in place. They hooked me up to an IV drip and sped off so fast, we reached the hospital in 15 minutes instead of the 35 it normally would have taken.

As soon as we were there, Darry and Steve ran over, clearly already alerted about the accident.

"Glory," Steve gasped. His face went sheet white. Darry groaned, fearing that I was already dead.

"We're rushing her into surgery. Do you know her blood type?" a doctor demanded.

"O positive," Steve said instinctively. "Same as mine and Soda's."

"We're going to need to take a pint of blood from you. She's going to need a transfusion," a nurse said, coming up to collect him without another word.

The rest was a haze. Even later, no one could fill me in on the details of the rest of that night. According to Steve, the doctors were grim and wouldn't say much. According to Darry, I coded three times before they were able to stabilize me. Pony swore that he thought I was going to die. But I didn't. That night, I didn't die.

Instead, I saw something that I could only explain as a near death experience.

* * *

I wasn't in my body. Not really. Instead, I was hovering over myself, looking down at the bloodstained sheet, my head bandaged, my leg in a splint. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. And then I saw her. My mother. Holding my infant son.

"Jo," she said with a smile, walking towards me, my son cradled in her arms. "Cola misses you."

"I miss you," I whispered. "Both of you!"

"Come child, we need to talk."

We left the hospital, arriving at a beautiful, quiet park. A park I had never seen before in my entire life. I followed beside her as she led the way to a pond, a pretty little thing, with lilies and dragonflies and frogs.

"You know, Jo-Anna Beth, when I held you in my arms for the first time, I knew you were special," she said softly, her crystal blue eyes glimmering against the sunlight, her honey blonde curls flowing beautifully down her back. "I said to myself 'that little girl is going to change the world with her smile.' And boy you did. You made your daddy one proud man. He wanted the world for you, even though we could barely afford the milk to keep your alive. Your smile could brighten anyone's day. I remember watching you learn to walk. You tripped and fell so much, Tyler, why, he used to think you'd never walk. But you did. And when you did, you started chasing Darry around, with your little hands on Tyler's arm, carefully making sure you didn't fall again."

I listened to her talk, so sure that I was dead, I didn't dare to speak.

"When little Michelle was born all those years later, you stepped up to bat and cared for her better than anyone else. While the boys wanted nothing to do with her, you took care of her. Mary too. You loved those girls so much. Even Sodapop came along to help a lot. It made me and your daddy so happy to see you two watching the little girls, it made us know for sure you two would end up together in the end," she said, placing a hand on mine. "How is Sodapop dear?"

"Not good, mama," I whispered. Tears rolled down my cheeks. "Not good."

"Well darling, you know as well as I that that boy there is full of life. And he ain't going nowhere no time soon, I can promise you that," she said with a smile. "What about Darry and Ponyboy? How are they? It's a shame that their folks died like that."

"They're worried about Soda," I sighed. "Just like the rest of us."

"I know, sweetheart. And Mary? Is Ponyboy still courting her?" she asked.

"You could say that," I said with a smile. "I reckon those two are gonna get married one day."

"Oh, I'm sure they will," she nodded in agreement. "Here, hold your son for a while." She handed Cola to me. His light brown locks fell over his eyes just as I remembered. I brushed them aside, smiling down at his blue eyes. Eyes he got from me. Him and Pepsi were twins but not identical. They were each unique and beautiful and full of life. Or at least they were until Cola was taken from me.

"Mama, am I dead?" I asked.

"No, Jo-Anna Beth, you silly girl," she smiled at me, her eyes twinkling. "You're just passin' through."

We sat there in a comfortable silence for a while. Her arm around my shoulders, my son in my lap. It felt right. It felt perfect.

"You have to go back soon," she said lightly, kissing my cheek. "But before you do, I want you to listen real good." I nodded, waiting for her to continue.

"You're going to marry Sodapop real soon. You'll finally be _The_ Mrs. Sodapop Curtis," she said lightly. "He needs you to be strong for him. Be that spitfire of a woman I know you are deep down. Prove to him that you're there for better and for worse. Together, you two can get through anything. Don't let this be the end of you." She looked towards the pond, a sad look on her face.

"You'll need each other for a while, and soon, you'll be relying on each other more than you know. But you have to remember, you've got your whole lives together. You've got years and years to go. Promise me that you'll remember that?"

"I'll remember, mama," I said, hugging her tight.

"Do you remember the poem I used to read to you every night? The one by Robert Frost?" she asked.

"Of course," I said quickly, recalling it as soon as she asked. "A Solider."

"Do you remember the words?"

"He is that fallen lance that lies as hurled,  
That lies unlifted now, come dew, come rust,  
But still lies pointed as it plowed the dust.  
If we who sight along it round the world,  
See nothing worthy to have been its mark,  
It is because like men we look too near,  
Forgetting that as fitted to the sphere,  
Our missiles always make too short an arc.  
They fall, they rip the grass, they intersect  
The curve of earth, and striking, break their own;  
They make us cringe for metal-point on stone.  
But this we know, the obstacle that checked  
And tripped the body, shot the spirit on  
Further than target ever showed or shone." I recited.

"Remember those words, you hear?"

A bright light seemed to shine from above. The next thing I knew, I was blinking hard against a bright light, concerned faces surrounding me.

"She's waking up," a familiar voice rang clear. I turned my head to see Steve clutching my hand for dear life. I squeezed back, reassuring him that I was there. That I was alive.

"What happened?" I managed to whisper. I couldn't remember.

"You got thrown off Thunderbird," Steve said carefully. "Don'tcha remember?"

"No," I said, my voice barely a whisper.

"You're pretty messed up," Darry said gently. "You've got a concussion and your leg is broken. The bone pierced right through the leg. Thankfully, Red and Tony found you in time. The Doc says you'll be up and around in a week or two, but you'll have to take it easy for six weeks."

"Okay," I said simply, letting my eyes close again.

"Hey, no, no, you gotta keep your eyes open," Darry coaxed, shaking me gently.

"Mmm, just a minute, the light's too bright," I pleaded.

"What light?" I heard Pony ask. I felt someone lifting my eyelids, shining a bright light into my eyes.

"That light," I moaned.

"Easy," Steve said, his voice calm. "Just relax."

"Steve, stop talking," I begged. My head was throbbing something fierce. I took a deep breath and once I felt the doctor move away, I sat up slowly, testing myself before slowly opening my eyes.

"How're you feeling, Jo?" the doctor asked kindly.

"Like I got kicked by a horse," I said, forcing a smile. "How's Sodapop?" I asked, directing my question to Darry.

"Still no change," he sighed.

"I want to be moved to his room," I said, this time addressing the doctor.

"Well…normally we wouldn't do it like that, but seeing how he's your husband," he said. I didn't stop to correct him. "I'll see what I can do."

An hour later, they moved me into his room, which worked just fine, since I'd be stuck in bed for a week at least.

What the hell were you thinking, taking Thunderbird out anyhow?" Two-Bit asked, giving me a funny look.

"Needed to blow off steam," I shrugged. "'Sides, I wasn't even going fast. Something must've spooked him."

"You can't be that reckless all the time, Jo," Darry scolded.

"No shit," I sighed. I leaned back, letting my eyes shut. I felt Steve shake me, but I swatted his hand away. "I ain't falling asleep on ya."

"C'mon, talk to me," Steve said gently. "Just tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

"I saw my mama today," I whispered, letting my eyes open so I could see his expression. He looked surprised. Darry looked like he was about to get up and call the doctor. "It was like a dream. She told me to be strong, for Sodapop and Pepsi," I went on. "Told me we'd be needing one another."

"Your mother was always a wise woman," Darry said with a nod.

"Yeah, that she was."

I fought against the exhaustion that was fighting to take hold. A few more hours passed quickly before the doctor told me I could sleep, but that someone would wake me every hour for the next twelve hours. I nodded, too tired to really wrap my head around what he was saying.


	8. Chapter 7 - Hell and High Water

_We were going too fast. Deep down I knew that. I knew it was a death wish. Thunderbird's hooves hit the path with such force, kicking up dirt behind him. Then I saw it. I saw it right as it happened. The fox darted across the path, freezing like a deer in headlights when it saw us approaching. It bared it's fangs and I knew. I knew right away it was rabid. Thunderbird reared, nearly throwing me from the saddle. In his haste, the fox darted to his back legs, unsteady and crazed. He sank his teeth into the horse's flesh and that was it. Thunderbird bucked and reared until I was free from his back. I sailed across the sky, hitting a tree at full speed. I heard the bones in my leg snap, felt the sheering pain as they pierced the skin. Then…then my head connected with the dirt path. Then I saw no more. _

I jerked awake, breathing hard, my entire body soaked in sweat. I cursed bitterly, sitting up, overly aware of the cast that weighed my leg down. It had been almost a week since everything took place. A long, drug infused week of nothing but nothingness. Soda woke up a few times, but each time he did, I was out cold, knocked out on pain killers.

I swung my legs over the bed, reaching for the crutches that sat against it.

"Be careful," Darry warned, coming up beside me to help me stand. I stood up, balancing carefully on the crutches. I limped over to Soda, sitting down heavily on the edge of his bed. I ran my hand through his hair, determined to get him to wake up for me.

"C'mon sleepy, I wanna see those beautiful eyes of yours," I coaxed. He stirred slightly, but didn't wake. I smiled sadly at him, brushing the hair from his eyes. "C'mon Sodapop, just wake up this once for me."

"Mmm," he murmured, his eyes twitching. He slowly opened them and for the first time in four years, I saw his beautiful, chocolate brown eyes.

"There's my handsome boyfriend," I whispered. It was amazing. Seeing him awake after all the time. Really seeing him. It made everything a little better.

"Hey," he whispered, his voice soft. I reached over to hand him a glass of water. He sat up slowly, taking small sips. "Thanks." He smiled that movie star smile and it was all over. Carefully, I put my arms around him, sobbing into his neck. He kissed my shoulder, hugging me just as tight.

"Glory, Sodapop, I didn't think I'd ever see you awake," I cried.

"Look who's talking," he chuckled. He pushed me away gently, staring at me. It was like he was really seeing me for the first time. "You look tired."

"So you do," I laughed, wiping the tears from my eyes. "How're you feeling?"

"Better, really," he said gently. "Ready to blow this joint though."

"I bet," I laughed, tracing his features under my fingers. I couldn't help but wonder if it was all a dream. He sounded like the same man I fell in love with, the same goofy, happy go lucky man, but was he really? Was this really my Sodapop?

"There's someone you should introduce seeing how you're both awake an' all," Mary said, having seen us from the hall. She walked in with Pepsi at her side. I hadn't seen my daughter at all that whole week.

"Oh, Pepsi, come here!" I called. She ran to me, knocking my leg in the process. I hissed, grabbing her by the back of her shirt, lifting her off the ground. "Watch. The. Leg." I wheezed.

"Sorry, mama!" she cried, her eyes widening.

"It's okay, now get up here you klutz," I teased. She sat next to me, studying Soda quietly.

"Sodapop, this here is Pepsi Nikole, you're daughter," I said softly. He grinned hugely, spread his arms and before you knew it, Pepsi was hugging him so tight, I was sure she'd explode with excitement.

"Pep, that's your daddy," I said brightly.

"I know!" she squealed with delight. "I remember the pictures!"

"She's been wanting to meet you s'long as she could talk," I explained. Soda smiled and kissed her wavy hair.

"Well ain't you the cutest little lady I've ever seen?" he said, staring down into her dark eyes.

"I love you daddy," she said brightly, kissing his cheek before coming back over to me. "Mama, when are you coming home?" she asked

"Tomorrow morning if I manage to walk around some," I said. "Daddy'll be home the day after if he keeps improving like he is."

"I miss you tucking me in at night," she said, her eyes filling with tears.

"Tell ya what, you can spend the night here tonight, how's that sound?" I suggested, throwing a look at Darry, who nodded his approval. "I've got that old book of poems in my bag, I'll read to you," I said, hugging her close.

"Really? You mean it?" she asked eagerly. "You never read!"

"I know, right? Well I'm feeling pretty generous tonight," I teased.

"Can you sing that song? Now that daddy's here?" she begged. I blushed a little and motioned for Darry to slide the chair over. When he did, I sat Pepsi in it, slowly pulling myself up on the crutches.

"Which song princess?" I asked.

"The one you used to sing to me and Cola," she said. "The one you'd sing early in the morning when the news was on."

Suddenly, my heart sank.

"Who's Cola?" Soda asked, sitting up a little straighter.

"Darry, take Pepsi down to the cafeteria for some dinner," I said, not taking my eyes off Soda.

"Sure, no problem." I waited until everyone left the room except me and Soda.

"Soda, don't get worked up, okay?" I begged, looking him right in the eyes as I sat down on the edge of his bed, my leg throbbing something fierce.

"Who's Cola?" he demanded. "You cheat on me while I was gone?" His tone was harsh.

"God no!" I cried. Tears welled in my eyes. How could he think that little of me? "Soda…we…we had twins. The pregnancy was complicated. I almost lost them early on. But I didn't. I didn't lose 'em." I reached for my bag, taking out a photograph from right after the twins were born. "On October 8th, 1967 Pepsi Nikole and Cola Shaynne were born. On December 15th, 1968, our son…Cola, died from a complication with Meningitis," I whispered, fighting back the tears. "He fought so damn hard, Sodapop, so frigging hard. But it didn't matter."

"We…we had a son?" he asked, tears filling his eyes.

"Yes," I whispered, leaning over to hug him. He pushed me away, anger flashing in his eyes.

"We had a son and let watched him die?" he screamed. I stood up, struggling to balance for a moment. "I…I don't even want to see your face right now."

I was at a loss of words. I bit back tears as I turned as quickly as I could, stumbling out of the room and down the hall. Steve was standing against the wall, a pained look on his face. I sank to the floor, my leg painfully stretch in front of me. I didn't know what to do or say.

"He's just upset," Steve said, coming to sit beside me. "He'll cool off."

"No. He won't," I whispered. Deep in my heart I knew this was just the beginning. "He blames me."

"Well he shouldn't. It wasn't your fault," Steve said softly, putting his arm around me.

We sat in silence after that. I didn't dare return to the room I shared with Soda. When Darry came back with Pepsi, my expression told him all he needed to know.

"Ponyboy, why don't you and Mary take Pepsi back to the house for the night?" he suggested.

"But I thought I was sleeping with you, mama?" Pepsi asked, her eyes wide.

"Not tonight," I said, trying to keep my voice steady. "Tomorrow, I promise, I'll make it up to you, okay?" She nodded sadly and took Mary's hand. Pony looked ready to argue but decided against it when Steve shook his head.

"What happened?" Darry asked once they were out of earshot.

"He blames me," I whispered. I couldn't even look him in the eye. "He blames me for Cola dying."

"That's stupid," Darry sighed. "It wasn't your fault."

"Maybe it was. Maybe if I was a better mother or took him to the hospital sooner or…I don't know. Maybe if I did something different, he wouldn't be dead right now," I whispered, tears rolling down my cheeks.

Darry sighed and walked into the room. From where we sat, Steve and I could hear the conversation.

"I never want to see her again," Soda growled. "She's nothing but a negligent, sorry excuse of a woman!"

"That's the mother of your children and one of our own you're talking about, Sodapop," Darry hissed, his tone much softer than Soda's.

"I don't give a rat's ass!" Soda hollered. "If I never see her again, it'll be too soon!"

I buried my face into Steve's chest, crying bitterly, his words feeling like a million knives stabbing me in the heart. I felt completely lost, betrayed. I felt like someone took my world and turned it upside down and inside out, just for kicks. It broke my heart. It absolutely broke my heart.

"Shh, it'll blow over," Steve kept trying to say. But he was wrong. Deep down, I knew it. Soda was furious. And I couldn't blame him.

I hadn't been expecting his reaction. That happy go lucky, full of life man I fell in love with was no longer there. Maybe in body, but not in spirit.

I decided to go home that night, against doctor's orders. Mary said she had no problem keeping the kids over at the Curtis's, so I had the house to myself aside from Greaser and Tuffy and Steve. Steve said he'd stay so I didn't get lonely, but I think he needed to get outta that hospital too. I think seeing his best friend like that was really hurting him. Maybe even more than it was hurting me.

I walked into Pepsi's room after the cat was fed and Greaser was back in for the night. Her room that she once shared with her brother nearly three years ago. A room that should have brought happiness, not pain and definitely not sadness. I walked over to the crib that still stood in the far corner, lifting the little blue blanket up to my cheek. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that my son was dead and my boyfriend blamed me. It wasn't fair that Sodapop went through help overseas or that Steve had to see and do things he wasn't proud of. It wasn't fair that me and Darry had to pool our money together on a weekly basis just to get by. It wasn't fair that there was this much hurt in a family that had already gone through hell.

I walked into the living room, where Steve was eating a sandwich, Greaser spread out at his feet. I sat down on the recliner, closing my eyes.

"You know Greaser, you're probably the only person that hasn't changed these last few years," I said to the dog. He whined and walked over to me, his head resting on my leg. "You know that you old dog you? You're the only constant this here family's had in damn near five years," I kissed his head, rubbing my fingers through his fur. Guess you really were our little life saver, huh boy?"

"He's gonna come around, Jo, you gotta know that," Steve said softly. He looked at me with sad, hopeless eyes. I knew even though he wanted to believe it, he didn't.

"I wouldn't be so sure, Steve."

That night, everything changed when Sodapop came storming through the front door, his eyes ablaze with hatred and horror. That night sparked a lifetime of doubt and worry.


	9. Chapter 8 - Heroin Addiction

Darry called us at 2 in the morning, going on about how Soda left the hospital and was nowhere to be found. By his tone, I knew he was worried. I immediately ran out back, waking everyone else up. Together, Steve, Two-Bit, Ponyboy, Mary, Michelle, Pepsi and I were all crowded into my living room, trying to come up with a plan. Darry said he was on his way home, so I made sure to leave a note on the front door telling him where we were.

"He couldn't have gotten far, could he?" Mary asked, holding Pepsi in her lap. Michelle fell asleep lying on Two-Bit's lap and I didn't have the heart to move her.

"Soda wouldn't go far," I sighed, my heart sinking. "I'll call Mike and have him check the garage. I doubt he'd go there, but ya never know," I decided, heading towards the phone. Before I dialed, I looked at Steve. "Bring the dog in. Last thing I need is him catching wind of Soda and doing something stupid." We all remembered how Greaser could get. He'd run you down and take a good bite outta you before realizing what he was doing. It was great in a pinch, but bad when it came to a wounded, overly emotional solider.

I went into the kitchen and dialed Mike's home number. After several rings, he picked up. Just as I was explaining what happened, Darry came storming through the door, a look of concern written across his face. I was struggling to keep my balance, my right hand supporting my full weight as I leaned on the counter, trying not to slip. Mike agreed to drive down to the station to have a look.

"Mike's checking the garage. If he ain't there, I'll Tim to check Buck's for us," I told Darry, who sat down heavily in the recliner, a look of defeat on his face.

"And if he ain't there?"

"Then we'll load up the trucks and search from here to Timbuktu if we have to," I said. I shifted my weight, my leg hurting something fierce.

We waited in silence, everyone jerking and jittery. It was hard to wrap our heads around where Sodapop could be. When the phone rang, I picked it up on the first ring.

"Hello?"

"Jo, it's Mike," his tone was a mix of tired and confused. "Soda ain't here, but someone's been here all right. Money's missing from the register."

"You aren't accusing Sodapop now are you?" I growled, defending Soda quickly.

"I ain't accusing no one," he sighed. "But you know as well as I do that no one's been able to rob this place in years. Not with us being open till two and locking the cash in the safe at night. Only a handful of people know the code to that lock."

"Don't accuse until you're certain," I growled. "But thanks Mike. I gotta make a few more calls."

As soon as the dial tone began, I was dialing Tim's house. He answered on the 15th ring.

"It better be important," his angry, tired voice came.

"Tim, its Jo-Anna Beth. Listen, Soda's gone missing, can you get down to Buck's and see if he's there?" I asked quickly.

"Shoot, of course I can. I'll call an' let ya know," he agreed quickly. One thing I liked about Tim, he knew when he owed someone a favor. He hung up and I nodded to myself, trying to come up with a few more places he could be.

"Mary, drive down to the diner, see if Alex or Grace saw him at all tonight," I told her.

"Alex ain't working the overnight anymore," Mary said as she set Pepsi on the couch beside Michelle. "But I'll go down anyway. I'll drive past the drive ins too, see if anyone's seen him."

"Thanks Mar," I said as I tossed her my keys.

"I'll go with her," Pony said quickly. I nodded before sitting down in the old arm chair across the room. I took a deep breath, trying to coax Greaser over to me, but he wasn't having it. He paced back and forth, growling softly.

"Someone should see if Greaser can't track him down," Two-Bit suggested.

"That's stupid," Darry grunted.

"Actually, Greaser's been known to track before. I can't take him out since I can barely walk, but Darry, why don't you and Two-Bit take him out? Just don't let him get hit by a car or nothing," I backed up Two-Bit's plan.

"Then me and Jo can stay here in case he shows up," Steve jumped in. It seemed like a good enough plan.

"Fine," Darry agreed. "But if that dog breaks the rope, it ain't my fault."

"Don't worry, s'long as you hold it tight, it won't tear," I said, pulling the leash out from under the chair. Greaser came over when he saw it, sat down real nice and waited for me to tie it around his collar.

"Be careful," I warned them. The two nodded and were out the door faster than smoke on a cold winter's day.

"You think they'll find him?" Steve asked, getting up to grab something from the kitchen.

"I sure hope so," I sighed. I pushed myself up and stood by the window, balancing on the crutches, trying my best to stay calm. "Why you think he ran off like that?"

"Maybe it's just too much for him," Steve sighed. "Soda's stubborn sometimes."

"Not as stubborn as you once were," I said, turning so I could look at him. "You used to hate the world, Steve. Now, you're kind and sweet. It's hard to really imagine, if I wasn't seeing it for myself."

"Gee, thanks Jo," Steve chuckled.

When the phone rang, I hobbled over to answer it.

"It's Tim," his voice rang. "I've got 'im. I've got Sodapop."

"Thank God," I whispered. "Bring him home, Tim."

"On my way. Listen, Jo, he's…well he's not right," he said. I didn't know what to say so I just hung up. I knew Tim would bring him home.

"He's on his way," I told Steve, who had overheard the conversation. "Tim found him."

"Did he say where?" Steve asked.

"No, didn't think to ask."

We sat down in the living room, the two little girls starting to stir.

"Off to bed you two," I told them. Michelle didn't complain for once. She took Pepsi's hand and led the way down the hall to the bedrooms. I was grateful. The last thing I needed was a fight.

A few minutes later, Mary and Pony came in, their faces grim. I told them that Soda was on his way home and they relaxed, sitting down on the floor facing the door.

When Two-Bit and Darry got back with Greaser, I didn't give them a chance to ask. I told them what I'd learned and they too, seemed to relax a little. Though Darry still looked worried. I couldn't blame him. I was worried too. This was unlike Soda. Had it been Steve, I could have believed it. But Soda? Naw, this was nothing like him at all.

Tim came in the door first, a tired look on his face. He didn't say anything, just walked right up to me, gave me a look, and I knew to follow. It was weird. I really didn't like Tim much – Tim Shepard was nothing but trouble, but we had the same silent understanding me and Dally had all those years ago. One look and we knew what was going on. I followed him into the kitchen, making sure we were not being overheard before waiting for him to speak.

"He's messed up pretty good, Jo," Tim sighed, leaning on the counter. "I found him out back of Buck's, curled up with a needle sticking out of his arm."

"You aren't saying what I think you're saying, are you?" I asked, my heart sinking.

"Now, I ain't never had to play rescue with a druggie before, but I know one when I see one. Jo, you gotta watch out for him. He's heading down a dangerous path," Tim said seriously. "Once you get hooked on the stuff, man, it's impossible to get those demons outta your head."

"Heroin?" I asked, not wanting to believe it. Tim nodded.

"Want me to bring him in?" he asked. He was tired. I knew he just wanted to get back to bed.

"Yeah. Thanks for bringing him home Tim," I said softly.

"No problem. But listen, that shit's gonna mess him up. Dunno how long he's been hooked but you gotta watch him. 'Specially around that kid of yours. There's no knowing what he's capable of anymore. He put up a good fight before finally getting in the car," he sighed. "Where do ya want me to dump his sorry ass?"

"The sofa," I said as we walked into the living room. I tapped Steve's leg, shaking him awake. He must be mighty tired. He blinked, then realized I needed him to get up.

"Just bring 'im in, I'll deal with the rest," I called. Tim nodded and propped the door before going back to the car to retrieve Soda.

"What'd he say?" Darry asked.

"I'll tell you later. Mar, go get the girls and bring them back to Darry's. They're gonna spend a few nights there," I said softly.

"Why?" Pony asked.

"I'll tell you in a few minutes," I said, keeping my tone calm. Mary nodded and went to retrieve the girls. They weren't happy about being woken up again, but thankfully, they got their pillows and blankets and made the short walk to Darry's house without much complaint. I send Greaser with them, since it'd be easier not to have him around.

Tim came back a moment later, pushing Soda in front of him. Soda was grumbling under his breath but collapsed happily onto the couch, staring up at the ceiling, a stupid look on his face.

"Night Jo," Tim said, slamming the door behind him.

"So, Sodapop Patrick Curtis, looks like we need to talk," I said, standing over him.

"What about?" he asked, flashing me that goofy grin of his.

"Show me your arm," I said, my tone harsh. He rolled up his sleeve, and sure enough, there were track lines. I wanted to smack him. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream until I had no voice. Instead, I sat down. I sat down on the edge of the couch, tears in my eyes.

"Why Soda? Why drugs?" I asked softly, trying to coax him into talking to me.

"I don't do drugs," he said stupidly. That was the final straw. I couldn't handle him. Not tonight.

"You can stay here," I said to no one in particular. "I, on the other hand, am going to sleep in my truck. Alone." I grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and walked outside. Greaser was tied to the tree, so I figured Mary must have wanted me to get him. I untied him and walked him over to my truck, opened the door, let him in and slammed the door behind me. I pulled the blanket up to my chin, struggling to get comfortable because of the cast that covered my leg from thigh to ankle.

I didn't say a word. Not a single word. Instead, I closed my eyes and forced myself to go to sleep. But it wasn't easy. All I was thinking was how my best friend, my boyfriend, the man I fucking loved for God's sake, was shooting heroin into his veins. I couldn't understand that. I'd seen what drugs did to a person. Especially heroin. Tyler was hooked on the junk right before he died. I'd seen him go from happy, healthy boy, to troubled, broken man in all a matter of weeks. It broke my heart then, and this time around, I knew it would kill me. I couldn't watch someone go through that again. I thought seeing him in the hospital was hard, but this…this was even harder.


	10. Chapter 9 - Clear Picture

When you sleep in the cab of a pickup with a big dog next to you, you're bettin' to wake up stiff and sore. What I hadn't expected, was waking up to Greaser growling, his claws digging into my side. I grumbled and shoved him off me, so I could push the door open. When I did, I had not been expecting to find Sodapop sprawled out on the front yard, butt naked.

Greaser ran at him, growling and snapping, his fur on end.

"Greaser! Stay!" I hollered. He skidded to a stop, still growling. Thank god for obedient dogs. I got out of the truck as quickly as I could with only one good leg, leaning heavily against it until I could get the crutches under my armpits. I moved as quickly as I could, stopping right next to Greaser.

"What the hell is going on?" Darry's voice called from the front door.

"You tell me!" I snapped. I grabbed hold of Greaser's collar, nearly knocking myself over in the process. "Come get the dog!" Darry was out the door and beside me in a few easy bonds. He grabbed Greaser's collar, staring down at his brother just like I was. I took another few steps, poking him with my crutch.

"Sodapop, get your naked ass up," I snapped. He rolled over, showing himself off to the whole damn world.

"No," he said stubbornly.

"Sodapop Patrick Curtis, don't you dare make me ask again, get up!" I snapped angrily.

"Go away you nagging bitch," he snapped. I blinked. I'd been called some awful things in my time, but never a bitch. It was a forbidden term when directed at a woman.

"Come again?" Darry said, his eyes ablaze.

"I said, go away you nagging bitch!" Soda snapped, sitting up angrily. "Need I repeat myself?"

I said nothing. I turned around and limped towards the front door. Darry must have decided it was better Greaser was with me, because he beat me to the door. He held it open for me too. At least my dog had manners.

Steve jumped up from to the couch and was over to help me a second later, gently leading me towards the kitchen, where he poured me a cup of coffee.

"What'd he say to you?" he asked gently.

"He called me a bitch," I sighed, shaking my head. "You know, I'd a rather he called me anything but that."

"He's just coming down from the high," Steve tried to defend his best friend but his tone was as angry as Darry's had been. I shook my head, sitting down in one of the hard, wooden chairs.

"What happened over there, Steve?" I asked carefully, trying to maybe get an understanding for what Soda was going through. "Was he…when he was…captured…what happened to him?" It hurt to even say the words.

"He was beaten. Starved, beaten and scared. When they brought him back…Man, if you could have seen him, you would have thought he was dead," Steve whispered. He sat down next to me, putting his head in his hands as he relived the day Soda came back to base.

"I had just been found, after spending the last…how long was it? 3 years? 4? I had just been found after spending the last however long it had been in a prisoners of war camp. I had spent the first few weeks in shock, almost trying to convince myself it was a bad dream. The Vietnamese Soldiers showed me off to a village and allowed them to beat me with sticks and rocks as they walked by…" Steve said softly, tears in his eyes. "I can only imagine the same happened to Sodapop in the beginning too…"

I couldn't say anything. I couldn't even believe that Steve was willingly explaining it to me. I took his hand, squeezing it gently between mine. He looked up and continued.

"The torture began shortly after that. They brought me before several interrogators and about a dozen soldiers. I tried to stick to the answers they told us to use in basic, but it…they…they were relentless. They…they did horrible things, just to try and get me to talk. They would tie thin ropes around every part of my body…they'd pull and poke and probe until I was bleeding and fighting back the screams of agony… So I lied. I made up lie after lie hoping they'd let me go…" he looked like he was about to be sick. I pulled my chair closer, putting my arm around him. He leaned into my arms, tears freely falling from his eyes.

"They practically starved us to death. Some of them even went on to taunt us about our friends and family…The conditions were horrible. All I could think about was how Soda was out there, going through the same exact thing…or worse, he was dead. Anyway, when they brought Soda back to base, it was only a few weeks after I'd been found. I was fighting to recover from the whole thing, and they had me doing busy work or whatever to get back into normal routine, because they didn't have the means to send any of us home yet. When they found Soda…shoot, he was a shell of the man he used to be."

I felt like crying. This was not what I'd been expecting. I hugged Steve close, hoping he knew how much it meant to be that he willing opened up about the whole situation.

"How long…how long were you guys found before they sent you home?" I dared to ask.

"Four months I think. We were under attack…we didn't have time to write or nothing," he sighed, laying his head on my shoulder. "Jo, it was horrible over there…"

"I know," I said softly, rubbing his back. "I know."

Greaser whined, pushing his nose against my leg. I looked up and saw Darry dragging a still butt naked Sodapop into the house. I didn't say anything, just walked over to them, took one look at Soda, really looking at him for the first time since he returned home. His body was riddled with scars. It tore my heart out to see him like that. To see him in that much pain, whether physical or mental. I hobbled right up in front of him, before putting my arms around him, hugging him as tight as I could with crutches under my arms.

"I love you, Sodapop Curtis, don't you ever forget that," I hissed, kissing his cheek before pulling back.

Soda looked confused. Like he didn't even remember me. Boy, lemme tell you, that hurt. I looked at him for a long time, then a thought dawned on me.

"Darry, call Mary and tell her to bring Michelle over," I said softly. He nodded and walked over to the phone. "Soda, why don't you get dressed?" I suggested gently, talking to him in a calm, soothing tone.

"Yeah, okay," he nodded. He wandered into our bedroom. I knew I had laid out some of his things the morning before, so I hoped he'd be able to get dressed before Michelle came. Michelle came in the back door a few minutes later, a look of confusion on her face.

"What's wrong, sis?" she asked, sitting on the couch. Tuffy curled up in her lap instantly – happy to have her buddy back.

"Nothing's wrong, exactly," I said carefully. "Remember the stuff I was showing you?"

"Yeah, the pictures and old knickknacks. What about them?" she asked.

"We're going to try and see if we can't get Soda to see how much he means to us all," I said, looking at Darry. "All of us."

"That's a good idea," Darry said slowly, lowering himself into the recliner. I told Michelle to go get the box, along with the photo albums that were stacked on the bookshelf next to the TV. She did so quickly, taking her seat on the end of the couch as Soda walked down the hall.

"Come here, Soda," I called softly. It was hard to keep my tone calm and patient, but I did for his sake.

"What is this? Some kinda intervention?" he grumbled.

"No, honey, this is just us trying to remind you how much you mean to us," I said gently, pushing the albums onto the table. "Sit down?"

He sighed and sat beside me, giving me an irritated look. I pulled the first photo album from the stack. It was one from when we were all still pretty little. Our mothers had spent hours putting the albums together. Each family had one, both of them identical.

"Look," I said gently, pointing at the first group picture after Michelle was born. "You were so proud to be the one to get Mickey to stay still for the picture," I said softly. He took the album from me, his eyes clouding over as he flipped through the pages.

"It doesn't matter," he grunted after he was done looking through the album. "That's all in the past. It's over. It's done with."

"No, Soda, it's just the beginning," I promised. I pulled the most recent album off the stack. It held pictures from the day the twins were born, up until that past spring. "Look," I said, pointing at a photo of Darry holding the twins a day after we were released from the hospital. "Pepsi has your smile. Your eyes too," I said, passing the album to him. "And Cola…that little boy had your fight."

"But he's dead. Just like…just like…" Soda couldn't say it. Suddenly, he was to his feet and out the front door. I sighed, it made sense now. It all made sense.

"When he went…missing, he was with his company, right?" I asked Steve. He nodded grimly. "Now it makes sense," I sighed. "It's all clear now. How he reacted when he found out about Cola, why he suddenly blamed me for his death. It all makes perfect sense."

"What do you mean?" Darry asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Soda probably watched a lot of his fellow soldiers die over there, Darry. And we all know Soda. Soda was great at making friends. Think about it. He probably lost a lot of friends over there. I wouldn't doubt it if he thought he lost Steve too."

As my words sank in, Michelle got to her feet, grabbed the old, tattered jacket off the floor and ran out the door, Greaser following close behind. Normally, I would never allow my 8 year old sister to run off like that, but this time…well this time maybe she could be the one to get through to Soda. She loved him as much, if not more than I did. He was the older brother she longed for when she was little, even though she had two…well one of her own. Even though she had the whole gang, Soda was the one she attached herself too. And I surely couldn't blame her. In a sense, in one way or another, we all attached ourselves to the happy go lucky, movie star handsome boy. Now, we just had to bring that boy back.


	11. Chapter 10 - Between The Lines

Pony and Mary ended up following Soda and Michelle when they saw them leave so quickly. Mary later said she did it so that she knew exactly where her kid sister was, but I think she was afraid just like Darry was. As soon as Michelle ran after Soda, Darry was asking me if I did the right thing, letting her chase after him. Two-Bit brought Pepsi over as soon as the pair followed them down the street, figuring I'd like to know where at least one of my kids was. I smiled my thanks, taking my little girl in my arms. She leaned into my chest, her hair a rat nest of a mess. I idly played with her curls for a few minutes, debating on what to do next. Then a thought dawned on me.

"Two-Bit, c'mere," I said, my mind made up. I needed a distraction anyways.

"Sup?" he asked, sitting down next to me. I pulled my brush out from under the couch, quickly shifting Pepsi so Two-Bit could see what I was doing.

"I'm gonna teach you how to braid hair, so she doesn't constantly get snarls," I said with a smile. Two-Bit looked ready to object, but it sank in that I was doing it as a distraction, not because I really thought he'd learn just by watching me for one time. I quickly brushed out her knots, careful not to pull too hard. Pepsi was extremely tender headed and would scream and wail if you pulled too hard. Thankfully, that day, she was calm. She let me untangle her hair, before parting it down the middle. I pulled two ribbons out of the little drawer next to the couch and sat them beside me, so after the braids were done, I could secure them before they fell loose. I split the left side into three even parts, twisting and twirling them into a simple, yet adorable braid. I tied the little black ribbon around the end, pleased that it stayed in place. I repeated the process again on the right side, tying it just so. After both braids were done, I sighed and told Pepsi it was time for a nap.

She didn't argue with me this time. I allowed her to pick up Tuffy and carry the scrappy kitten into her room with her, only after making her promise to leave the door open. I smile to myself as she padded down the hall, listening to me for once, with no complaint.

"Your daughter's getting smart," Two-Bit teased.

"Naw, I think she's just still confused," I sighed. "I feel like I painted this amazing picture for her, and now she doesn't understand why it isn't so."

I grew restless after that. I wasn't used to Michelle not being with me or Mary. It made me feel like something bad was gonna happen. I walked outside; rather, I limped outside, and lit up a cigarette, carefully lowering myself onto the steps. No one followed. I think they realized I needed some time to really think. Shoot, we all needed time to think. As I sat there, I found myself thinking about a conversation I had had with Dally all those years ago. A conversation that only ended with us getting thrown in the cooler for the rest of the night.

_It was late on a Friday night, a few months after my mother died. Dally and I were at Buck's, hustling at pool, getting drunk out of our minds. We had come up pretty well too, for such a late night. I was good at pool, even better at being a distraction. I didn't mind it much either. I helped Dally win the game, he split the profits, we'd get drunk, we'd fuck, we'd drink some more and fuck again. It was the perfect balance. _

_We were in the middle of the game when this little tramp strutted in, wearing nothing but a tiny skirt and a bra. She walked right up over to Dally, shaking her ass as she strutted over. It pissed me off. Even though me and Dally had nothing really going on between us, I didn't like the girl from the start. She was skinny as a rod, dark circles under her eyes, sunken cheekbones. Her arms were riddled with track lines. I'd have felt sorry for her, if she hadn't started throwing herself all over Dally. _

"_Back off, bitch," I said, coming up, slinking my arm around Dally's waist. "He's off limits." Dally didn't argue. Even he didn't mess with trash like that. He was smarter than that. _

"_Says who? You? You're nothing but a good for nothing hood who sucks dick for a living," she snarled._

"_Darlin', you're barkin' up the wrong tree," I said, throwing back the rest of my drink._

"_Take it outside, ladies," the bartender, Ross, said, giving me a dirty look. I did just that. I walked right outside, waiting for the blonde tramp to show up. She stumbled out of the bar a moment later, a blade in her hand. Instinctively, I slipped my hand around Dally's waist again, only this time, I was retrieving the switchblade from his back pocket. He stood still, knowing exactly what I was doing._

"_Bring it, bitch," the tramp snarled. I shook my head, waiting to see if she'd make the first move. All I needed was a little push. That would be enough to spark an all-out fight. And sure enough, she did just that. She charged at me, throwing herself at me, the knife narrowly missing my shoulder. I shoved her off, surprised with off easy it was to push her around. _

"_Jo, she ain't even worth it," Dally said after a few minutes of watching her try to pull my hair or scratch my face. All I had to do was keep my knees pressed into her chest to keep her pinned. It was the easiest fight of my life. "C'mon, she's nothing but a no good heroin tramp."_

_I sighed and stood up, backing away carefully, not stupid enough to turn my back on a fight. Dally led me down the alley, laughing to himself when I handed him back the knife._

"_You weren't gonna use it," he teased._

"_No, but heck, I wasn't gonna let her use hers!" I laughed. _

_We walked for a few minutes, idly talking about how it was sad to see the addicts those days. The fuzz caught up with us around 5__th__ street. _

"_You're under arrest for possession of a weapon and assault," the officer said. We went quietly, knowing that once we were booked, they'd let us go in the morning. Of course, Dally had to run his mouth, which would have made matters worse, except Dally came and bailed us out that morning, pretty pissed that we got hauled in over something so stupid. The charges were dropped when the police failed to locate the tramp. A month later, we learned that she overdosed in that very alley where she and I fought. _

I looked up, tears in my eyes as I thought of all the good times me and Dally had. We were never going to go anywhere with our relationship, but we sure as hell had fun. Shoot, Dally was the reason I got tough to begin with. He gave me the liquid courage to do crazy shit just for kicks. But even when I was screwing Dally, I was thinking about Sodapop. Me and Soda, that was meant to be. We were meant to be.

I wasn't going to lose hope. Not this time. Not when he needed me to be there for him.

When I caught sight of Michelle walking down the street, Ponyboy and Mary beside her, my heart sank. Michelle saw me and started running towards the gate, Greaser following at her heels. She looked both ways before crossing the street, then ran up to the gate, unlatched it and ran over to me, a sad look in her eyes.

"Hey Mickey Mouse," I said as pleasantly as I could.

"Soda's down looking for stuff," she sighed. "Mary told me to come home."

"Mary's right. You don't need to be down there with Soda right now," I said softly. "Why don't you go inside and see how much change I've got in the jar? Maybe we can go to Dairy Queen tonight."

"But I wanna spend the night with Soda!" she whined.

"Not tonight, Mickey. Now go on," I said as gently as I could. She huffed, but went into the house anyway.

"I can't believe he's doing shit like this," Pony sighed, sitting down beside me. I handed him a cigarette and shook my head.

"I can," I sighed. "Of course, I always thought it would be Steve, not Sodapop."

"Steve's too stubborn to rely on drugs," Mary said with a shrug. "He'd drive himself to an early grave but not because of drugs."

"I disagree. Steve's matured a lot since we saw him four years ago," I pointed out. "Steve doesn't seem to hate the world as much."

"Maybe he realized there's more to life," Pony said thoughtfully.

"What I don't understand, is why Soda of all people, choose heroin. I could understand pot or even coke, but c'mon, heroin? Why something so deadly?" Mary sighed. "I mean, I know this girl at school, she's a real cool cat, but she's hooked on the shit, and it just messes with her head. I don't even understand it," she shook her head. "It's sad really."

"I don't think he's looking for pity," I defended Soda. "I think he's looking for an easy out. A way to chase away the memories," I pointed out. "We don't know what he saw or did or went through while over there. We can't even begin to understand it."

"Steve went through it too, and he's being loyal to the family. Shoot, he's being loyal and helpful and supportive," Mary hissed. "It's frustrating!"

"We're all a little edgy because of it, but c'mon, it's Soda. If I know Soda, and I'd like to think I do, he'll get through this," I said carefully.

"Don't kid yourself," Mary said harshly. "It's heroin addiction. Don't even try and tell me you don't remember how Ty ended up."

"Ty was messed up because mama died," I said, irritated by her tone.

"We all were. Shoot, I started cutting after she died!" Mary snapped. I had known about it all along, but it didn't make it easier to hear her admit it out loud. "I didn't turn to drugs or fighting for no reason!"

"We all cope differently," Pony said softly, taking Mary's hand. "Trust me, I'm as pissed as you are, but he's my brother. I've got to believe in him."

"Mary, he's got a daughter to think about. He'll come around. We just have to trust that he will," I said gently. I didn't like her attitude.

"Stop kidding yourself, Jo-Anna Beth, what do you think? He's going to snap outta it and return to the happy go lucky kid he was when he left? It's been 4 years. Our Soda is gone, get used to it," she spat before stomping into the house.

I sighed and put my head in my hands, my head aching from all the stress. Pony didn't say anything, deep in thought. I wasn't sure what was going through his mind. I'm sure what Mary said had struck a chord. Pony and Soda had been very close. Closer than he ever was with Darry. I couldn't imagine how he must be taking all this in.

I nudged him softly and when he looked up, I saw tears in his eyes.

"Hey, this is Soda we're talking about. He's going to come 'round, you'll see," I said gently. I wasn't too sure if I believed it or not, but I wanted to. I really did. So I convinced myself, that time was all Soda needed. He just needed time to come back to us.

I decided to take everyone out for Dairy Queen, even though it wasn't really in the budget. We all needed something to take our minds off Soda and the heroin and everything else. Even if we didn't talk about it, it was clear we were all thinking about it. Even Pepsi, who loved going out for dinner and was too young to understand what was going on, was quiet.

"Hey mama?" Pepsi asked on the way back to the house. I was in the truck with her and Darry. We had to stop at Darry's worksite to get his belt, which he had left at work that afternoon.

"Yeah Pep?" I said gently, snuggling her close.

"When daddy comes home, why don't you sing him that song?" she said softly, nestling close to me. "The one you sang before?"

"You mean 'God only knows'?" I asked. She nodded her head quickly. "I like that song," she said softly. I thought about it for a moment. I only sang along with that song a handful of times, and every time I did, it made me miss Soda more and more. I couldn't help but wonder if what was what he needed to hear. Maybe, just maybe, that could answer the questions I'm terrified to ask. I leaned back and thought about it while Darry drove in silence, either purposely ignoring our conversation, or just too wrapped up in his own thoughts. That was why I liked driving with Darry. Sometimes, a little quiet is exactly what you need.


	12. Chapter 11 - Broken Man

"_What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?  
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?  
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?  
Are you proud?_

_How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?  
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?  
How do you walk with your head held high?  
Can you even look me in the eye  
And tell me why?" – P!NK "Dear Mr. President"_

* * *

I was going through the pile of bills that had come in since the accident. Along with a pile of medical bills, electric, gas and water bills, the mortgage, Mary's tuition, and junk mail, there was a letter from the stables in regards to Thunderbird.

"Jo-Anna Beth,  
I am so sorry for what happened while you were riding Thunderbird the other night. Red and Tony explained everything. They managed to locate Thunderbird down by the river, laying on his side. It was a rabid fox or something that got a hold of him.

Now Jo, I know you are a great rider, you managed to break in a lot of our colts these last few years, even with everything going on. You got Ol' Bess through her last fouling last spring, and you practically hand reared that little filly of hers before we sold her off. I know this wasn't your fault, and well, Thunderbird was heading for slaughter anyway. He was too ornery and just a general danger to have around.

Enclosed is a check for $200. I hope it makes life a little easier. Darry called and updated me after you got outta surgery. I hope everything works out for you and your family and I hope to see you back in the saddle soon. Shoot, there's a few shows going on in a few months if you'd like to take your spin for barrels or races or something when you're all healed up. Bring that little girl of yours down too. I'll have Macy do lessons with her for free – my treat.

Thanks for all the support these last couple years. It's been a pleasure  
- Rob Phillips and Mary Jane."

"Well that was a welcomed surprise," I sighed, shaking my head. I pulled the check out of the envelope, making a mental note to get it cashed first thing in the morning. I tucked it away with the other check, this one from Mary's work, to be cashed. I set the bills aside and tried to come up with a way to get everything paid. Everything was up to date, but since I wasn't able to work until I was off the crutches, I was looking at at least six weeks of no pay other that Mary's check, which wasn't much.

"What're we gonna do boy?" I asked Greaser, who was lying under my feet, his head rested on his paws. He looked up at me and whined softly. Tuffy was sitting on the table, swatting at the scraps of paper from the envelopes.

I sighed and looked over at the counter. The dishes had piled up and I knew it would take some time to get them all washed and put away. There were several loads of laundry that needed to be washed, then hung out to dry. The floors needed to be mopped and vacuumed, the windows needed to be washed. Shoot, the house needed to be cleaned in general. It surprised me that there was this much of a mess, when for the last two weeks, barely anyone had been home.

I stood up, moving my crutches under my arms and pushed open the back door. I sat down on the steps, letting the warm afternoon air sooth my worries. Greaser followed me outside. I noticed that he was limping slightly and upon closer observation, I noticed that he had a strange look to his back leg. He was favoring it a little more than normal, and when he did put weight on it, he'd whine softly. I sighed, shaking my head. The last thing I needed was another problem. He laid down, resting his head on my lap, his sad eyes looking off into the distance.

I ran my hand down his back, taken by surprise when he suddenly jumped to his feet, yelping loudly. I watched him as he staggered a little, before lying back down in the exact same spot.

"Mar," I called through the still open door. She came outside quickly, her face showing concern.

"What?"

"Greaser hasn't been out on his own lately, has he?" I asked, watching the dog's side heave.

"He got out of the yard a few nights after your accident. Tim brought him back and said he found him on the side of the road. I didn't think anything of it. Something wrong?" she asked, kneeling next to Greaser.

"He's in pain, that's all," I said, rubbing his head. He whined, his breathing labored. "Reckon he's been whacked by a car."

"You think it's bad?" she asked, her eyes widening.

"I dunno. It's the first time I've seen him in pain though," I said truthfully. "I guess we'll just wait and see."

"That dog is Pepsi's best friend," Mary noted sadly. "If something happens to him…"

"I don't even want to think about it," I sighed. "What ever happened to those puppies you saw hanging around the campus?"

"The mama dog got hit by a bus, but I think the puppies are still hanging around the park. Why? Thinking of getting a puppy?" she asked.

"I haven't decided yet. But with Soda's new…hobby, it wouldn't hurt to train a puppy to defend the property," I said thoughtfully. "This way, if any of his new 'friends' come over, I won't need to worry."

"You're gonna turn a poor puppy into a greaser, huh?" she chuckled. "I see your point though. Even if Greaser turns out to be fine, he's getting up there in age. He's gotta be what, almost 9 or 10 right? I mean, when I found him, he wasn't a puppy, had to have been about three at the time."

"Really? I thought he was younger than that," I said, surprised. Obviously, I was used to dogs that hadn't spent most of their life on the street, even Lassie, who had come from an abusive owner, was in decent shape when we took her in.

"No, he was at least 3 when mama died, must have been damn near 6 by the time we finally took him in," she said, shaking her head.

"I didn't even know," I said looking down at my four legged friend. "I wonder if he's trying to tell us something."

"I wouldn't doubt it. Remember what mama used to say? Dogs might be man's best friend," she started.

"They can keep a secret better than any human, but their eyes can tell the truth," I finished, nodding. "I sure do," I said softly, rubbing my hand over his head.

"You know, maybe a puppy would be good for the house. You lookin' for another boy or thinking of a girl?" Mary asked.

"Boy, definitely," I said quickly. "I already have a daughter, I don't need to be raising puppies on top of it."

"Good, there's at least 6 boys to choose from," Mary nodded. "Why don't we go down right now and have a look? I think I know where they're holed up," she suggested.

"Sure, since Pepsi's already in bed, and Michelle can tuck herself in," I nodded. "Go see if Darry can babysit."

"Alright," she stood and went back in the house. Greaser didn't move. I got to my feet and followed Mary inside.

"C'mon boy," I called, but Greaser refused to move. I sighed and left the door open, hoping the kitten wouldn't see it as a good chance to explore the neighborhood.

Mary was explaining to Darry where we were going as I grabbed a light sweater out of the linen closet.

"We won't be out long," I said, throwing him an apologetic look. "Promise."

"It's fine," Darry said sincerely. I think he knew we just needed to get away from the house for a few minutes. We'd all been doing it those last few days – we'd come up with any excuse under the moon just to get a few minutes away from the house.

Mary grabbed my keys, an old rope, and Greaser's old collar before heading outside. I followed her, but only after I shut the kitten into the bathroom so she couldn't run outside. I hobbled down the front steps, careful not to lean too heavily on the railing. I had to get that fixed one of these days.

We loaded into the truck and pulled out, taking the back streets. I think we kind of hoped to find Soda in the process, but we didn't have any such luck. We drove down to the park near the college and got out, Mary leading the way to an old, rundown toolshed, where the sounds of young puppies barking and crying could be heard.

"Be careful, I haven't seen the other dog in a while, but he's a nasty old thing," Mary warned. I shrugged and limped forward, pushing the piece of board out of the way. There in a heap laid about a dozen or so puppies, all different colors. One in particular stood out, a jet black, long haired pup with ice blue eyes. He wiggled towards me, his short legs and huge paws making him trip. By the size of his paws, I knew he'd grow into a pretty big dog.

"That little one," I said, pointing him out. Mary beamed.

"I love that one, he's a real spitfire, for sure," she said, scooping to pick him up. He wiggled and whined in her arms as she carried him back towards the truck. I felt bad leaving the other puppies behind, but our house only had room for one more.

Mary drove slowly, scanning the streets for Soda, while I kept the puppy wrapped in my arms. He wiggled and whined a little, but eventually curled up, content in my lap. We spent a good hour or two, driving through town, checking every alleyway and every bar we could think of. We wasted a lot of gas, but I didn't let it bother me, instead, I took comfort in knowing that at least we didn't find him in the middle of Soc territory.

We drove down towards Buck's. A neighborhood I didn't frequent much now that I was older with a child to think about. Mary drove carefully, her eyes scanning the sidewalk.

"Pull over," I said when something caught my eye. She pulled over and after I managed to get the puppy off my lap and onto the floor of the truck, I got out, walking towards the movement. I never was one to enter an alley without some sort of protection, so as soon as I realized it was dark at the end of it, I pulled out my blade, holding it at my side, even though I was still on crutches.

"No. No, don't hurt him, he doesn't know anything," a familiar voice cried. I moved a little quicker, aware now that Mary was at my side.

"Don't shoot him, please," as soon as I neared the garbage can, I saw who it was.

"Mary, find a phone and tell Darry or Steve or whoever to come down here," I hissed. She nodded and ran off, her feet barely making any sound.

"Please, don't hurt him," Soda's voice cried out. He was lying in a crumbled heap behind the garbage cans, his eyes wide, his entire body trembling. He was waving a broken bottle in front of him, using it as a weapon. "Don't, no!"

"Soda, shhh, you're home, you're safe," I said lightly, not moving from my spot a few feet away.

"They killed him…they fucking killed him," he cried. He dropped the bottle, burying his face in his arms. "They killed him…" he kept repeating those same three words.


	13. Chapter 12 - Knocking on Heaven's Door

I've never been afraid of someone so much before in my entire life. The wild, fierce look in his eyes made my heart race, my palms sweat. I couldn't chase away the feeling of dread. Soda glared at me, but not really at me, as he was lost in a different time – a different country. He just stared, almost as if he was trying to decide just how he was going to kill me. And rather than try to defend myself or run or get to safety, I stood there, staring the man I loved in the eye, silently begging for someone to help this man through this.

When Mary returned a few minutes later, she froze at the look on Soda's face. She came to my side and hissed "Steve's on his way" but didn't dare to make any further movements. Soda was trying to stand, but he was far past that. He growled and spat like a rabid dog. It was the most terrifying thing I had ever encountered in my entire life.

The sky broke and rain began to pour. Even on the warm September night, the rain chilled me to the bone. But with the rain, came clarity. At least for Soda. As the rain pounded down on him, his expression softened. Tears welled in his eyes as he chanted, over and over "I just wanna go home."

At those words, I took a chance. I slowly approached him, trying my best not to make any sudden movement. I slid to the ground beside him and wrapped my arms around him, whispering softly, "You're home, Sodapop, you're safe, I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you ever again."

He looked at me, momentarily confused, his muscles tightening under my embrace, but they soon relaxed as tears began to fall from his eyes. I pulled him even closer, hugging him with all my strength.

"Shh, it's gonna be okay," I said, rubbing circles in his back.

"I'm sorry Jo," he whispered, sobs breaking.

"Don't be, you ain't got nothing to be sorry about," I promised him. I looked over at Mary, who was shifting her attention between me and the road behind her. It took Steve all of ten minutes to find us, but when he did, his expression was strained. I could tell he couldn't exactly understand what was going on. Then again, I had no idea what Mary had told him over the phone.

"Is he okay?" Steve mouthed. I shook my head slightly.

"Sodapop, you wanna go home and get some sleep?" I suggested softly. He looked at me with teary brown eyes, tears still streaming down his cheeks. I noticed that he had a scratch on his cheek, and out of impulse, I gently touched it. He didn't flinch, instead, he leaned into my hand, his features relaxing even more. He nodded slowly.

"I'm gonna have Steve help you up, okay baby? I can't get us both up on this bum leg," I said softly. I noticed the deep bruise forming above his eye, and made a mental note to find out what happened. He looked like he'd been jumped, but I couldn't be sure.

"I don't feel good," he muttered innocently. He sounded so young, so broken.

"It's okay, honey, we'll be home before you know it," I said gently as I motioned for Steve to come closer. I carefully shifted myself, so I was able to push myself up from the ground, using the garbage can as a crutch until Mary picked mine up and gave them to me. Steve carefully pulled Soda to his feet, using a fluid, gentle motion. Together, Steve and Mary managed to get Soda to the truck, debating on which car to put him in.

"The truck," I said as I caught up. "I'll get the puppy and ride with Steve."

"You sure?" Steve asked, glancing at Mary, who didn't look so sure.

"Yeah. The truck doesn't jerk and stall like your car does," I reminded him. He nodded, realizing I was right. They put Soda in the truck after the puppy was at my feet, his tail between his legs.

Steve picked the puppy up and sat him in the backseat of his old car before helping me lower myself into the seat. We drove in silence for a few minutes, before Steve finally broke the silence.

"How bad was he when you got to him? Mary sounded pretty scared on the phone," he said softly.

"He thought he was back in 'Nam," I sighed. I felt tears well in my eyes.

Steve nodded, gripping the steering wheel so tightly, his knuckles were white.

We made it home a second after Mary did and I was surprised to see her and Soda sitting on the steps, smoking and talking as if nothing had changed. Mary smiled sadly at me, carefully grabbing hold of the puppy as he ran towards Soda, barking happily.

"Jo, why don't you go get the puppy in the backyard? I wanna talk to Soda some more," she said gently. I nodded, accepting the suggestion without any questions. I limped up the stairs, nudging the pup along in the process.

"New puppy?" Darry asked, seeing the puppy the second it ran into the house.

"Yeah," I laughed softly. The puppy jumped up on his lap, licking his face happily.

"Does it have a name?" he asked between laughs.

"I'm thinking 'Blade' or 'Bullet', that little guy's a feisty little thing," I laughed. I scooped the puppy off his lap, managing to balance on only one crutch as I carried him out to the back door. I nudged him out, when I noticed Greaser still lying on the back porch, in the same position he was in when we left.

"Darry," I shouted. He was at my side a moment later. I saw a pained look cross his face as he stepped onto the porch and knelt beside him, running his hand over his head. Greaser didn't move at all. I moved onto the porch, my head sinking when I realized I couldn't see the steady rise and fall of his chest.

"He's…" Darry looked at me, not wanting to say the word.

"Dead," I whispered, shaking my head. "Guess Mar was right, maybe he was hit by a car after all."

"Do you want to bury him?" Darry asked.

"Yeah, but let's be quick. I don't want Soda to know," I sighed. "Or Michelle and Pepsi for that matter. They love that dog."

"What're you going to tell them?" he asked.

"That he passed away," I sighed. "But only when they notice he's not around. Maybe the new puppy will make them forget all together."

"I doubt that," he said gently.

"Yeah, me too."

It was hard to admit it, but in all reality, I was tired of explaining death to my young sister and my even younger daughter. It was hard, especially after Cola died, to explain to Michelle that it was part of life, and with Pepsi only now grasping that she had a brother who was never coming home, it seemed like she still didn't understand death.

It was really late, and since school started the next morning, it was already going to be hell trying to get everyone up. I found Soda sprawled across my bed, meaning I'd be on the floor. I sighed and went to check on Pepsi and Michelle, who were both curled up in Michelle's bed. I smiled at the sight, leaving their door partially opened.

"Everyone's crashing here tonight, right?" Mary asked, yawning.

"Except Two-Bit," Darry confirmed. I nodded and pushed Mary towards her room.

"Pony, you take the recliner, Darry, take the couch, Steve, take the spare bed," I said softly, trying to sort out the sleeping arrangements without any complaints. "I'll take the floor."

"You shouldn't be sleeping on the floor with your leg," Mary said gently. "Pony and I can double up."

"Normally, I'd argue with you, but I'm too damn tired," I gave in. "Remember the rule though. You two have school in the morning too."

"Actually, I don't," Pony and Mary said at the exact same time. "I work the 3 to 11 though," Mary added.

"And I work Noon to close," Pony chimed in. They laughed and headed towards Mary's room. I shook my head, smiling to myself.

"You take the couch," Darry suggested. "I'm perfectly okay on the recliner."

"If you say so," I agreed. The puppy padded into the living room, Tuffy at his heels. The two seemed to get along just fine. "C'mere Blade," I called, deciding on the name quickly. He looked at me for a moment, then padded over, his fluffy tail wagging. I smiled down at him before making my way to the couch. I laid down, my eyelids heavy with sleep.

"Steve, can you turn off the lamp on your way to bed?" I asked, already starting to doze off.

"Sure," I heard him say. I felt the weight of two animals jumping up onto the blanket that was wrapped around me. I smiled, letting their warmth ease the stress of yet another day. I vaguely recall Darry saying something about setting an alarm. I already had the alarm clock programmed for 6.

I slept restlessly that night, tossing and turning, waking up every few hours. It felt hopeless to even imagine getting a full night's sleep anymore. Not after everything.


	14. Chapter 13 - Pushing the Limits

The alarm clock went off all too soon. I groaned and rolled over, slamming my hand down on the button. I closed my eyes again, feeling way too tired to even move. But then I remembered that once I got everyone up, I could go back to sleep. I groaned and sat up, sending Tuffy flying. She mewed and sat on the floor, looking at me with bright eyes.

Blade was stretched out across Darry's lap, his head resting gingerly on his chest. I smiled and after getting my crutches off the floor, I stood up and nudged him softly.

"You gotta get up for work Dar," I said sleepily. He groaned and forced himself to sit upright. Blade jumped down from his lap instantly.

I went into Michelle's room first, since she always took longest to wake up. I was happy to see that she and Pepsi were still sound asleep beside one another.

"Time to get up," I said, nudging Michelle.

"Where's Greaser?" she said tiredly. She looked up at me with a tired expression.

"Oh," I said, having just remembered that I didn't tell them. "Mickey, I'm so sorry," I started. She sat upright, awake now. "Greaser passed away last night."

"Is that why you got the puppy?" she asked. She didn't look too sad.

"Yeah," I said carefully.

She nodded then stood up, shaking Pepsi awake. Pepsi groaned, not used to having to get up with her sisters for school.

"I'll get Pepsi ready for school. Who's going to drive us?" Michelle asked.

"I didn't even think of that," I sighed. "I'll figure it out while I make breakfast. How does eggs, bacon and French toast sound?"

"Mmm," Michelle said with a nod. "Braids or just tied back for her hair?"

"Braids. This way they don't come undone," I said quickly. "I'll put yours up when you're done."

"Thanks. Oh, Jo?" she asked as I was turning to leave.

"Hmm?"

"If we have time after school, can we go visit Mom?" she asked. I was taken aback by her calling our mother 'mom', it was a habit she must have picked up from the boys. We were raised calling our mother 'mama', which was how Pepsi grew up calling me it, but the boys had always called their mother 'mom'.

"Sure," I said. "But only if today goes well and I can find someone willing to drive."

"Alright. Did the doctor tell you when you can drive again?" she asked.

"Not yet. I have an appointment this afternoon at 1, but I doubt he'll clear me to drive until at the very least, I'm not wearing a full leg cast," I shrugged. "Another three or four weeks at least."

"You heal quick though. Remember when you broke your arm?" Michelle laughed, remembering back to a few months after the twins were born. I was almost completely healed in half the time the doctor said it would take.

"True, you never know," I chuckled. "Get dressed. I laid out Pepsi's new dress on her bed, along with her shoes and her backpack. I'll make you guys' lunches too."

"Alright, thanks sis," Michelle nodded. I was surprised with Michelle's attitude that morning. She was still so young, yet for once, she seemed so much older. It took a lot to remind myself that she was going into the third grade, despite how mature she was acting.

I started a pot of coffee, still half asleep as I set down a bowl of kibble for the puppy and some tuna for Tuffy, who ate eagerly. I opened the back door after the kitten was safely locked in the spare bedroom. I hoped Steve wouldn't mind the cat sitting there staring at him when he woke.

Mary came into the kitchen a little while later, rubbing her eyes tiredly. Her curly, strawberry blonde hair was pulled back, her dark eyes dancing with life.

"Morning," she yawned, taking the eggs and bacon out of the fridge. "Why don't you get some more sleep? I'll get the girls off to school."

"I need a lift to the DX first, I need to let Mike know I'll be in as soon as the doctor clear me," I shrugged.

"I'll stop by and tell him. You need sleep, you look ready to drop," she said gently. "Bed."

"Mar, I'm not a child," I reminded her. "Besides, it's Pepsi's first day of school. Don't you think her mother should take her?"

"Not when her mother has a boyfriend at home who will be needing her to be alert and focused today," Mary objected. "Besides, Pepsi's not one of those girls who needs coddling. She'll be fine," she promised.

"Okay, let Tuffy outta the spare room before you leave," I said with a yawn. "Mickey's getting Pep ready, but she's gonna need help with her hair."

"Sure, now shoo!" Mary laughed. Sometimes, I think that girl is a blessing in disguise. I smiled and made my way back to the couch. Right when I was about to sit down, there was a commotion down the hall, in the direction of the bedrooms. A moment later, Pepsi was running into the room, tears streaking down her face.

"What's wrong baby?" I asked, lowering myself to the couch so I could pull her into my lap.

"Daddy!" she wailed, burying her head in my chest. A moment later, Michelle was standing in front of me, a horrified look on her face.

"What in the blue hell happened?!" I asked, raising my voice over Pepsi's loud sobs. Michelle blinked a few times, as if she was trying to shake off the shock. All the commotion brought everything except Soda into the living room, a shared look of concern plastered on their faces.

"Pepsi went in your room looking for you, because she didn't know you weren't in there and she wanted to ask you to drive us to school, even though I told her you couldn't drive until your leg was better," Michelle said slowly. "But she went in anyway…and she didn't know it wasn't you on the bed, so when she climbed onto it and tried to wake _you_ up, she realized it wasn't you, but Soda instead, and Soda kind of…well he…"

"Spit it out Michelle," I said, my tone harsher than I intended.

"He smacked her pretty damn hard," she blurted. "She flew off the bed and hit the nightstand."

I pulled Pepsi back so I could check her over for injuries. Sure enough, she had a welt the size of a golf ball growing on her head. Her cheeks were flushed, but it didn't look like she'd been smacked.

"Her smacked her in the chest…" Michelle said, her voice barely rising above a whisper. I picked Pepsi up, standing, even though the movement made my leg burn, I walked down the hall, towards the bathroom, trying not to put too much weight on my broken leg. I sat Pepsi up on the sink, slowly moving her dress so I could check to make sure she was okay.

"Jesus Christ," I hissed, seeing the deep bruise already forming. "Darry!" I shouted into the hallway. He came running to me, a look of concern plastered on his face.

"Start the truck," I said quickly, pulling Pepsi into my arms.

"Is she okay?" he asked, his tone strained.

"I sure as hell hope so," I said, rubbing my hand up and down her back. She was crying something fierce.

"How bad?" Darry asked, trying to take her from me but I wouldn't release my grip, even though I was struggling to stay upright.

"It's already bruising, Darry," I said with a shake of my head. "I don't even know where to begin explaining this to a doctor…"

"Tell them the truth," Steve suggested, coming up next to me, reaching for Pepsi. Against my better judgment, I let him take her.

"And have them call Social Services? Steve, I can't risk losing her and Michelle," I sighed.

"You won't. They'll suggest Soda moves out," Steve said, his tone bitter. "And at this point, I think it's in the best interest of the girls if he does." It shocked me to hear Steve, Soda's best friend, say such a thing with such conviction.

"Alright, whatever, let's just get her to the hospital," I nodded. As we quickly walked down the hall, I saw Mary and Pony watching us with fear in their eyes.

"Is she okay?" Mary asked, rushing over to Steve.

"I hope so," I said quickly. "Get Michelle to school then meet us at the hospital," I said pushing past her.

"But…" Mary started.

"No but's. It's the first day of school, and Michelle can't skip it," I said, my tone set. "I love you Mickey, try to have a good day."

"Love you too Jo. I'm sorry I wasn't watching her better," she said, tears in her eyes.

"Don't worry honey, it's my fault, not yours," I said, giving her a quick hug before grabbing my keys off the table.

"It's not either of your faults," Steve growled. "It's Soda's." He ran out the front door, Pepsi cradled in his arms. Darry, Ponyboy and I followed quickly behind. I slid in next to Steve, taking Pepsi into my arms as Pony jumped in the bed of the truck, Darry sliding quickly into the driver's seat.

We barely made it out of the driveway when Pepsi started coughing, her face going sheet white. I held her close, patting her back softly. Then, much to our surprise, her started coughing up blood.

"Fast Darry!" I cried, rocking Pepsi gently, trying to sooth her pain. We made it to the hospital in under 5 minutes. I don't think Darry let up on the gas once. As soon as we were there, Steve took Pepsi out of my arms and ran towards the emergency room entrance while Darry helped me out of the truck, Pony at our side. My shirt was drenched with my daughter's blood.

We went into the ER as quickly as we possibly could. I went straight for the nurse's station.

"She's being examined now," the nurse said. She was one of the nurses Cola had a few years prior, and with the amount of ER visits in the last few years, she knew who I was. "What happened?"

I didn't answer, instead, I led the way down the hall, having a feeling I knew what room they were in. Sure enough, I rounded the corner and saw the doctor examining my daughter.

"Steve here filled me in on what happened. I'm going to send Pepsi for some x-rays and we'll go from there. It definitely sounds like there's blood in her lungs, but I need to know how many ribs are broken before we make any moves," he explained quickly. "Try not to worry too much."

He left so a nurse could rush Pepsi off for x-rays. I felt like the floor was going to give way beneath my feet. I couldn't wrap my head around how this could be happening. I wasn't aware of Steve pushing me towards the chair until I was already sitting.

It seemed like a lifetime before the doctor came back, a grim expression on his face. He looked at me for a moment, before explaining the situation.

"Your daughter has several broken ribs, on either side of her chest. Two of those have ribs penetrated her lungs, which was why she was coughing up so much blood. While taking the x-rays, she went into cardiac arrest from the strain the punctured lungs have taken on her body. She's in surgery now," he said, his tone emotionless. "We are doing everything in our power to save your daughter." With that, he turned and hurried out of the room.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't do anything. The floor slipped in and out of view. My stomach felt like someone had kicked me with all their strength. My chest ached. My vision blurred. And then I knew no more.

* * *

_A/n - This chapter was exceptionally difficult to write. I hate making Soda the bad guy, but this entire chapter is crucial to the later parts of the story. For the next chapter, keep in mind that it's still the 1970s and advanced medicine had yet to be invented. _

_I love hearing back from you all. I especially need an idea for the final chapter (not that it's coming any time soon.) as I still haven't decided if I want it to be a happy ending, a sad ending, or a bitter sweet ending! I'll take all ideas into consideration! _


	15. Chapter 14 - Fire and Ice

"_Some say the world will end in fire,__  
__Some say in ice.__  
__From what I've tasted of desire__  
__I hold with those who favor fire.__  
__But if it had to perish twice,__  
__I think I know enough of hate__  
__To say that for destruction ice__  
__Is also great__  
__And would suffice." _

– _Robert Frost "Fire and Ice"_

* * *

After the initial shock wore off, I concentrated on thinking positively. Darry had asked Steve what he had told the doctor, and Steve just shrugged.

"Told him that the puppy tripped her down the porch stairs," he sighed. Even Steve didn't have the heart to put Soda's wellbeing in danger. I had a feeling that he would feel bad enough once he realized what he had done.

It seemed like it took forever for the doctor to come back with an update. We were all sitting in the waiting room, trying to keep our minds busy and off the fact that Pepsi could die. When the doctor finally came, I saw a very familiar look on his face. I braced myself for the worst possible news.

* * *

_Monday, September 13__th__, 1971 – OR 7_

"How does one little girl bleed so much?" the nurse asked as she tried to clamp down on the major arteries that were leaking blood. It was a futile effort and they all knew it. They knew it from the moment the opened the toddlers chest that she wasn't going to survive.

"We're losing her," another nurse called as she looked at the monitors. The doctor worked as quickly as he could, making every move possible to stop the bleeding before the 4 year old bled out on his operating room table.

He worked for three hours before her heart stopped for the final time. After losing her three times, but successfully bringing her back, his efforts were put to an end when her heart beat its final beat.

"Time of death, 9:06 am September 13th, 1971," he said, his tone soft, though it was apparent to everyone in the room that he felt as heartbroken as the child's mother surely would.

* * *

_8:45 am – in the waiting room_

Steve was the one who told me to go out for a cigarette. I didn't want to move, but I did anyway. I needed the nicotine to steady my nerves. Steve wrapped his arm around my waist, leading me out of the grim room, into the parking lot. No one else dared to follow. They'd all been in the same place before, on the night Cola passed away.

When we reached the parking lot, I sat down heavily on one of the benches, my head in my hands as tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn't explain what was going through my head. All I knew was that if my little girl didn't make it, it would be the final straw. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to forgive Soda, even though it was something he really couldn't control.

"She's strong, Jo, she's going to make it," Steve was trying to comfort me, but it didn't work.

"Steve, it's bad, it's real bad," I cried. I just wanted to go back in time, just a few short hours, and stop my little girl from going into that room. "What if she doesn't?"

"She will," Steve said with so much conviction, it was almost believable. I lit up a cigarette and looked off into the distance, trying to tell myself that my daughter had to be okay. She just had to.

"You know, I just wish I knew what was going on with Soda. I mean, I get it, shit was rough overseas and everything, and I can't begin to imagine what you or him went through, but I can promise you that regardless, I would have never laid my hands on my daughter," I exploded. Tears fell from my eyes and I couldn't seem to get them to stop. "It just don't make sense!"

"Hey, she's gonna be okay, okay?" Steve said gently, pulling me into a hug. "Soda didn't mean to."

"I know that!" I sobbed, unable to turn off the tears. "I just…I just don't know if we're gonna make it through this."

We lapsed into silence after that. I lit another cigarette, taking long drags, killing it in half my normal time. I stood up, careful not to put too much weight on my bad leg and waited for Steve to follow suit. We returned to the waiting room in silence.

* * *

We hadn't been back more than maybe 15 minutes when the doctor came out, a grim expression on his face. I knew that look all too well.

"I'm sorry," he said flatly. "We did everything we could."

My heart dropped. I took a deep breath and pressed my eyes shut, letting my head fall to my hands as I tried to register what he was saying.

The amount of emotions that were rushing through my mind was insane. Anger, frustration, sadness. Longing, regret, remorse. Hate. Bitterness. Numbness. It was impossible to tell the emotions apart any longer. I didn't even cry. I couldn't. I'd spent too much time crying already.

I stood up, not even caring that I was probably screwing up the last two weeks of healing, and walked out of the waiting room without a word to my family and friends. I walked out of the parking lot, down the street, not even taking in my surroundings. I just kept walking. I walked and walked for what felt like forever. I later learned that Steve followed me the entire way. But in that moment, all I felt was despair. I needed to get away. Away from Darry's sad eyes. Away from Mary's broken features. Away from Pony's sympathetic gaze. Away from Two-Bit's pale, vacant eyes. And most of all, away from Steve's anger. Because sitting there, with them all, I was feeling every emotion. Every single emotion.

I didn't stop walking until I reached the cemetery, which was a good hour and a half walk from the hospital. My leg was hurting something fierce, but I welcomed the pain. It was a constant reminder of all I'd been through, physically and emotionally, since my mother's death. I walked down the line of grave markers, until I reached the ever familiar plot where all but my sisters were laid. I sank to my knees, resting my hand on my mother's headstone. I could almost feel her presence. It almost felt as if she were there with me, trying to comfort my broken heart.

"Mama, I need your advice," I whispered, tears still not falling from my eyes. "I don't know if I should hate Soda or God or the President. I don't know if I should hate myself for being so damn loyal to him. I don't know if I should blame myself for all this." I took a deep breath, my heart racing in my chest. "I love him, ya know? He's the only constant I've ever really had. Sure, the rest of the gang was always there and I've always had the girls, but Soda, he's always been my rock. He's been my stubborn, beautiful, kind hearted rock through all of this. But now? Now he's the reason I just lost my daughter. Damnit, I hate him for being the reason she'll never grow up. The reason she'll never laugh or sing or cry again. But I love him none the less. Does that make me no better than the monsters you warned us about when we were kids? Does it make him no better than them?" I couldn't shake the feeling that I was to blame for that entire stinkin' situation. "Mama, I need you to tell me what to do. Because right now, I just…damnit, I just wanna lie down and die, so I can see you and Dad and Tyler and Tommy and Pepsi and Cola again. Shit, I just wanna see Dally and Johnny one last fucking time. I wanna get blitzed and have careless, dirty sex with the damn devil himself, just to take the edge of reality for a little while. I wanna drive across this ugly, cruel country, just to see the sunset on the East Coast. Fuck, mama, I need you to help me, now more than ever before."

As much as I wanted to cry, no tears came. And that was when I realized that though I had always been a spitfire, always the first one to chew you out for something you've done wrong, that now, now I was cold, cruel and unfeeling. And that was not who I wanted to be. Motherhood had softened me. It had made me think before acting a lot more and made me censor myself in more than one way, but in that moment, I realized that anger was the one emotion I felt more than any other. I was angry. Not particularly at Soda, but at the world. I hated the world for dealing me a shitty hand. I was angry at the world for constantly taking the people I loved away from me. I was angry at the world for making me choose between my head and my heart. Because neither could agree anymore. My head told me to run far, far away, but my heart told me that my family, both my sisters and my unofficial brothers needed me. My heart told me that most of all, Soda needed me. But that wasn't enough to kill the fire burning deep, deep down.

I stood up, now more aware than before of how badly my leg hurt, and started in the general direction of home. I didn't really want to go back, but I knew the longer I put it off, the more I'd want to turn around and never look back. It was only when I was rounding the corner to the DX, that Steve made his presence known. He came up next to me, gently steering me in the direction of the garage. Once we were there, he locked the doors, giving us privacy. He sat me down on the hood of a '67 Impala, before standing in front of me, a pained expression on his face. He put a hand on either one of my shoulders, before coming down to my level.

"Look at me," he said, his tone gentle, yet firm. I met his icy blue eyes. He brushed a stay curl away from my face, before giving me a funny look. "Jo-Anna Beth, I've known you for as long as I've known Soda, and let me tell you something, you're easy to read. Now, I get it, you're hurting, and shit, we all are. We all loved that little girl as much as you did. Fuck, I've known her for only a couple of weeks, and lemme tell ya, she's so much like you and Soda, it's not even funny. But you can't go around hating the world because of her death. You can't. You'll drive yourself insane. Shit, you'll prolly go off and be no better at dealing with it than Soda is. But lemme tell ya something. I did a lot of things while at war, and it does things to people. Death, in and of itself, does things to people. It makes some people bitter. It drives others to drink or shoot up or kill themselves. But for some, it makes 'em realize how much family means to them. Even if that family isn't their own. Now, are you gonna tell me you don't feel it? You don't feel how much family really means?"

"Family has always come first," I whispered, trying to figure out where he was going with all this.

"Exactly. For you, everything you've ever done was for family. Remember when we were about 8, well I was 8 anyway, and those guys were messing with me and Soda at school?" he asked. I remembered. I was about 10 at the time. I nodded. "You ran up and knocked them flat after they pushed me against the fence. You beat their faces black and blue, until they vowed to never lay 'nother hand on me or Soda ever again. You didn't care that you were gonna get grounded for fighting at school or for ripping your only good dress. You didn't even think about that until you were walking home and your mom hollered something fierce when she found out. But you took it and didn't even flinch when she laid in on you."

"Steve, get to the point," I said sourly.

"My point is, is you've got a whole family at your side. Don't turn away now. Don't shut us out," he said in defeat. He pulled me in for a hug, and for the first time since Soda was drafted, I felt completely safe. I put my arms around him, silently thanking whoever there was to thank, for a friend who got it. Who understood and knew exactly what to say. The strange part was, normally Soda was the one who knew what to say. He was good at it. Steve, he was always a kid brother to me. Someone to defend and protect, someone to tease and fool around with. For the first time ever, I realized that my friendship with Steve was so much more than just that. Maybe, despite my original beliefs, maybe Steve was my constant after all. Maybe he would be the one to make everything okay. I didn't really believe that, but it was something. And at that point, all I needed was something (or someone) to hang on to. Something no one could rip away from me, no matter how hard they tried.

* * *

_A/n - This chapter was one of the more difficult to write, because I was afraid to change Steve into the big teddy bear like person, but decided the benefits outweighed the downfalls. In order for this story to unravel as planned, I needed one of the two (Soda or Steve) to become a rock, and since I need Soda to be the 'bad guy' in order to paint the right picture, I needed Steve to become the one person keeping everyone together, as will be shown in later chapters. I hope no one is too upset that Steve isn't the sassy, arrogant boy he was before he went to war! I promise, everything will make so much more sense come the end of this little (okay, long) tale! Please keep the reviews coming - they really help me get a feel for which direction you'd like to see this story take! _

_Also, in the next chapter, I'm opening it (you know, the quote) with a song that obviously wasn't around at the time, but fits with the story perfectly. Just thought I'd put that out there. ;)_

_As always, reviews, favorites and follows are much appreciated! _


	16. Chapter 15 - Anthem of the Angels

"_Days go on forever  
But I have not left your side  
We can chase the dark together  
If you go then so will I_

_There is nothing left of you  
I can see it in your eyes  
Sing the anthem of the angels  
And say the last goodbye."_

– _Breaking Benjamin "Anthem of the Angels"_

* * *

The house was abnormally quiet by the time Steve and I finally stepped through the door. Not even the puppy made a sound. I was overly aware to the fact that it seemed like Blade and Tuffy were the only living souls in the house. I walked down the hall, straight to the bedroom Soda and I shared, not very surprised to see it vacant. I sighed and sat down at the foot of the bed, tears in my eyes, but not exactly falling. I laid down, letting the stress and sorrow of the day really sink in. Steve left me alone, probably knowing that I needed some time to really think everything through. I needed a few minutes of absolute silence to calm my nerves and shake the dreadful feelings from my bones. Even the animals seemed to sense this, as neither came anywhere near the open door, something Tuffy rarely ever didn't do.

I found myself remembering the first week after the twins were born. Darry had taken the week off work to help me adjust to motherhood a little easier, since two babies were a lot harder than the one I had practically raised since she was born. We spent a long time trying to explain to Michelle that now she wasn't the baby of the house. That in and of itself, had been a tiresome task. But by the end of that week, so adored her niece and nephew and was eager to help me with them whenever she could.

I remembered how colicky Cola had been. He would cry and cry, for hours at a time, for no reason at all. Darry and I would walk around, rocking him for hours, only to have him cry more. It seemed almost impossible to sooth him. But the doctors assured me that it was normal. Pepsi on the other hand, was a very easy baby. She knew how to get what she wanted, when she wanted it, but she was quiet most of the time. It wasn't until after Cola died that she got to be a little less manageable.

As I was thinking about my two babies, I found myself missing my mother even more. The way she was able to make any situation okay, even when deep down we knew it wasn't. The way she could brighten a room with her smile. Her eyes would dance with laughter and love, despite the mood of those around her. In a way, I think that was always the reason I loved Soda so much. He and my mother were so much alike, in the sense that they were happy, peppy people, whereas I took after my father more – though I wasn't an abusive drunk, I was far more sullen and withdrawn when I was younger. Unless I was with the gang. When I was around them, I was a totally different person all together. It was so hard to really put into words why that was. Maybe it was because after my mother died, they were the family I so desperately needed. Or maybe it was because somehow, fate wanted to ensure that I'd be okay after my family was dead and gone.

_I still have the girls, _I reminded myself. That got me thinking even more. How was I going to explain to Michelle that now, not only had she lost her nephew and her dog, but now, she'd lost her niece as well? That brought me to an even more painful thought. How would I explain to Soda, that he was the cause of his daughter's death? It was hard enough telling him that Cola died before he met him, but now, his daughter was gone too, before he even really got to know her.

That thought left me breathless. Soda needed love and attention now more than ever. He needed a steady hand to guide him back to us. But how could any of us be that hand, when he shuts down whenever he's around us? _Misery loves company_, I thought as I sat up slowly, my entire body aching from the events of that morning. It was impossible to believe that it wasn't even noon yet. I had to think of a plan. Either have someone pick Michelle up from school early so I could sit her down and explain everything to her, or wait, and deal with Soda first. Either way, I knew it was going to be a very long, very trying day. I wasn't looking forward to it one bit.

I knew Mary and Pony had to work later and I knew for a fact that track practice had started, so Pony wouldn't be home until much later. I knew that meant that I'd be alone with Michelle and Soda, unless Darry took off work. Well, not entirely alone, since Steve really didn't have anywhere else to go. I groaned and got off the bed, my leg now almost completely numb. Had it not been for the thick cast, I wouldn't have been able to stand upright. I had no idea where my crutches were, so I hobbled down the hall, towards the living room. Steve was sitting on the couch, absentmindedly stroking Blade's thick fur.

"Let's go find the rest of the gang," I said, startling him. He blinked, the rose to his feet, nodding once.

"You bringing the pup?" he asked, looking down at the little puppy that was wiggling at his feet.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Better to have him around us than here alone," I added. I grabbed the rope off the table and tied it to his collar. He looked up at me with bright, dancing eyes. It was shocking how blue his eyes were against his jet black fur.

I didn't really want to leave the serenity of my own house, but for the sake of my family, I did. I closed the door behind us, letting out a sigh as we walked the short distance across the yards. Steve opened the back door of the Curtis house for me, taking the leash from my hand. Once we were inside, the smell of freshly baked brownies reached my nose. I saw Mary standing over the sink, her shoulders rising and falling as she cried. I hobbled over to her, putting my hands on her shoulders. I guided her silently down the hall, into Darry's room. Though there was a rule about privacy and such, I knew his room was the one place I could talk to my sister alone. Darry saw us walk in from his perch on the recliner in his living room, but he said nothing. I made Mary sit on his bed as I lowered myself beside her.

"Easy," I said gently, wrapping my arms around her shoulders.

"It sucks," Mary said, her voice hoarse from crying. "Pepsi was so innocent…so precious," she whispered. "How are we going to explain it to Mickey? God, Mickey's only 8, she's not going to comprehend this. With Cola, she was too little to really absorb it, and even when she did, she wasn't as close to Cola as she was with Pepsi."

"I know," I said gently. "We'll get through this."

"How can you say that? Jo-Anna, don't you realize? Your _boyfriend_ killed your daughter!" she practically screamed. I wanted to hall off and punch her, but instead, I wrapped her even tighter in my arms.

"I know," I whispered, still unable to really feel the right emotions. "It was an accident."

"Regardless! Because of his stupidity, a child is dead!" Mary screamed.

"Where is he anyway?" I asked.

"Probably off shooting up in an alley again!" she growled. "If he wasn't Pony's brother, I'd kill him. I really would."

"No you wouldn't," I said gently. "You're not a killer."

"You could say the same about Sodapop. But he is. He killed his own daughter. And for what? Because she innocently mistook him for you?" she snapped, scratching at my face. "This is all your fault!"

Those five words would haunt me for the rest of my life. _This is all your fault. All your fault. All. Your. Fault. Had you been wiser, more protective of your daughter, she'd still be alive. You're the reason she is dead. Not Soda, not the war, not anyone's other than your own. This is all your fault. _

Her cruel, heated words made my heart skip a beat as realization sank in. It _was _all my fault.


	17. Chapter 16 - Who's the Enemy?

_"Who is the enemy? How can you distinguish between the civilians and the noncivilians? The same people who come and work in the bases at daytime, they just want to shoot and kill you at nighttime. So how can you distinguish between the two? The good or the bad? All of them look the same."_

_- Private Varnado Simpson,_  
_a U.S. soldier from Charlie Company of the 23rd Infantry Division, 1969_

* * *

When I finally got the strength to leave the bedroom, the house was still quiet. Too quiet. I walked towards the bathroom, then decided to go straight into the living room, where Steve was reading a book – something we never used to see him do.

Mary's words were still haunting me, even later, when I was trying to make something at least somewhat appealing for dinner. Pony had agreed to pick Michelle up before he went to the track for practice, and I knew Darry would be working until 6 or 7, so it would be a quiet afternoon. I rummaged around the pantry, trying to find something easy to cook, but after about a half hour, I gave up. I wasn't even in the mood to cook.

I sighed and opened the back door, Blade at my feet as I walked outside, stopping at the invisible line that divided the two properties. A line that was never needed, never even really remembered. Ever since the fence came down close to five years ago, there was no point in thinking about it. Now, now I found myself wishing the fence was back up. Wishing that I locked my doors at night and kept the kids protected and out of harm's way. But I did all that, didn't I? I knew where Mary was at every moment, even though she was almost 19 and legally free to come and go as she pleased. Michelle was always home before the sun set, and if she wasn't, she was over at the Curtis house. Pepsi was never to be outside alone. I even made sure the dogs were in by the time I went to bed. I never once thought that the danger was inside my house. Not even when Tim Shepherd and his wild sister would crash there on the odd occasion that they had a falling out with their mother.

Now, my home felt like a dangerous, empty place. And that feeling was not something I could handle very well. I caught sight of Pepsi's toys spread out across the two yards. The swing Darry set up for her only a few months ago, the little doll Two-Bit lifted for her a few years ago. It was impossible for me to imagine my life without that bouncing, bright eyed little girl.

"How's Pepsi?" Michelle concerned voice chimed as she opened the gate to the backyards. She ran over to me, her eyes wide with anticipation. "Pony's coming in a minute, he stopped to get food."

"C'mere Mickey," I said softly, opening my arms to her. She crawled into my lap, a look of panic on her face.

"Where's Pepsi?" she asked, her voice breaking.

"Pepsi…Pepsi didn't make it, Michelle," I said softly, my own voice hoarse.

"What? No!" Michelle cried, her eyes filling with tears. "You're…no!" She got up from my lap and bolted, jumping the gate with little effort. I wasn't surprised – she was as agile as the rest of us. I heard bags drop on the front porch and the sound of shoes hitting the pavement. I knew Pony was running after her. I got up, my heart aching as I hobbled around to the front of the house, sitting on the steps beside the discarded bags of groceries. The front door opened behind me a few minutes later, and out came Steve, his eyes red from crying.

He sat beside me and put an arm around my shoulders as we waited for Ponyboy. If anyone could catch up with Michelle, it was him. While we waited, I found myself wondering what this meant for our families. Would we wind up never talking again? Would the boys loathe Soda as much as Mary did? Would they blame me?

What would it mean for Michelle, who worshipped the ground Soda walked on, almost as much as Ponyboy did? What would it mean for her innocence? How would she deal with this? How would any of us?

And what about Soda? How would he react to the news? Would he hate himself? Would he blame me and say it was my fault for letting her be in the same house as him? Would he continue to shoot up heroin until it killed him? Would he ever come home?

Ponyboy came back about an hour later, Michelle in his arms. She looked exhausted and pale from running. Pony said nothing as he sat down beside us, Michelle still hugging him for dear life.

"I'm skipping practice," he informed me. "My family needs me." The way he said it, made me realize that despite everything, we were family, and family stuck together.

"I hate him," Michelle said, her voice thick with tears. "I hate him so much!"

"Michelle, hate is a strong word," I scolded without any real conviction. "No one hates Soda. We're mad and sad and disappointed with him, but we don't hate him."

"No, Jo-Anna Beth, I hate him. I hate him with my entire heart and soul. He killed Pepsi. He's no better than the man that shot mama and daddy." Her voice broke my heart. I knew she'd never see Soda the same again.

But then, would any of us? Would any of us be able to look at Soda the same?

Steve, who'd been silent through the entire thing, finally spoke up, his voice broken.

"Michelle, war changes a man. When you're at war, you're forced to do things you ain't proud of. When Soda was a prisoner, he was forced to go through things none of us can even begin to understand," he said, his hands shaking. I rested my hand on his shoulder, nodding for him to go on. "Soda was a prisoner for close to four years. Don't forget, that in that time, I was fighting for my life, trying to find him to bring him home. When I found him, after all those years, he was the shell of the man I grew up with. He wasn't the same fun loving, carefree man he once was. And that's because he was forced to _kill_ people, just to stay alive. Not even the enemies either. No, he was forced to kill his own. It was the only way they would keep him alive."

This was news to all of us. I glanced at Pony and saw fear written all over his face.

"He was beaten beyond recognition, starved half the death and forced to rat out his own. He was…he was hurt in more ways than I can even explain," Steve took a deep breath. "But he's not the only one who suffered. He's broken, he's scared, but he's being selfish." The way Steve said it took me by surprise. This was the first time Steve really went into detail about his or Soda's time overseas. "He's not the only one who got hurt. We hadn't been there more than six months when I witnessed the worst thing…the worst thing I could ever really imagine. We were trying to take out the enemy camp. But we weren't organized. We were still too undertrained and easily spooked. Then the bombs went off. The bombs that our men dropped. We scattered. Some of us were lost, but that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was hearing the mother's scream for their children. Children that were innocent, who had no reason to be killed. But they were. They were killed because they were not our own." Tears rolled down Steve's cheeks. "I went back. I went back and tried to save them…a few other guys…they followed but…but…" Steve's entire body was shaking at this point. I put my arms around him and hugged him tight.

"Shh, you don't have to say it," I said gently.

"No," he shook his head. "I do."

He took a moment to regain his control before continuing "We lost a dozen men that day, but not to the enemy. We lost a dozen men because they were fathers. They had babies at home and they couldn't bear taking children away from their families."

We lapsed into silence for a few minutes, before Steve sighed and looked up at the sky.

"This war…I don't even know why we're fighting it. It's doing nothing but breaking the spirits of everyone involved."

Michelle looked over at Steve, her eyes red from crying. She reached across me, putting her small hand on his arm, a sad smile playing on her face.

"I'm glad you're home, Steve," she said softly, before pressing her eyes shut, taking a deep, shaking breath.

I rubbed Michelle's back, before taking out a pack of cigarettes, passing them around to everyone except Michelle.

We sat on the porch, smoking in silence until Mary came home an hour later. She looked exhausted, but sat beside us, taking the pack of cigarettes from my lap and lighting up.

"You're out of smokes," she informed me harshly. I shrugged. Two-Bit was bringing some over whenever he got his ass over.

"How was work?" Pony asked, though by his tone, I knew those two were at odds.

"Horrible. Apparently, the whole neighborhood is aware that your brother is a crazy baby killer," she snapped, getting to her feet, throwing her smoke on the ground before storming into the house, slamming the door with so much force, the entire porch shook.

"She didn't mean that," I said quickly, placing a hand on Pony's shoulder. His eyes were ablaze is more anger than I'd ever seen before.

"She better learn to watch her tone," he growled.

"Pony," Steve said gently. He nodded at Michelle, who had her face buried in Pony's chest, her shoulder's shaking as she sobbed silently.

Pony deflated at the sight. He hugged my little sister close as I got up and went into the house, searching for Mary. I didn't have to search long, as she was sitting on the bathroom floor, a razor to her wrist. I sat next to her, wrapping her hand in mine as I pulled the blade from her grip. She didn't fight me, instead, she buried her head into my neck, crying bitterly. I wrapped my arms around her, just like I did all those years ago, rocking her gently as I said things to sooth her.

It took a while to calm her down, but once she was more in control, she went outside to apologize to Ponyboy, who accepted with no questions asked. The two decided to go for a walk, probably to find something to distract them for a while. I took Mickey inside, fed her a sandwich then laid her down on the couch, demanding she tried to get some rest. She nodded tiredly, even though it was still early.

The house was quiet after that as me and Steve cleaned up a little before sitting down in the kitchen, waiting for Darry to come home. As expected, he got home at 8. He slumped into the recliner, a look of defeat on his face.

"Have you seen Soda?" he asked as Steve and I walked into the living room a while later.

"No, why?" Steve asked, his own voice hoarse.

"Apparently…apparently he's the talk of the town," Darry sighed. He buried his head in his hands, and by the way his shoulders were shaking, I knew he was crying too. I still hadn't cried. I couldn't. I couldn't cry. I had to be strong. For my sisters, for my family, I had to put my own grief aside.

"We'll find him," I said gently, rubbing Darry's back. "We'll bring him back to us, one day at a time."

"How are you even still standing?" Darry asked, his eyes full of rage. "How are you able to talk about him without even a hint of hate? He's a monster!"

"He's not," I said gently. "Not to me, anyway. He's broken. He needs a serious wakeup call, and maybe…maybe this was the wakeup call he needed."

"You…you're unbelievable," Darry said, his tone hinting amazement. "Anyone else…everyone else can't even look at him right now."

"I can't say I don't hate his actions, 'cause I do. I'm pissed and hurt and would love to bash his head in, but he's the love of my life, Darry. He's part of who I am and who I wanna be. 'Member what your mom always said? 'Family doesn't give up on family'," I said gently. "Soda needs his family."

"He killed your daughter!" Darry exclaimed, slamming his fist down on the living room table. "He killed your fucking daughter!"

"Who did?" a voice cried from the front door. We all turned and saw Soda standing there, his face a black and blue mess, blood dripping from the deep cut on his forehead. "Who killed who?"

"You did! You killed Pepsi!" Darry screamed, completely losing it. Steve got between the two before he could start in on Soda. He didn't need to. Soda fell to his knees, tears flowing freely as realization sank in. I didn't know where he'd been or what had happened, but it seemed like I was right. This was the wakeup call he needed.

I was caught between a rock an' a hard place. I couldn't decide if I should comfort him or tear into him. I did neither. Instead, I picked up my sister, told the dog to go home, and walked out the back door, across the yards, into my deathly silent house, where I locked the door without even thinking.

I sat down against the door after laying Michelle on the couch. Blade came up to me and pushed his head into my face, whining softly. I wrapped my arms around him, and for the first time since the doctor told me that my daughter was dead, I cried. I cried long and hard, oblivious to the rest of the world. Blade's thick, warm fur pressed into my face, giving me just one little thing to hold onto. I gripped at him tightly as I sobbed bitterly.

I cried for my mother, who never got to see her youngest daughter grow up. I cried for my brother Tyler, who went down the wrong path and died long before his time was up. I cried for Martha and Darrel, who left this world all too soon, leaving behind three boys who loved and missed them to death. I cried for Tommy, who tried to get away from it all, only to be drafted and killed before he even knew what love was. I cried to my father, the drunk, abusive man who never once showed any kind of care for us kids, even before our mother had died. I cried for Steve's dad, who was a broken, angry man who drank himself to an early grave. I cried for my son, who never got to see the beauty in the world. And I cried for my daughter, who had been through so much in her short four years of life, only to ultimately meet her end, at her father's hand.

I cried for Soda, who would never be able to forgive himself. I cried for Darry and Ponyboy. Mary, Michelle, Two-Bit, Steve. I cried for all of them. And I cried for myself.

Because this was no life. This was a nightmare – a cruel, horrible nightmare that seemed to never end.


	18. Chapter 17 - The Monster Comes Out

"_And he suddenly knew that if she killed herself, he would die. Maybe not immediately, maybe not with the same blinding rush of pain, but it would happen. You couldn't live for very long without a heart."__  
__―__Jodi Picoult_

* * *

I didn't move. I couldn't move. Everything ached. Everything felt surreal and empty. Every breath felt like it was going to be my last. I couldn't think. Every thought felt like another knife in my chest.

I'd forgotten that Darry had the spare keys to the house. Just as I had his. It was a safety thing. Or something like that. I guess I was thinking about that when I decided to lock all the doors, unplug my phone, and draw the curtains. I guess after a few hours, people started to worry.

It was dark out by the time I heard the front door unlock, the sound of feet hurrying through the house, the soft calling of my name. I didn't make any move to acknowledge them. I didn't need to. Steve found me first. He fell to the ground beside me, shaking me, trying to snap me out of whatever state I was in. But it was hopeless. I wasn't coming back. I wasn't going to recover from this last, final blow.

Darry tried next, talking to me like he did a wounded animal. It didn't help. He tone was empty, insincere. I closed my eyes, leaning back against the door, my pain apparent. There was an empty bottle of vodka sitting beside me. My head ached, whether from the liquor or the stress of the day, I wasn't sure. I was numb. Utterly and comfortably numb. It was a welcomed sensation.

I was oblivious to the conversation that went on right in front of my face. I didn't care that I was the center of it. No, I had a right to be drunk in my own home. I had a right to shut down, to give up, to call it quits. My daughter was dead, my sisters were devastated and my boyfriend was a monster. I had all the rights in the world to throw in the towel and never, ever have a care in the world again.

Apparently, they didn't think so. Because all too soon, I felt ice cold water beating down on my head. I yelped and tried to get away, just like Tuffy did when we had to give her a bath after she got into the trash when we first brought her in. Strong arms held me in place until I opened my eyes, spitting profanities, sober as ever.

"What the fuck Steve!" I cried, slapping at his face. He took it like a man, holding me still until he saw my features relax. I grumbled until he let me go, quickly making a beeline for my bedroom. I threw the soaking wet clothes on the floor and wrapped the towel that was sitting on my bed around me, shivering like a drowned cat. I quickly changed into the first set of clothes my hands touched, before tying my hair back, knowing it would be a matted mess in the morning, but not caring one bit.

I was still shivering as I walked out of the bedroom, struggling to scratch the itch the water caused inside my cast. I groaned and grabbed the comb off the counter in the bathroom and tried to reach it, but it was hopeless. I gave up and hobbled into the living room, where Steve sat on the arm of the sofa, concern written all over his face. I wanted to be angry with him, but I couldn't.

"What?" I finally asked, glaring at him.

"We…Soda needs you," Steve said softly, his voice hoarse, his eyes showing just how exhausted he was. Immediately, I felt horrible.

"Where is he?" I asked, hoping to God they didn't bring him back into my house.

"Dunno. Darry laid in on him and he ran," Steve sighed shaking his head miserably.

"Where's Mickey?" I asked, glancing at the sofa.

"At Darry's. C'mon, let's go find Soda," Steve said, though by his tone, I could tell he really had no interest in finding his best friend.

"After we get this cast taken off," I grumbled. Steve didn't argue as we loaded into his car and drove to the hospital. Once we were there, I had a hell of a time trying to explain myself to the doctor who originally performed the surgery, but after nearly an hour of arguing with him, threatening him, and attempting to scare him into it, he agreed to remove the cast.

"It's not because you got in my face either," he made a point of saying as he cut away at it. "It's because you'd never leave if I said no."

"Whatever," I snarled. It took only five minutes to get the cast off, but once it was, I was relieved. I rolled my pant leg down, carefully putting weight on my injured leg. It hurt like hell, but it held. I smiled and limped back outside, this time, not feeling hindered by the cast.

It took us a while to find Soda, but when we finally did, it was apparent that he was sober, for the first time since coming home from the hospital. He was sitting on the park bench, his head in his hands.

"Go home and get some sleep," I told Steve as I got out of his car. "I'll call if we need a ride."

"I don't think that's a good idea," he warned gently, more protective than usual.

"Steve, I love you, but you look like you're about to fall asleep as it is. At least sleep in the backseat or something?" I suggested, meeting him half way. I didn't feel all too comfortable with him driving right then anyway.

"Fine," he agreed, yawning. "Wake me up if you need me."

"I will," I promised.

I closed the door and headed towards Soda, who was still unaware of my presence. I sat down beside him, gently placing a hand on his arm. He looked up, his eyes red and swollen from crying. He looked like he couldn't decide if he wanted to pull away or embrace me. Eventually, I put my arms around him, hugging him tightly as he cried into my hair.

"I'm so sorry, Jo," he whispered, sobs ripping from his chest. "I didn't mean to, I swear!"

"Shh," I shushed, rubbing his back. "I know you did." I pulled back so I could see his face. His right side was swollen and bruised, his hair matted with dried blood. He was a pathetic sight to say the least.

"Do you…do you hate me too?" he sobbed.

"No one hates you, Sodapop," I said gently.

"Darry does. Pony too," he cried. He looked so helpless.

"They don't hate you," I lied. I knew even if they hated him right now, he was their brother and they'd get over it…eventually.

"I'm sorry," he kept saying. I held him close, whispering sweet nothings in his ear, trying to sooth his regrets. He held me tight, as if his sanity was slowing slipping away.

"I need a fix," he said suddenly, his face relaxing, the tears ceasing. He stood up, nearly knocking me off the bench.

"Sodapop Patrick Curtis, if you walk away, we're done," I spat, all my pent up anger and frustration finally getting the best of me.

"Whatever," he growled, turning away from me. "You'll never get anyone else, no how."

"Sodapop," I growled. Now he was just being mean. "Don't you dare walk away."

"What're you gonna do? Try an' stop me?" he growled, his hands balled into fists.

"You gonn' hit me?" I taunted, just to see if he would. He growled, an angry snarl ripping from his lips as he came at me. I didn't even flinch. For the first time, I wasn't afraid of him. He threw a punch at my face and I took it, not even falling back, despite the blunt force of his fist connecting with my jaw. Despite the stars that clouded my vision, I sat firm as he hit me, again and again, until his legs gave way, his tough resolve crumbling as he sank to his knees, making sounds like a wounded animal.

"What the fuck," Steve shouted, running towards us. I held up my hand, warning him to slow down. He did so, but still made quick work of the distance between us. He took my face in his hands, inspecting the damage. I felt blood running down my face, but I didn't care.

"Damnit, Sodapop, that's it!" Steve shouted. He pulled Soda up by the collar of his shirt and started in on him, throwing punch after punch after punch until Soda laid on the ground, unconscious. Steve grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the car, ignoring my futile attempts to make him see sense. He pushed me in the car and sped off, leaving Soda where he was, bleeding and alone, on the cold, hard ground.

Steve was fuming still when we got back to Darry's house. He pulled me out of the car, practically dragging me into the house, slamming the door loudly startling Pony, Mary and Darry, who had been sitting in the living room.

"What the hell happened?" Darry shouted, coming towards us. I waved him away as I headed to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.

"Soda fucking happened!" I heard Steve scream. "Seriously Darry, get him committed before he hurts anyone else!"

"Is she okay?" Pony asked. I heard footsteps approaching the bathroom, so I stepped away from the door, sliding to the floor so I could rest my head on my knees.

"Jo?" Pony's voice was gentle. He pushed the door open and came to sit beside me. I let him, but didn't offer him any answers. He groaned when he saw my face. It must have been pretty bad, because he gently traced his fingers along my cheek, and boy, lemme say, it hurt!

"I can't believe he hit you," Pony said softly. "That's one thing our dad would have skinned his ass for," he muttered. "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not," I sighed, tears in my eyes. "I can't even hate him, ya know?"

"I know, me either," Pony sighed, my face showing nothing but sadness. "He's just messed up."

"Maybe Steve's right," I said slowly. "Maybe Soda does need to be committed.

We both sat in silence, thinking about it. Was it what was best for the family? Would it solve our problems if we removed Soda from the equation for a while? Would it help him?

After what happened the next morning, at Pepsi's funeral, our decision was made for us. By the state.


	19. Chapter 18 - Unexpected Turn

"_Remember when I cried to you a thousand times  
I told you everything  
You know my feelings  
It never crossed my mind  
That there would be a time  
For us to say goodbye  
What a big surprise_

_But I'm not lost  
I'm not gone  
I haven't forgot…" _

– _Avril Lavigne "Remember When"_

* * *

We laid Pepsi Nikole Curtis to rest the following day. We were dressed in black, our hearts as dark as our clothes, as we each set a single pale pink rose on her grave after she was buried. Michelle was in my arms, sobbing bitterly as she listened to the minister talk about being at rest and peace and being in heaven with our parents, her brother and her uncles. Steve stood beside me, his arm wrapped around my waist, taking all our problems, all our sorrows, upon himself. He was the comforting touch I needed that day.

Darry said a few words in honor of his first niece, his voice breaking with every word. When I was asked if there was anything I'd like to say, I handed Michelle to Steve, limping forward, tears in my eyes as I turned to the small crowd containing my friends, family, co-workers and perfect strangers.

"Pepsi Nikole Curtis was born on October 8, 1967, only 9 months after her father was drafted to fight in Vietnam. The labor was difficult, things were complicated to say the least, but with Darry and Pony right there beside me, I brought my beautiful son and daughter into this world. On December 15, 1968, my son, Cola Shaynne Curtis, died from complications with Meningitis. From that day forward, I vowed to love, cherish and protect my daughter at all costs…" my voice broke as realization sank in. I never got a chance to continue, because in the few seconds between me taking a deep breath and opening my mouth to continue, Sodapop was in front of every, anger written all over his face.

"You did a damn fine job of that, now didn't you Jo-Anna Beth?" he hollered, causing everyone in the crowd to gasp. "It's because of you our daughter is dead!"

"Soda," I warned, my voice barely a whisper.

"If you had been a better mother to her, she'd never have been there that morning! I'd never have had the chance to smack her hard enough to fucking kill her!" he roared. I took a step back. Apparently, my bruised face made the two police men, the same two men that had helped me after my mother was shot – the only two police men that I respected, realize that Soda was the one who put them there. They rose quickly, restraining Soda, even after he started fighting and trying to break free.

"Don't arrest him," I pleaded with Jeremy, the younger of the two.

"We're not," he promised me. "But he's being locked up for now. Come by tonight and we'll discuss the situation in private," he added as he and Timothy, the older one, led a kicking, screaming Sodapop Curtis away.

I stood beside Steve after that, unable to even dare to continue as the minister went on with the ceremony. Once the dirt was placed over Pepsi's coffin, between her brother and her uncle, we turned to leave.

The events caused the small crowd of people to be wary, unable to decide if they should approach me or not. Thankfully, Darry's glare made them stay back as we made for the cars. Steve turned me towards his car, while Mary took Michelle from me. Two-Bit gave me a hug, before pushing me towards Steve.

Steve drove towards the house until I told him I didn't want to go home yet. When asked where I wanted to go, my answer must have taken him by surprise, because he slammed on the breaks.

"Seriously?" he asked, giving me a funny look.

"I want to go to Jay Mountain, out in Windrixville, what's the crime in that?" I almost snapped.

"Nothing, we can if you want to…" Steve said carefully.

"I want to."

It was a long drive, but neither of us really minded all that much. I think we both just wanted to get away for a little while. As we were passing through town, Steve decided it would be a good idea to let Darry know where we were. I went into the store, a little unsure as I walked over to the payphone, inserted a nickel and dialed home. Darry answered the phone on the first ring.

"Jo, tell me that's you?" he practically shouted.

"It's me," I said shortly. "Me an' Steve decided to go for a ride. We'll be home later," I was about to hang up, but Darry cut me off before the phone was even away from my ear.

"We have to deal with Soda. You and Steve can go on your little road trip later," he said harshly.

"I haven't decided what I want to do about Soda just yet," I snapped. "'sides, I'm not even in Tulsa."

"Where the fuck are you?" Darry snapped. "And it's not up to _you_ what happens to Soda."

"We'll talk about this at home," I said dully. I wasn't in the mood to argue with Darry of all people. "Send my love to the girls," I added before I hung up. Before heading outside, I picked up a few bottles of Pepsi and a few candy bars. I figured a little comfort food for the road wasn't a bad idea. I also took a few minutes to use the bathroom, since I wasn't too keen to the idea of squatting in a cornfield.

"Took ya long enough," Steve said as I approached the car. "Hey, you got food."

"That I actually paid for," I laughed. It was _almost_ true. "You ever notice you get funny looks when you're walking around dressed in black?"

"You look like you just came from a funeral," he teased then groaned. He realized his error a little too late.

"Yeah, well," I huffed, then smiled so he knew it was okay. "C'mon, not far now."

"How pissed is Darry?" he asked as we pulled out of the parking lot.

"He'll have a cow when we get back, for sure," I chuckled. _But it's worth it_, I thought as I stared out the open window, the warm, late summer air blowing in my face. Out here, in the country, the air was fresh, pure. It felt good. It eased some of the hatred and pain in my heart.

I kinda wished that Soda was there with us. Maybe this would have broken his angry attitude. But maybe there was no breaking him, not now. _He blames me too. He blames me just like everyone else does. _

I was thinking back, just three short days ago, when my daughter died. The events of that morning were still fresh; lingering like the smell of a dead fish long after it's been scaled and cooked. The stink that wouldn't leave. The way Pepsi screamed when she was hit. The look on Michelle's face as she tried to explain what happened to me. The blood that flowed from my daughter's mouth. God, there was so much blood. I could still hear her cries as Steve tore her from my arms. He was the last one, other than the doctors, who got to see her alive. He was the last person she knew holding her. I hoped she knew that. I hoped she knew that Steve was there for her…

"Pull over," I said suddenly, my stomach churning. Steve slowed the car to a halt at the side of the road. I pushed the door open, my stomach lurching. It took me a few minutes to finally sit up right. Steve was holding my hair out of my face, a look of concern on his face. He brushed a stray strand of hair off my forehead, his hand lingering for a few seconds.

"You're warm," he said softly, the concern deepening. "You feeling okay?"

"Fine," I said, my voice raspy. He didn't look convinced.

"I knew this was a bad idea," he sighed, his fingers tracing the bruise on the side of my face. "Let's get you home."

"No," I almost begged, feeling like a little kid again. "Please."

"Jo, you can't run away from this," he said gently. "As much as you might want to."

"I know," I said softly.

Steve gave me a defeated look before pulling onto the road again. We were only a few miles away from Jay Mountain at that point. He drove slowly, taking extra caution to avoid bumps. The car jerked along, not really helping the uneasy feeling in my stomach. We didn't stop, however, until we were right up where the church once stood. The rubble was still there, despite the years that had passed, the root warped and rotted, almost mulch like. A little oak tree was growing in the center. It was ironic, really. Two lives were lost because of the events of that day. That day, the day Johnny Cade and Ponyboy, allied by Dallas Winston, all risked their lives for little kids. I got out of the car, my stomach still churning. I leaned against the hood, trying to pull myself together. I must have looked something awful, because Steve had a look of pure worry written all over his face.

"Jo, we really should go back," he said gently, his hand once again on my forehead.

"Steve, I'm fine," I assured him. He didn't look the least bit convinced. "Really." I sat down on the ground beside his car, letting my head rest against the rusted metal.

"You don't look fine," he said, coming to sit beside me. I leaned against his arm, not really in the mood to argue with him.

"Let's just stay a little while," I pleaded. He sighed and I knew he was going to give in.

We stayed like we were for a few minutes, until all the pent of emotions started to spill over. I tried to keep myself from crying, as I didn't want to worry him anymore than he already was, but it was a futile effort and soon, the tears were spilling out of my eyes.

"It sucks, you know?" I said between sobs. "She was so innocent. She wanted to meet him, you too, so much, it's not even funny. I can't even begin to imagine what was going through her mind when he hit her. And glory, he had to have hit her something fierce in order to kill her. Shoot, she wasn't that fragile, you know?" The words just poured out. "He's not the man I thought I knew. If this was coming from you, at least I could understand it. Fuck."

"Hey, shh, it's gonna be okay, Jo, I promise," Steve said gently. He pulled me close, rubbing up and down my arm softly.

"It's not, Steve," I sobbed. "Soda's a fucking monster."

"Hey, you don't mean that," Steve said gently, though I knew he knew it too. "He's just messed up, that's all, honey."

"So messed up he had to make a scene like that at our daughter's funeral?" I spat. I cried even harder as I remembered the way he looked at me. He looked at me like I was the one who killed her, not him.

"He doesn't know how to handle it, that's all," Steve tried to reason.

"No. He just doesn't want to face it," I snapped. Suddenly, my stomach heaved and it took all the strength I had to move away before vomiting beside the car. Steve was at my side again, his right hand holding my hair out of the way, his left, rubbing comforting circles in my back as I was sick again.

"We're going home," he said. This time, I didn't argue. I really wasn't feeling all that great. Steve carefully pulled me to my feet and pushed me into the car. Once he was in the driver's seat, he pulled off the jacket he was wearing and bunched it up so I could put it against the window to use as a pillow.

He made the effort to drive as smoothly as the old, beat up car would allow, and for that I was grateful. Halfway home, while I was half asleep, I felt his hand reach for my forehead again. I wanted to tell him not to worry so much, but it was just too much effort. He said something under his breath, but I didn't catch it. I was slipping in and out of consciousness the rest of the way back to Tulsa. The entire drive was nothing but a hazy blur.


	20. Chapter 19 - Unexpected Visit

"_We're all we've got left. We ought to be able to stick together against everything. If we don't have each other, we don't have anything. If you don't have anything, you end up like Dallas... and I don't mean dead, either. I mean like he was before. And that's worse than dead. Please... don't fight anymore." _

– _Sodapop Curtis "The Outsiders"_

* * *

I guess I was sick a few days after that, because the next clear memory I have, is of a very hyper puppy licking my face at 5 in the morning. I rolled over tiredly, feeling like I'd been asleep for a week by how stick my bones were. I was hyper aware that someone else was in the room. Upon a second glance, I saw Steve asleep in the arm chair. _Why's that old thing in here?_ I thought to myself as I grabbed one of the pillows off the bed and tossed it at him. He jerked awake, blinking his eyes as if he was trying to remember where he was.

"What happened?" I asked, sitting up slowly. My voice was hoarse and my throat hurt something fierce, but it wasn't my biggest concern. My biggest concern was what had happened after the funeral.

"You don't remember?" Steve asked, moving to sit beside me on the bed. I shook my head slowly. "Glory, Jo, you were real sick," he said gently, gently moving my hair off my face, his hand lingering on my forehead. The whole thing was beginning to drive me crazy.

"What happened to Soda?" I asked, not caring one bit that I'd been sick. I'd been sick before, far worse than a little flu or whatever was the problem this time. I'd seen people far sicker in my time, first off, my son. I obviously didn't die, so I obviously wasn't all that sick.

"The state ordered him to spend some time in the local ward," Steve said carefully, his tone guarded, like he was waiting for me to blow up or something.

"They forced him to be committed?" I asked in disbelief. There was no way Darry let that happening willingly.

"Actually, Darry suggested it…" Steve said softly. Well, there's a first for everything, apparently.

"No kidding?" I said, completely surprised.

"Yeah, I guess his outburst at the funeral kinda shook Darry up some. He was worried about everyone's…well ya know, safety," Steve said. I could tell by the dark circles under his eyes that he hadn't gotten much sleep those last few nights.

"Huh, never thought Darry would just had Soda over to the state like that," I said, my tone a lot harsher than I intended.

"You don't remember what happened, do you?" Steve asked, his tone turning from gentle to bitter.

"What do ya mean?" I asked, not entirely sure that we were on the same page.

"Don't you remember what happened after I brought you home?" Steve practically shouted. His little outburst caused Ponyboy, who must have been listening to our conversation, come into the room.

"Lay off, Steve," he said gently, coming towards us.

"No, she deserves to know!" Steve hollered. I hadn't seen Steve that angry since…well since before the war.

"Give her a few minutes, savvy?" Ponyboy said, producing a glass of water. "Drink," he instructed me, before snatching a bottle of pills off the nightstand. Weird, I hadn't noticed them. He popped two out and handed them to me. Like a child with her mother hovering in front of her, I took the pills without argument, washing them down with small sips of water.

I wasn't really in all that good of a mood, but since Blade was eagerly trying to wiggle back into my lap, I set the glass aside and shifted so he had room. He curled in my lap, his long fur brushing against my skin.

"So what happened?" I asked again, this time, trying to direct the question at Ponyboy.

"When I brought you home, Darry insisted on going right down to the station and working everything out. You insisted on coming along, because you felt you owed Soda that much. Why in the world you thought that, I still don't know," Steve said bitterly. "Anyway, we all hauled ass and got down there in record time."

I nodded, keeping up with the explanation, even though I didn't remember any of it.

"When we got down there…Soda said some pretty awful things to you," Pony said, shutting Steve up with a nasty glare. "He made…threats that the fuzz, not Darry, took lightly. So it was decided that he needed help…major help." Pony sat on the foot of the bed, a sad look on his face. "You don't remember any of it?"

"All I remember is going to Windrixville after the funeral. Everything else is a haze," I shrugged. "How sick was I?" Now that I knew where Soda was and why he was where he was, I wanted to catch up on what I missed. "How long…how long have I been sick?"

"You were pretty sick. You spent three days in the hospital, because nothing we did could break your fever, then you spent another week in bed, in and out of consciousness," Steve said gently, his anger now turned to concern. "You were asking for your mom a lot of the time."

"Oh…" I tried to remember, but I couldn't. I suddenly understood what Ponyboy had gone through after Johnny and Dally died. When he got sick, he couldn't remember either. "How're Mary and Michelle?"

"Mary's picking up extra shifts at the diner, and Mickey…well you know her. She's been trying to deal with everything. That kid's tough," Steve said with a smile. "Tim stopped by a few days ago – I guess he was worried about you too."

"Huh, either that, or Michelle got into it with Angela again," I sighed. For god knows what reason, both of my younger sisters had to break my only set rule of staying away from Curly and Tim Shepard's sister. Angela was nothing but trouble. She was a dark, twisted little girl with a lot of problems that I didn't need her bringing my sisters into.

"Angela doesn't live with Tim anymore," Steve said bluntly. "Their mom had her moved to a girl's home a few months back, apparently she kept getting into trouble at school and got arrested for armed robbery."

"See? I knew that child was nothing but trouble," I snorted. I coughed softly, my throat still sore. I reached for the glass of water, but ended up knocking it onto the floor because my movement caused the damn puppy to jerk up, knocking my hand away. I closed my eyes as the glass shattered on the hardwood floor, sending the skittish puppy flying off the bed.

"Nice one," I hissed to myself.

"I'll clean it up," Steve said, probably just so he had an excuse to move around some. It wasn't until then that I realized how crowded the bedroom seemed.

"Hey, Jo?" a familiar, very welcomed voice called from the other room.

"Yeah, Michelle?" I called back. Why wasn't she at school?

"There's a woman here looking for you," she called. "Said her name's Sally."

My heart dropped. What in the world could Sally possibly want? We hadn't updated her on anything after Soda was drafted. She didn't know about the twins, about how we were getting on, none of it.

"I'll be right there," I called, reaching for a clean shirt. Pony helped me stand, his hand gingerly placed at the small of my back. "Mickey, why don't you come in here."

"Alright," she called. A moment later, she was sitting on my bed. "Who's Sally?"

"Sally's your aunt," I said sourly. "And she has no right being here."

"Wait, she's the one who tried to take us away?" she asked, her eyes wide.

"Yeah," I growled, though even Michelle knew my anger wasn't directed towards her. I pulled on the cleanest shirt I could find, which wasn't even my own, and pulled my messy curls back, securing them with a clip before carefully walking down the hall. To my surprise, Blade was keeping my aunt at bay, growling loudly, snapping at her if she tried to step forward. I couldn't hide my smirk as I came over and gently patted the dog's head, applauding his behavior.

"I can't believe you keep a vicious dog around those girls," Sally immediately scolded me. I rolled my eyes and leaned against the doorframe, still feelin' kinda weak.

"What's this all about Sally?" I asked, just wanting the entire conversation to be over.

"You've got to be kidding me, love, you know exactly what this is all about," Sally's thick Texas accent made my skin crawl. "Why, chil' this is about that boyfriend of yours."

"What are you talking about?" I spat, panic rising in my chest.

"Darlin', he's all over the news clear across the country. 'Local War Vet Goes Insane At Daughter's Funeral'," she said, almost laughing at the title. "I wasn't even aware that he was a father. Glory, the poor mother of that child. What were you thinking anyhow? Getting involved with a married man?"

The way she said it really set me off.

"For your information, Sally May, 'that poor mother' as you put it, was me," I growled, my hands balling into fists. She gasped, her face going white as snow.

"My word, chil'," she said, swaying where she stood. "I didn't…I don't…When? How? _Why_?"

"Sally, really, why are you here?" I asked. My head was beginning to ache, and to be frank, I wasn't entirely in the mood to deal with her accusations.

"Obviously, now, I'm here to take Michelle and Mary and get them far, far away from this horrible town," she hollered, causing me to take a step back.

"Mary's not a child, Sally, she's free to do as she pleases," I said flatly. "And Michelle is in my custody, no two ways around it."

"That's the whole problem. The state never should've granted you custody of those girls. They're gonna go off and get pregnant and start the cycle all over again, just like your mama did," she spat.

"Don't. You. Dare," I warned, my patience pushed to its limits. "I'll have you know, Mary is pulling straight A's, working her ass off, and staying in school. College, Sally. She's done working her way through college," I growled. "And Michelle? Well that little girl is a bright little thing with a love for reading and free will."

"Free will? She's 8. She doesn't need free will, she needs structure and discipline!" Sally barked.

"Get out," I said. I couldn't handle her right now. I didn't need to. She had no legal right to Michelle. Shoot, she wasn't even related to her!

"You can't tell me to get out. It ain't your house!" Sally screamed, taking a step towards me. Blade growl, coming between us, his fur standing on end.

"No, but it is my house," a very welcomed voice chimed, its owner coming into view behind Sally. Darry stood there, his arms crossed in front of him, a look of disgust on his face.

"Jo-Anna Beth, you're still slumming around with this dirt?" Sally cried. "My word, no wonder you're such a mess. I tried and tried to tell your mama that these boys were no good, that these boys would make you girls grow up to be nothing but white trash hoods. Looks I was right after all."

"Sally, you're more wrong than you'll ever know," I sighed. "No, _please_, get the hell outta here."

"I'll see you in court!" She screamed as she turned and stomped down the stairs.

"No you won't," I said to myself as I backed away from the door. "No judge in his right mind is going to listen to a loonytoon like you."

I sat down on the couch, shaking my head.

"What was that all about?" Steve asked. He had heard the entire conversation. I waited for Darry to sit down and for Ponyboy to bring Michelle into the living room, before putting it as simply as I could.

"That woman has been trying to rip my family apart since my mother died. She has no legal right to either of the girls, and she has absolutely no right coming around here, throwing around accusations like she was. She wasn't there for Tommy's funeral or my father's, or even my mother's. Why she's trying to come back into our lives now, is beyond me," I said, my head aching from all the screaming and yelling.

"You don't gotta worry, Jo, she ain't gonna take Mickey away," Steve said softly.

"Oh, I'm not worried about that," I sighed. "I'm worried about what she is going to _do_."

"You think she's dangerous?" Darry asked, his voice rising.

"I know she is. Why do you think I was so against Tommy going to Texas to live with her?" I said with a shake of my head. "Like we needed any more stress."

"Shoot, she isn't gonna be any kind of problem," Ponyboy said with determination. "Let me and Mary deal with her."

"Fine by me," I agreed quickly. "Hey, Michelle, you wanna take Blade for a walk with me?"

"Sure," Michelle said.

"You feeling up for that?" Steve asked gently.

"If I don't get out, I'm going to flip out," I said with a nod. "We'll only go down to the lot and back."

"Be careful," Darry said out of habit as I slipped on a light jacket and retrieved the leash from the kitchen table.

"Don't worry, Dar," I said, placing a kiss on the top of his head before limping out the front door. It felt strangely comfortable in the house. At first, it didn't really hit me as to why, but as my baby sister and I walked, I realized that it was because, for the first time in a long time, we weren't trying to deal with Soda's attitude. Instead, we were just dealing with the normal problems that life threw our ways. Normal, simple problems. Problems that seemed juvenile and childish after everything that had happened over those last few weeks.

I was grateful. Grateful for an ounce of normalcy, even if it was at the expense of locking Sodapop away. Maybe, just maybe, things would return to normal.


	21. Chapter 20 - Sky

"_No matter what, I got your back__  
__I'll take a bullet for you if it comes to that__  
__I swear to god - we'll be okay__  
__So believe me when I say you're the one__  
__They'll never forgive us for the things we've done__  
__No way to justify, we got no alibi__  
__We are alive, we're on the run__  
__Just put your hand in mine, it shouldn't be a crime__  
__What have we done"_

– _Papa Roach "No Matter What"_

* * *

The next month was the longest month of my entire life. Sally, believe it or not, took me to court, trying to gain custody of Michelle, who she, by blood and by law, had no right to. As expected, the court granted me full custody of my baby sister, with the warning that if another event like what had happened to Pepsi, was brought to his attention, he would vanquish my rights to my sister and she would be awarded to the state.

I was back at work, filling gas tanks and manning the counter when I was approached by a man who I had never seen before in my life. He was dressed in a black suit, his face masking all emotions. My first thought was that he was for Mike, who was out in the garage with Steve. Steve too, had been given his job back, but I think the only reason he wanted it back was because he didn't like me to lone it. So he got the same shifts I worked, that sly fox.

"How can I help you?" I asked, faking a sweet tone I reserved only for the older, more wealthier customers that came into the station.

"I'm looking for the family of Sodapop Curtis," he said, his tone flat.

"I'm his girlfriend," I said. Steve, who had been filling up the tank for one of the cars parked out front, saw the man and was quickly making his way into the store.

"Have you spoken to Sodapop recently?" he asked, again, his tone flat, emotionless.

"No, actually. I've had a lot going on. Is something wrong?" I didn't like where this was going.

"No, not quite," the man said. "Is it possible for us to talk? In private?"

"No," I said, quickly throwing a look at Steve as he walked through the door. The last month had been stressful enough and for the first time, I was grateful Steve was right there to help get it over with. "I don't get off until after we close up. If you'd be kind enough to leave a phone number or something, I'll get back to you in the morning?"

Steve came up and snaked his arm around my waist, giving the man in the suit a nasty, fierce look.

"Ma'am, I think it's important we speak now," he said, his tone more urgent.

"Sir, with all do respect, we're short staffed today, and if I leave, that means…" I cut myself off. I knew something seemed off about this whole situation. Instead of finishing my statement, I edged over to the counter, my hand sliding under the spot where the register was. I knew Mike kept a loaded handgun there ever since the armed robbery a few years ago.

"I think it's time you leave," I said, my tone harsh. My eyes were locked on his. I watched every movement, waiting for a sign of danger.

"Ma'am, c'mon," he tried again. There it was. The sign. The threat. Danger. Every muscle tensed as I reached my free hand out, squeezing Steve's arm, but in a manner that the man couldn't see. Steve inched towards me, his motions almost impossible to track. The man just looked at me, a pleading look on his face.

"God damn it, how hard is it to get the damn broad away from the counter?" a second man hollered, slamming the door open. His movement set Steve off. Steve, who had been trained on a battle field. Steve was fast. Very, very fast. Steve had the second man pinned against the wall in seconds flat. I turned my attention to the first man, my eyes locking on his hand. As expected, he pulled the heater I had noticed was slipped in his waistband.

The second his was drawn, I pulled the handgun out from under the counter, my aim steady.

"No one has to get hurt," I said through clenched teeth. "Get outta here."

"Oh, lookie here, Marc, we've got a little spitfire telling us what to do," the second man taunted. Steve pressed his arm firmly down on the man's throat, causing him to cough instead of chuckle.

The first man, Marc, seemed uneasy. Almost as if he didn't want to be a part of this. I leveled the heater with his chest, willing and ready to put an end to him if he made the wrong move.

"You wouldn't shot someone," he said, his tone soft, taunting me.

"I will," I hissed, adrenaline rushing through my veins. I remembered back exactly two years prior, when a similar incident had taken place. Mike was amazed that I managed to hold down the fort, without letting the robber get away with any money. This time looked to be different. These two looked like they had a different agenda.

"Marc, fuck it, man, we weren't bettin' on the broken toy soldier bein' here," the other man squealed, his face turning red from the way Steve was holding him so tightly.

"You're lucky this time, Cedar. We will be back," he promised as he slipped the heater back into his waistband, heading towards the door. Steve followed with the second man still tightly in his grip. When they got outside, Steve spun the man away, a look a pure anger on his face.

I took the opportunity to prove my point. I shot at the ground near the men's feet, causing them both to break out in an all-out sprint towards the small cluster of trees across the feet.

Steve turned to me, his face a mix of anger and concern.

"Are you okay?" he asked, coming to my side, taking my face in his warm, rough hands.

"I'm fine," I promised. "Not the first time a couple of freaks came in here lookin' for some easy money."

"You shouldn't have to know that," Steve said gently, taking the gun from my hands. "You're frightening when you've got a heater in your hand."

"That's the point," I smiled smugly. "I didn't spend three months down at the shooting ring for nothing."

"Glory, why in the world did you have to? The DX is normally one of the few stations not to get robbed," he grunted.

"Times are changing, Stevie old pal," I chided. I led the way back into the store. I walked around the counter and dialed Mike's home number.

"Hey Mike, it's Jo," I said before he could say a word. "Jus' lettin' you know, a couple of Socy freaks came in today, dunno if they were planning to rob us or not, but it's all taken care of."

"Are you okay?" he asked, his tone urgent. He was remembering the last time. I was too.

"I'm fine," I promised. "Steve took care of the one guy and the other backed down when he realized I wasn't taking no shit."

"Good, good. Why don't you two lock up early? It's late and odds are it'll be slow anyway," he said gently.

"It's not even 4 yet," I pointed out.

"I don't care. Lock up anyway." His tone told me better than to argue.

"Alright, I'll lock up," I said with a sigh. "See you tomorrow."

"Be careful, Jo-Anna Beth," he said before hanging up.

I shook my head, good and fed up with people worrying about me like I was some helpless little girl. I was almost 25 years old, been through hell and back, and still, people couldn't seem to understand it. I glanced at Steve, who was hovering like an over eager puppy, waiting for me to let him in on the side of the conversation he hadn't heard.

"We had an incident here shortly after I was hired," I explained. "Nothing major, but two hoods came in to rob the joint, one had a knife, the other a gun, and in the process of handing over the money, I managed to get cut up pretty good. Mike's been overly cautious ever since."

"You never thought to tell me that?" Steve barked.

"It never came up. Besides, obviously, I'm fine," I said, my tone slightly harsher than I intended. "I'm tired of people treating me like some helpless girl."

"You are a helpless girl!" Steve barked. As soon as he said it, it was clear he regretted it. I gave him a dirty look, but rather than spark an argument, I simply walked over to the invoice, signed out and tossed him the keys.

"I'll walk home, if that's okay with you, _dad_," I said harshly. I was irritated and just needed to clear my head. I needed sky. And I knew the perfect place to get it.

I didn't wait around for Steve to argue or attempt to catch up. I took the various short cuts through alleys and dark corners, all of which Steve would never think to look, since I generally avoided said places. It didn't take me long to locate the old church that had been boarded up for years. Now, it was used more of a drug house than a place of worship. I moved the wood board away from one of the broken windows and slid in, careful not to make much noise.

"Hey Cedar, heard your boy toy got locked up," a familiar voice came. It was Melody, one of the locals.

"Just getting some help," I said, walking past her. She stuck of smoke, booze and sex. Not a pleasant combination.

"Finally coming to the darkside baby cakes?" James, a longhaired, stick thin man with dirt all over him asked. He was one of the few heroin addicts I didn't despise.

"Just looking for some sky, James," I said coolly. He nodded at that. A lot of us went there just for sky or a place to think. You'd think for a drug house, it'd be loud and chaotic, but it really wasn't. The hippies kept with the hippies, the junkies with the junkies, and us, the dreamers or the 'broken' as the junkies nicknamed us, tended to head to the roof. We all knew our place and knew not to cross the thin line. I'd seen all sorts of people there in my time. Socs, Greasers, middle class asshats. You name it, they've been there.

I headed up the creaky, unstable staircase, making a beeline for my window. At one point, I had shared that exact spot with Dally, only a week before his death. When Ponyboy and Johnny went missing, I needed to get out of the house. The house was sad and quiet, too quiet for a group of guys and a 4 year old. So I grabbed Dally and we headed to my window – my quiet piece of sky. This time, the first time since it all went down, I was headed there alone.

"Hey Jo-jo, welcome back," a thin, greasy haired boy said. He was maybe 14. I'd known him since he was Michelle's age.

"Hey Luke, thanks," I said as I walked past him, not in the mood for idle chitchat. I slid my window open and carefully stepped out onto the platform. From the outside, my spot was completely hidden. Right behind the bell tower, a beautiful Oak tree masking it from the street. I pulled an old Afghan out with me, spreading it carefully over the rotting shingles. I sat down, leaning back against the brickwork of the bell tower.

In that spot, above the street, below the stars, I found myself thinking back to a simpler time. A time where there was laughter than radiated off the walls of my home. A time where my love for Soda wasn't so difficult to maintain. A time where the girls were happy, careless, free. Most of all, I thought back to my younger, wilder days. Days I would spend off getting loaded and causing problems, only to have my mother scold me to high hell when I got home. I missed that. All of it. I missed it like words couldn't describe. Maybe, after everything settles down, I'll have Pony help me put it into words. He's good at that, ya know?

An owl hooted somewhere in the night sky. A gentle fall breeze blew, sending an easy chill through my body. The sensation was a welcomed gift. I loved when the only thing causing me to shiver was the wind. The wind, the cool, simple wind.

All I wanted was for life to be simple. To raise my children the way my mother wanted to raise us. To live happily, without fear of what tomorrow may bring. But when you're a Greaser, you're lucky to catch a break once in your lifetime. It was the sad, cold truth. But I wasn't giving up. It sure wasn't over yet.


	22. Chapter 21 - Realization

"_You know that I've seen  
Too many romantic dreams  
Up in light, fallin' off  
The silver screen_

_My heart's like an open book  
For the whole world to read  
Sometimes nothing-keeps me together  
At the seams_

_I'm on my way  
Well I'm on my way  
Home sweet home  
Tonight tonight  
I'm on my way  
Just set me free  
Home sweet home…"_

– _Mötley Crüe__ "Home Sweet Home"_

* * *

I stayed on my perch for most of the night, not ready to go back and face Steve's concerned stare or Mary's accusing glare. I wasn't ready to face Darry's objective tone or Pony's gentle advice. And I definitely wasn't ready to face Michelle's pleading eyes. So I stayed where I was, lost in the moment, just relieved to have a little time to myself. Quiet, sought after time to spend doing nothing but thinking.

I thought I could get away with staying there forever, but eventually, lord and behold, Tim Shepard climbed out my window, nudging my out of the way with his foot. How he knew I was there was beyond me.

"I 'member Dally saying something about you coming here," he said, almost as if he read my mind. "The guys are lookin' high and low for ya."

"Let'em look," I said tiredly, sort of ticked that he interrupted my thinking. "Why're you here?"

"Didn't wanna blow your cover," he shrugged. "Steve told everyone what happened today. Darry's havin' a cow like usual."

"Oh well," I sighed, breathing in the cool air deeply. "Let 'im have a cow."

"Aw, shoot, Jo, that's not fair. They care about you is all," he tried. Leave it to Tim to make me feel lousy.

"I just needed some sky," I sighed, my eyes shut, my face turned towards the sky. "I'm just so friggin' tired."

"You can't run away from this, Jo-Anna Beth," Tim said, his tone gentle. Why was everyone always using that tone with me?

"I ain't runnin'. Just hidin'," I said simply. "Now, get lost."

"Nope," Tim said stubbornly. "You're stuck with me."

"Why?" I asked, facing him now. I glared at him, growing more and more annoyed.

"Because if I come back without you, Darry'll skin me," he said with a smirk.

"Didn't know you were 'fraid of Darry," I teased.

"I'm more afraid of Steve," he chuckled lightly. "Steve said if you don't come back, he'll skin you himself."

"Can't skin me if he can't find me," I sighed.

"True. Still, go home, Jo, your family needs you," Tim said stubbornly.

"Fine," I gave in. He ruined it for me anyway. I had lost my train of thought and was no longer feelin' the moment. I stood up, shoved him off the Afghan and climbed back through the window. My legs felt like jelly from sitting up there for so long, but after a few minutes of walking around and after tucking my blanket safely away in the little wooden box, I made my way back down the stairs, Tim trailing me the entire time. His old beat up two-seater was parked at the curb. I climbed in the passenger's side and stared angrily out the window.

"Don't be like that, Jo," Tim teased as he pulled away from the curb.

"I feel like a child," I spat.

"Shoot, the second someone makes that mistake, you'll teach 'em," he hooted. "Cheer up."

"There's nothing to be cheery about," I snapped. "Drive." I wanted to get that night done and over with.

We drove in silence and soon enough, we were pulling into the Curtis's driveway. Tim gave me a reassuring smile as he honked the horn, letting the gang know we were back. I climbed out and before I could take one step, Steve was running at me, a look of concern on his face. I groaned and leaned against Tim's car, figuring at least this way he couldn't hall off and smack me.

"Where in the blue hell have you been?" Steve practically screamed.

"Around," I shrugged. "I'm fine."

"You had us scared something awful!" he cried.

"The sooner you learn not to worry, the better," I snapped. I pushed away from the car and headed for the door, my temper getting the best of me. "You're smothering me, Steve Randle!"

He stared at me, his jaw slack, a look of defeat crossing his face. I felt awful for snapping at him, but in the same breath, it felt refreshing to finally have it out in the open. I stormed inside, slamming the door behind me. Darry looked up, instantly registered the look on my face, and decided against saying anything. I stomped into the kitchen and open the ice box, pulling out a can of Pepsi as I went. Then I stormed through the back door, across the yards, into my very quiet, very empty house. I flipped on every light as I walked through the house, mechanically picking up discarded clothing, toys and books as I went. I tossed the laundry in the hamper, before putting the toys in the small, wooden toy chest my father and built for Michelle. I returned the books to their rightful places, before straightening the living room. Then I went on to do dishes, just looking for a way to burn off the anger that was flowing through my veins.

After the house was straightened, I went into Mary's room and folded her laundry, putting them back where they belonged. Of the three of us, Mary was best at keeping a clean room. Next, I walked into Michelle's room and made her bed, folded her laundry, and began putting her toys away. The busy work kept me preoccupied until I opened Pepsi's bedroom door out of habit. I froze as I stared into the dark, messy room. I hadn't stepped foot in it since she died. I walked in slowly, breathing in the familiar smell, my fingers gingerly brushing against her bedspread. My eyes lingered on the ratty old stuffed rabbit that sat on her pillow. I picked it up and ran my fingers over the patchy, matted fleece.

"I miss you so much," I whispered as I sat down on her bed, listening to the familiar creak and groan. That same bed had once been mine, almost two decades ago. Then it was Mary's and Michelle's. I remembered back, when the twins were only a few weeks old, how I was trying to figure out how I could possibly afford to buy a second bed when the two were out of cribs. Darry had volunteered to go in halves with me, said it was for a good cause after all.

The thought brought tears to my eye. I stood, took one last look around the now forever vacant bedroom, before turning to my own. Once there, my eyes fell on the flannel shirt Soda had been wearing the morning he killed our daughter. _He_ killed her. He was the one who lost control. Not me. I had no control over the situation.

As that thought sank in, a sense of relief flooded over me. For the first time since Pepsi's death, I was no longer blaming myself. Instead, the blame laid on the person who delivered the fatal blow. Pepsi's very own father. The man I thought I loved unconditionally. It was then, that I realized that I no longer felt the same way about Soda. He belittled me too many times. He attacked and ultimately killed our daughter, then made a fool of himself at her funeral, a funeral that could have been avoided.

No. The man I fell in love with was kind, gentle, sweet. Not cruel, corrupted and hateful. No. Sodapop Curtis was no longer the man I once knew and loved.

As the thought sank in, I realized what I had to do. Maybe, just maybe, it could be the breakthrough he so desperately needed. I laid down on my bed, pushing his shirt onto the floor before turning off the lamp. I closed my eyes and for the first night in a long time, I slept peacefully.


	23. Chapter 22 - Bittersweet Goodbye

"_Paint yourself a picture  
Of what you wished you looked like  
Maybe then they just might  
Feel an ounce of your pain_

_Come into focus_  
_Step out of the shadows_  
_It's a losing battle_  
_There's no need to be ashamed_

_Cause they don't even know you  
All they see is scars  
They don't see the angel  
Living in your heart_

_Let them find the real you_  
_Buried deep within_  
_Let them know with all you got_  
_That you are not_

_You are not, your skin…" _

– _Sixx A.M. "Skin"_

* * *

My mother always told me, that as long as no one got hurt, one should live their life as they please, as long as they have their best intentions at heart. So the following morning, as I walked down the white washed halls of the mental ward at the hospital, I knew I had to follow my mother's advice. Since the visit had been approved by Soda's doctor, I didn't bother checking in at the front desk. Instead, I followed the signs, locating Soda's room with little issue.

It was early, so no one knew I was coming. Not even Soda. When I stepped into his room, I found him sitting by the window, staring blankly out at the rising sun.

"Soda," I said gently. He turned and faced me, his expression softening.

"You came," he said, flashing one of those trademark smiles. "They said you might come."

"We need to talk," I said gently.

"I don't want to talk," he pouted. He stood and came over to me. That was when I noticed the track marks still on his arms. He pulled me into a warm, secure embrace, and for a single moment, I almost forgot why I was there. He planted a compassionate kiss on my lips – the first real kiss we shared since he returned from Vietnam almost 3 months prior.

"Soda," I said gently, pushing him away.

"Don't do this, not yet," he begged. He closed the door softly behind us, pushing the wooden chair in front of it. "I know what you're going to say, but I don't want you to say it yet." He pushed me onto the bed with more force than I think he intended. I knew where this was going, and for some reason, I didn't object.

Like the very first time we shared our love for each other in a physical way, it was quick, but sweet and filled with emotions. I hadn't felt that alive since the very first night all those years ago. Moments later, we laid breathless beside one another, naked and feeling alive.

"Well, that was good," Soda said awkwardly. I sighed and sat up, pulling my pants back on.

"Soda, we need to talk," I tried again. After we were both dressed, Soda turned back to the window, hiding his face from me.

"I'm breaking up with you," he said flatly. "I think it's for the best."

I was shocked. Though I had come to discuss whether it was okay for us to be non-exclusive, that had not been the direction I thought our conversation was going to take.

"Okay," I said simply. Soda looked at me, his eyes suddenly vacant. I took it as a sign that it was time for me to leave. "Friends?" I asked carefully.

"Always," he grinned. "I think we're better that way."

"I couldn't agree more," I lied. "I love you, Sodapop."

"I love you too, Jo-Anna. Take care."

I exited the room, feeling completely empty and alone. I didn't like it. Not one bit. It scared me. The last time I felt that alone, was the night Cola died.

I walked down the hall, out through the security doors, before entering the busy waiting room. I walked past the families, my heart longing for that – for family. It felt strange, knowing that I had a family at home, yet feeling like I was utterly and completely alone.

I drove back to Darry's house, my stomach in my throat as I pulled in behind his truck. I knew he had the day off, since he willing offered to baby sit the night before. When I walked through the front door, I saw him sitting in the recliner, Steve across from him on the couch, Michelle's head resting in Steve's lap. All three of them looked at me when I walked inside.

"Where were you last night?" Mickey asked softly.

"Out," I said as I tossed my coat over towards the closet.

"And this morning?" Darry asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I went to see Soda," I shrugged.

"You did? How'd that go?" Steve asked. Michelle sat up, watching me with eager eyes. Darry stifled a laugh. I gave him a funny look, then realized my shirt was on backwards. I groaned and, without a single care, took my shirt off, before putting it back on right. It wasn't the first time one of us girls changed in front of either one of them.

"Uh…" I didn't know what to say. "Steve, lemme talk to you in the kitchen," I motioned for Darry to follow us. Michelle, my sweet, intelligent little sister, got the hint and stayed where she was, watching some cartoon on the television.

"What's up?" Steve asked, leaning against the counter while Darry poured us each a cup of coffee.

"Me an' Soda broke up," I sighed, taking a sip of the coffee. Ah, it was perfect. Darry was real good at making coffee.

"You don't look like you broke up," Darry teased.

"Consider it a formal farewell, I guess," I blushed. "Anyway, yeah. He broke up with me."

"Seriously?" Steve asked, genuinely surprised.

"Mhm," I shrugged. Right then and there, I wanted to cry.

"Wow, didn't see that one coming," Darry said. He actually looked like he felt bad. "You good?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "I kinda saw it coming…though not like that."

"Huh," Steve looked like he was thinking about something real hard. "You two still friends though, right?"

"Of course," I chuckled. "Always. You don't just grow up together then stop talking because of a stupid break up."

"That's the spirit," Darry teased.

"Shut up," I hissed, slapping at his arm. It was like old times. Petty drama and easy laughter. But it felt all misplaced. "Can you watch Michelle for a little longer?"

"Sure," Darry nodded. "Why?"

"I need to go for a ride," I sighed. "Steve, wanna come?"

"Yeah," Steve said quickly. "Where to?"

"The stables. I wanna see if the filly's been trained since Red attempted to get her to move and she kicked him," I said with a shrug. In reality, I wanted to see American Dreamer, the new stallion they brought in a week ago.

"Alright," he agreed eagerly. That was the one thing Steve, Soda and me all had in common. We all loved horses. They loved rodeos, I loved free riding. I decided to bring Blade with me. It would do him some good to get used to ponies. Who knew, maybe I'd teach Michelle to ride one day.

The drive was long but quiet. Neither of us really knew what to say. It wasn't awkward though. It was welcomed. As we crossed into the country, I felt my heart leap with excitement. It was the first time I'd be back in the saddle since the accident. I was thrilled. I needed to get out there, get back up on a horse and ride like no tomorrow.

When the tires hit the gravel driveway, it took all my strength not to throw the door open and run to the barn. But I knew patience would pay off. I still hadn't been cleared the ride by my doctor, and it would be hard enough to mount a horse with my bad leg, much less run towards the barn.

The smells and sounds filled the car as soon as Steve decided to roll down the windows. Blade barked happily, his little body wiggling in my lap. Steve smiled down at him before parking the car as close to the barn as was allowed. I tied Blade's leash to his collar and led the way into the barn. Red was tacking up Firefly, one of the older mares, probably for a lesson or something. I smiled as Blade let out a soft bark, the huge horse before him, scaring him half to death.

"Hey, Red," I said softly, picking the puppy up, carefully locking him in my arms.

"Jo, what a surprise!" he said brightly. "You here for that filly?"

"Actually, me and Steve were thinkin' of going for a ride," I said, bracing myself for his reaction. "Figured I'd see how American Dreamer is on the trail."

"Sounds good. Steve can take out Carlos. That colt needs a firm hand these days," he chuckled. "Glad to see you aren't riding solo."

"Naw, not ready for that yet," I chuckled easily. "How'd the filly do with her first real taste of training?"

"Not as well as we hoped," he said with a shake of his head. "Want me to let the pup of yours get out around the ponies while you're gone?"

"That's the plan," I smiled.

"Cool," he nodded. "So how's that pretty little girl of yours?"

As soon as he asked, I felt Steve's arm snake around my waist. I took a deep breath before answering.

"You haven't heard?"

"Heard what?" he asked, his eyes locking on mine.

"Pepsi…Pepsi's dead," I said, my voice hitching in my throat.

"Oh my god," he said, leaning heavily against Firefly. "When?"

"About a month ago," I said, forcing a sad smile. "A lot's happened since the accident."

"I heard about Soda being committed, but that's all," he said, eyes wide. "You and him still a thing?"

I shook my head. He smiled sadly and shook his head. "It's a shame, you know? You were finally getting everything together and to be thrown curve ball after curve ball…"

I wanted to kick him. I didn't ask to come down to the stables just to be reminded of all I'd lost.

"I'll get the horses tacked up for you," he said quickly, realizing his mistake. "Why don't you take your puppy out to the field? Lacey's out there with the new mini ponies. I'm sure she'll be more than happy to watch the pup."

"Thanks, Red," I said, turning towards the pasture used to turn the smaller ponies out. The stable was known for its miniature and Shetland ponies, which was half the reason I wanted to take the puppy with me.

I turned Blade over to Lacey while Steve was talking to Red about the trails and whether or not he thought it was a good idea for us to go on them after what happened. I took my time going back to the barn, knowing that it would take Red a few minutes to get both horses tacked up.

I wandered towards the ring, watching one of the older jockeys turn barrel after barrel with ease. She knew what she was doing, and her horse followed. It was a beautiful sight. The bond, the partnership. The understanding. It was one of the many reasons I loved riding. A horse knew exactly what you wanted and needed them to do and they never questioned that. I smiled, forgetting about what had happened earlier that morning.


	24. Chapter 23 - Here's To Us

"_Here's to us.__  
Here's to love.__  
All the times that we've messed up.__  
Here's to you.__  
Fill the glass.__  
Cuz the last few nights have kicked my ass!__  
If they give you hell,__  
Tell them Go fuck themselves.__  
Here's to us.__  
Here's to us._

_Here's to all that we kissed,_

_And to all that we missed,  
To the biggest mistakes that we just just wouldn't trade._

_To us breakin' up,_

_Without us breakin down.  
To whatever's comin' our way!" _

_– Halestorm "Here's to Us"_

* * *

I mounted Dreamer as soon as Red assured me that his saddle was on as tight as it would safely go (I wasn't in the mood to be turned upside down because of a stupid mistake) and as soon as I was seated in the saddle, all my worries, all my doubts faded away. Steve reached across the small space between me and Carlos. His winded his fingers through mine as we kicked the horses into an easy trot.

Hand in hand, we rode in silence, until we reached a small clearing, a field where wild flowers grew. The path was unmarked, not really meant for people to venture on. But I knew this place as well as I knew home. I knew the trail, every twist, every jump, every turn and every dip. Where the trail narrowed, we were forced to drop our hands. I took it as a chance to kick Dreamer into a canter, his pace absolutely perfect. That stallion was so sweet and behaved that it amazed me that anyone would ever sell such a star off. I kept up at that pace until we reached the little spot I had been longing for since the day Pepsi died. It was a beautiful little spot, surrounded by big trees, wild flowers with a little pond facing the setting sun. I pulled Dreamer to a halt and dismounted, struggling to keep my balance as I tied him to a tree.

Steve followed me as I walked over to a shady spot and sat down. He sat beside me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. My heart raced in my chest. This felt too right to be true. Thoughts were running through my mind as I looked into his icy blue eyes. A smiled played on his lips as he stared back, his eyes shining in the bright light of the setting sun.

Could Steve have been the one all along? The one that kept me together when no one else could? Had I been wrong when I thought Soda was my better half? Was this worth the risk?

None of those questions needed to be answered, not right then, not right there. Instead, when Steve dipped his head, his lips grazing mine, I let my heart lead, knowing the rest would follow. I snaked my arms around his shoulders, making the kiss more intense, more passionate. Soon, I was on my back, Steve hovering over me, his eyes burning with an emotion I've only ever seen once. We only broke our kiss long enough to breathe. He slipped his hand under my shirt, carefully tearing it off, throwing it towards the rock that shielded us from view. He fumbled with the clasp of my bra. I moved my hands under me as I unhooked it, letting it fall to the side.

Soon, we were undressed, breathing heavy as we moved in perfect time, our bodies molding into one as the sunset behind us, casting a beautiful golden hue over the man before me. His sandy blonde hair glimmered, his eyes shining. He looked amazing.

We went slowly, exploring each other in a whole new light. It was sweet, filled with emotions. I smiled as he dipped in to kiss me, his body warm against my skin. It was beautiful. The entire moment felt perfect.

We didn't fall apart until the sky was turning a dark blue, light pink mix. Steve pulled away and flopped down beside me, carefully sliding his pants back on. I did the same, before retrieving my shirt. I tried to reassemble myself, but my adrenaline rushed through my veins, causing my hands to shake. Steve smiled and helped me unravel the mess of fabric until we both looked more presentable. We leaned back, his arm around my shoulder, my head resting peacefully on his chest.

"That was…amazing," he whispered, kissing the top of my head softly.

"Mm" I agreed. I didn't want to talk. I wanted to enjoy the moment, to secure the memory in my brain for the rest of my life.

"Look," he whispered, pointing up at the sky. "Make a wish." A comet flew across the sky, its tail the only real sight that it was ever there. I smiled and silently wished that this moment could mark the start of something good. Because we both needed…we both deserved it.

"You know, I've thought about it…us a lot," Steve said softly. I looked up, my eyes meeting his. "I mean, I knew you were with Soda and all, but it didn't make me stop thinking about you this way."

"I know," I said with a small smile. "I've…well I've thought about it too."

"Really?" he asked. "Is that why you went to see Soda today?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "I was going to ask if he felt it was better for us to be non-exclusive."

"And that's when he broke up with you?" Steve asked.

"No, I never got to ask," I chuckled. "I guess we just fell out of love or whatever."

"It happens," Steve shrugged. "You remember how in love I was with Evie."

"Of course. When you two broke it off, you wouldn't even talk to a girl for a whole month," I teased. "She wasn't good enough for you."

"You're right," he said sweetly, planting another kiss on my forehead. "I always kind of liked you…" his tone was shy, unsure. "Even when we were kids. But you always seemed so wrapped up in Soda…"

"I think along some line, I wanted…needed really, Soda to be the one," I smiled. "I wanted to be a Curtis so bad, that I didn't even open my eyes to the facts."

"You're a Curtis at heart. We all are," Steve said. He was absolutely right. At heart, we were all one big, happy, dysfunctional family.

"We should be getting back," I said softly. The sky was almost black. The small clearing was lighted by only the moon. Carlos and Dreamer were growing restless as the cool autumn breeze blew in.

"Yeah," Steve agreed. He pulled me to my feet and helped me mount Dreamer after we untied the horses. Together, we wound our way back through the trails, until we could hear the soft whines of the horses out in the pasture. We slowed to a smooth trot, our hands locking as we cleared the distance, reaching the barn just as a cold breeze began. I shivered as I dismounted, leading the young stallion into the barn, where Red took charge of untacking them. Steve retrieved Blade and together, the three of us made our way back to the car.

We drove off into the moonlight, both of us in much better spirits than we had been that morning.


	25. Chapter 24 - True Friendships

"_From the time I was a kid, I always knew something was going to happen to me. Didn't know exactly what__." _

– _Elvis Presley_

* * *

Steve and I tried to keep our newfound relationship on the down low in the beginning, but by the end of the month, we were too close and too intimate not to make it public. Darry seemed happy that we finally were happy, really happy. He claimed to have known for a long time that we'd end up together. Ponyboy was excited, because Steve was even more happy and more calm and kind than before. Mary wasn't too sure of the whole thing, but she accepted it like I knew she would. Two-Bit, being Tw-Bit, made a lot of jokes, but he was sincerely happy for us as well. Michelle took to Steve even faster than she did Soda, and soon, she was more like our child than my sister.

Tuffy had grown into a beautiful, well-mannered cat, who watched the days' events unfold around her with little care. Blade was growing into a very handsome young dog, who looked more like a bear than a dog. He'd walk around with his chest puffed out, protective and obedient. It was a nice change of pace.

Soon, any memories of the last few months began to fade, leaving us all feeling a lot lighter. Steve officially moved in with me, making my house feel like a nice, cozy home.

The days passed quickly as we slowly went through what happened to him overseas. It wasn't easy for him, and by the end of the night, he'd want to do anything but talk, so we did. We spent hours going through childhood photographs, watching movies, just spending time getting to know one another again.

Two months later, I got some very unexpected news when I went to the doctor for my final x-ray.

"Well, your leg has healed beautifully," the doctor said. His smile grew as he read over my chart. "And congratulations. You're pregnant!"

I didn't know how I should take the news. Steve now knew that the same day we made love for the first time that me and Soda had as well. When I told him the news, he said he didn't care which of them had fathered this child, that he would be the best damn dad he could be.

I couldn't believe how well he took the news. We had talked about having kids in the future, but both of us agreed that we really didn't want kids any time soon. Unexpected as it was, it was also a welcomed event. We all went out for dinner and a movie that night, just spending it as we would have any other time.

It felt amazing. Knowing that we were slowly getting our lives back. Michelle celebrated her 9th birthday and boy, was she happy when I told her she had a pony. I had talked it over with the guys at the stable, and when Mercy went up for sale, Steve and I pinched pennies to buy the little ol' pony for Michelle. Michelle now spent most of her time down mucking stalls to pay for lessons. It made me proud to see her working so hard for something she's wanted her entire life.

I was out at the stables with Michelle when I saw the familiar Ford pickup pull in. Darry stepped out, squinting his eyes against the blaring sunlight. Michelle was about to head out on Mercy, while I was waiting for Steve so we could head out on Pepper and Cole, the two newest additions to the herd. Red had seen an ad for them, and after Rob and Mary saw it, they decided to buy the two, under the agreement that Steve and I would come by at least once a week to ride. Since I was already down almost every day with Michelle, it wasn't hard to keep up our end of the bargain. The young mare and stallion were siblings and best of friends. They were great together, and two of the few horses that could ride side by side on the narrower trails without problems. They were large horses, both thoroughbreds and beautiful at that, but they were gentle, sweet, and so well mannered, that there was very little training involved. Rob wanted them for lessons more than show, so it was a win-win situation.

"Hey Dar," I called. Darry walked over, a grim look on his face. "What's wrong?" My heart sank. Michelle hopped off Mercy's back, suddenly sensing the urgency of this visit. Darry rarely came out to the stables, because the cost of gas was outrageous. Steve and I actually made a habit to walk everywhere else so we could afford the gas to get Mickey out every day.

"Soda's been released," he said carefully, almost as if expecting some big scene or something.

"Okay?" I didn't know what his point was.

"He doesn't know about you and Steve," Darry said flatly. That was when it hit me. Soda didn't know. He didn't know that the mother of his two dead children is pregnant. He didn't know that she's been fucking his best friend behind his back. He didn't know that his ex-girlfriend and best friend hooked up.

"Shit," I muttered. "Mickey, if I leave you here for a few hours, are you gonna be okay?"

"Sure," she nodded. "I'll have someone drive me home afterwards."

"No, Steve and I will come get you. Around 7, okay?" I said quickly. "Here's a dollar, buy yourself something to snack on while you wait."

"Sis, I don't need your money. You leave me here all the time, shoo, go take care of the problems before I get home," she laughed. "I want Steve to finish reading me that story tonight. And if you and Soda and Steve are all at each other's throats, that isn't going to happen."

"Smart kid," I laughed, patting her head. "Have fun, wear your helmet and please, be careful."

"Yes mom!" she laughed. She mounted Mercy and kicked her into a trot, leaving me faced with another problem.

"Want me to follow behind you or…?" I asked.

"No, you'll ride with me," Darry said quickly. He made it quite obvious that he was worried about the whole situation.

"It's Sodapop, Darry, not the end of the world," I sighed as I walked towards his truck. Blade ran between my legs, having seen the direction I was heading. He spent as much time down at the stables as Michelle did, so he was used to the routine now. He hoped into the bed of Darry's truck and sat patiently while I tied his leash to the spare tire. He laid down after that, ready for the long ride home. He seemed more ready than I was, to say the least.

I got into the passenger seat, not at all surprised that the truck seemed to be full of the tension Darry was putting off.

"Why are you so worried about this?" I asked softly.

"He's just now better. I don't want to screw that up," Darry said softly, turning the truck into reverse, carefully pulling out of the gravel parking lot.

"You mean you don't want me and Steve to screw that up," I corrected him sourly. I didn't like that he was trying to blame the entire situation on us.

"I didn't say that," he said harshly.

"You didn't mean to," I growled. I stared out the window, extremely annoyed with his attitude.

When we reached the house, I wasn't sure what to think. Instead, I tried to block every emotion as I got out, untied Blade, and slowly made my way into the house. The house was an eerie quiet when I got in. I was actually grateful Darry decided to cut through my house first. It gave me a chance to put the baby gate up, so Blade couldn't get outside, while feeding the cat real fast before I left. I grabbed my coat off the table and slipped it on, feeling overly conscious of the small baby bump beginning to grow. It was small, barely visible, but I wasn't taking any chances.

I slipped out the back door, careful to keep Blade inside, before walking the short distance between the two houses. I made a mental note to put up some kind of fencing after the baby was born, just so that when he or she got older, they'd be able to play in the yards without disturbing anyone in the house.

Darry was already there when I walked into the kitchen. Steve was leaning against the counter, a look of frustration on his face. At first, I couldn't understand why, but then, the loud crash that came from the living room told me that Soda already knew.

"He's pissed," Darry sighed, shaking his head.

"He shouldn't be," I said coolly. "He broke up with me."

"That doesn't matter!" Soda growled coming into the kitchen, his eyes ablaze.

"Soda, it's not like that," I tried, my voice soft. "Just calm down and listen to me."

"What's there to listen to? How long have you two been fucking each other behind my back?" he spat.

I shot a look at Steve, before carefully thinking out my lie.

"A few weeks," I said carefully. "But it's not like we planned for it to happen, especially not behind your back."

"Bullshit!" he snapped.

"Soda, please, listen to yourself, man," Steve said softly. He looked like he'd just been punched in the face. I'm sure that's what it must have felt like. Him and Soda had been friends for as long as we had been, if not longer.

"Ain't there a code or something?" Soda growled, his anger diminishing. He quickly deflated, the anger leaving his face, replaced by sadness. "I thought you loved me." He directed the last part at me.

"I did – I do Sodapop. More than you know. But it was never meant to work out between us. You and me, we were always better as friends," I said as kindly as I could muster. His features relaxed as he took a step towards me. I reached out, carefully taking a step forward. I slid my arms around him, hugging him as tight as I dared. "Soda, you're one of the most important people in my life. Regardless of everything, you're still the only person who knew just what to do and say with every curveball life threw my way."

"I'm sorry, Jo-Anna Beth…for everything," he whispered.

"I'm sorry too," I breathed. I looked up at his dark, chocolate eyes. "Friends?"

"Always," he nodded. He looked over at Steve, who was awkwardly watching our conversation unfold. "You too Steve."

The tension faded quickly after that. I let the two friends chat, while I went to call Red to drive Michelle home. He never had any problems with it, and he knew I'd make it up to him. As expected, he agreed with no problem. As I was hanging up, Mary came through the backdoor, her face pale, her expression strained.

"What's wrong?" I asked immediately.

"It's Ponyboy…"


	26. Chapter 25 - Lifelong Changes

"_Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through your fingers. So much time you can waste it.__  
__But for some of us there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know."__  
__―__Lauren Oliver__,__Before I Fall_

* * *

**5 P.M. **

Steve said he'd wait for Michelle to get back from the stable before driving down to the hospital to wait for the results with us. We were all too shocked to argue. It was the last thing we really expected.

Mary wouldn't talk at all. She just stared blankly ahead, her eyes wide, her face a sickly shade of grey. Darry's expression masked how he was feeling, but we all knew he was terrified. Shit, we all were. Soda was quiet. Really, really quiet. I wasn't sure if it was because he was fully taking in the situation, or because he was still in shock.

"Mar, just give us something. We really, really need to know what the hell happened," I tried again. She didn't even look at me. Instead, her cupped her head in her hands, trembles rolling off her body.

"We were driving too fast. Way too fast," she whispered. "I think the breaks went out or something. Pony's a real good driver, you know? But…I dunno. We lost control of the car. Then that little girl ran out in front of us…Shoot, he had to swerve, ya know? To not hit the kid…" her voice broke as she relived the last hour of her life. "He told me…he told me to put my hands over my head and turn towards him. He said not to be scared…" she coughed, her shaking becoming overwhelming. "There was glass everywhere…the airbag didn't go off right. His head…god, Jo, he hit the steering wheel so damn hard…." Suddenly she bolted to her feet, barely reaching the trash bin in time. I followed her, holding her long curls out of her face, rubbing small circles in her back.

"He's gonna be okay, Mar, I promise," I said gently, my tone as soothing as I could possibly make it. She looked up at me, her eyes full of tears.

"He was dead, Jo-Anna. I know. I was the one who fumbled with the damn seatbelt to get him out of the damn car. He was dead," her words struck me like a rusted knife. I had to struggle to support both of us as her knees gave way. We slid to the ground, my younger sister tightly wrapped in my arms.

"They brought him back, Mary, they brought him back," I chanted over and over. "Pony's time's not up yet," I said.

"Jo, you aren't listening to me, he's dead!" suddenly, she lashed out, her eyes wild. I groaned internally as she tried to pull away from me. Much to my relief, that was when Steve ran into the waiting room, having just arrived with Michelle, who automatically ran to Darry. She looked scared. Steve sank to the floor beside Mary and me, pulling her away from me, securely locking her in his strong arms.

"Shhh, Mary, he's gonna be okay," he said, his tone far more sure than mine. "He's gonna be just fine, you'll see."

* * *

**11 P.M. **

"Family of Ponyboy Curtis?" a nurse called. We all stood up. She looked over his chart before motioning for us all to sit down. We all did so, except Sodapop, who's pale face and scared eyes showed what we were all feeling. Absolutely terrified.

"Ponyboy suffered some major injuries when the car crashed," she said carefully, wording it in a way that made it sound far less scary than it really was. "There was some internal bleeding, which Dr. Smith quickly managed to stop. It's the swelling on his brain that's concerning us right now. We'd like to go in and try to reduce the swelling, but his body is in shock and is not responding to medicine…"

Mary's face went completely blank. Steve's arms tightened around me as we listened to the nurse drone on. Words like _life threatening, permanent brain damage, _and _unlikely recovery_ stood out. I felt my stomach drop with every word she said.

Another nurse joined her shortly after, her face grim.

"We have yet to stabilize him. Now, despite it going against hospital policy, Dr. Stone is familiar with your family, and is willing to allow you each to see him before he goes back into surgery, one at a time, and very, very briefly," she said carefully.

Darry and Soda went first. They moved as if they were hoping time would stand still. It broke my heart. I knew what the nurses were saying. They had said the same thing the night my mother died.

"_Family of Nikole Cedar?" the nurse called. I nudged my father, who was half asleep in the chair. My shirt was still stained with blood, but my sisters were locked in my arms regardless. _

"_We're doing all we can to save your mother, but the outcome looks grim. The doctor recommends coming in before we go into surgery and say your goodbyes," she said bluntly. Mary was old enough to comprehend what was going on, but Michelle was just a baby. All she knew was that her mother was really, really sick._

_Tyler stood beside me, his arm around my shoulder, his other hand on Thomas'. We followed along as the nurse led us through the whitewashed hallways, up to the ICU. _

_The scene before us would haunt us for the rest of our life. Our mother was hooked to all sorts of machines. The erratic beeping of the heart monitor, the steady puffing sound of the oxygen mask. Her face was deathly pale._

_Our goodbyes didn't last for long. Within a few minutes, her heart failed and she was gone. Just like that, our mother was dead. _

"Jo," Steve said softly, squeezing my arm. I blinked and looked up at him. "It's…our turn," he said gently. I nodded and stood up, my head spinning as we followed the nurse through the halls, her shoes making virtually no sounds across the cement floors.

When we reached his room, my heart sank. For what felt like the millionth time, I was greeted with the sound of a heart monitor. The puff puff of an oxygen mask. Wires crisscrossed across his chest and arms.

"Oh, Ponyboy," I moaned. My legs gave way, and if Steve hadn't been there, I probably would have fallen on my face. "Don't take him," I whispered over and over, the reality finally catching up with me.

"Jo," he whispered.

* * *

Seeing him like that reminded me of my time overseas. The countless men lost on a daily basis. I didn't spend much time in the makeshift hospitals, the medical tents or the care barracks, but after they finally brought me back, after all that time searching for Soda, I got a real taste of horrible, heart wrenching terror.

The cries. The screams. The agony written across the faces of men who would never walks again. Never touch their wives again. Never hold their sons or daughters. The sight of men who wouldn't be coming home alive.

The smell was sickening. The too clean, too chemically clean and stomach turning smell, that could only be smelt when in a medical place. The bright lights and low tones. The beeping, the buzzing, the whizzing and puffing. It was all too familiar. All too real.

"Jo," I whispered as she collapsed in my arms, the sight of Ponyboy laying on those white, scratchy sheets with wires and tubes sticking out of him, all too much for her to handle. I didn't know what she was feeling. I could only acknowledge what I, myself, was feeling.

"Ponyboy, you keep on fighting, ya hear?" I said, trying to sound strong for Jo's sake. But god, it wasn't easy. This was going to crush our families. Our family. We couldn't take any more heartbreak. Not Soda or Darry or Mary. Not Jo or Michelle. None of us could handle any more heartbreak.

The nurse escorted us back to the waiting room. Jo barely moved her feet as I half dragged, half carried her back to our seats.

In the waiting room, I took in the faces of our family.

Darry looked sick to his stomach with concern. Soda was leaning against him, bitter tears rolling down his cheeks, his shoulders shaking as sobs racked his body. Michelle was sitting in Two-Bit's lap, her face buried in his chest, sobbing loudly. Mary…well Mary looked like she was going to go into shock at any moment. She was breathing hard, tears streaked down her face. Her hair was a mess, her shirt drenched in blood. I sat Jo down, draping my coat around her shoulders before kneeling in front of Mary, my eyes locking on hers.

"He's going to pull through," I promised her. Deep in my heart, I knew he just had to. I never really cared much for the kid growing up. He was the pest-like kid brother of my best friend. But after everything our gang…our family has been through, he was as important to me as anyone else. Deep down, I knew losing Ponyboy would be the final straw. Losing him would put an end to any hope of a bright future…

* * *

**Two Days Later…**

"He's waking up," Mary said from where she sat, her hands tightly interlocked with Pony's. In the last 48 hours, we saw a lot of improvement all around, not just with Ponyboy.

Steve and I were almost certain that this turn of events would lead to Soda doing heroin again, but much to our surprise and great relief, he didn't. Instead, he spent every single moment at his baby brother's bedside.

We all looked at Ponyboy from our respected spots when Mary said those three, simple words. Sure enough, he was beginning to stir. I held my breath. This was the moment we had all been waiting for. Two-Bit hurried out of the room to get the doctor, who returned with him only a moment later.

"Son, can you tell me your name?" he said after a few minutes. Ponyboy looked confused for a moment, but when he opened his mouth, a smile spread across all of our faces.

"Ponyboy Curtis. I'm 19 years old. Born in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Brother of Darrel and Sodapop Curtis. Son of Martha and Darrel," he rattled off with ease.

"Glory, Ponyboy, you sure did have us scared something fierce!" Two-Bit exclaimed. We all laughed, because this was the moment we had been hoping for, the moment we had all prayed to whoever was listening, that we would be able to hear. The best news we could have hoped for.

"I'm starving!" Pony cried, a smirk crossing his face.

Mary had tears of joy streaming down her face. She leaned down and kissed him so passionately, we could all actually _hear_ the way it made Pony's heart jump.

"Careful Mar," I chuckled. Steve wrapped me in his arms, smiling widely.

We couldn't have hoped for better news. In the same breath, the entire experience…the last 48 hours had changed our lives in a way we'd never be able to fully explain. Those two days had been the longest, most emotionally draining days of our lives.

I think looking back, we all took something home with us after that. The three weeks Pony spent in the hospital proved to be three weeks that all of our lives changed. We all finally realized just how precious life really was. Even Two-Bit, who spent the entire time making jokes. Even Michelle, who was still so young, so innocent. Shoot, I think even our damn dog took something away from the experience.

Soda seemed happy for the first time since returning from war. Steve and I…well that's something we'll talk about another time. Darry, he's more appreciative of every single moment he has with his family and friends. Two-Bit actually got a real job. I know, shocking right? Mary said yes when Ponyboy proposed to her. We all knew she would. Michelle, she, at eight years old, actually read the first chapter or two of _Gone With The Wind_ to Ponyboy while he was recovering in the hospital, repeating the words he had to sound out for her, until she perfected them. I think of all of us, she was the one who really realized that even though our parents are dead, she still had a whole gang full of big brothers looking out for her.

Soda even opened up to us about his time overseas. He talked it out, one moment at a time, explaining what triggered him, what still made him jump or flinch or panic, and even told us what made him feel real safe. It really was a moving month. A month we all could look back on years later and remember that in the blink of an eye, a very special, very important life was almost taken, but wasn't. A life that changed all of us for the better, due to an accident that was out of his control.

* * *

_A/n - This chapter was actually originally supposed to be a one-shot, from almost five years ago, that I never bothered to post. While going through an old file on one of my flashdrives, I came across it, and decided after changing a few minor details (like originally it was Darry who was in the accident, not Ponyboy), I thought it would fit perfectly with the final few chapters of this story. With that said, I'd like to thank everyone who has stuck with me, through both this story and the original "Ain't So Easy". I've decided that once this story ends, that'll be it, there won't be any continuation. So I'm working on getting the last few chapters completely typed out and wrapped up, so the conclusion is as sweet as I'd like it to be._

_I'm open to minor suggestions, if anyone has any - but I'd like to point out, that this was the last bit of "drama", the last few chapters will be sweet and ultimately, after debating it for some time, the ending too, will be a happy one. Or bitter-sweet, I should say, but you'll see why when the time comes._

_Again, to all of you who have favorited, followed, and reviewed - I love you. I do. It makes me so happy to know that you're out there, reading what I write. Actually, I think it's the reason that this has become my longest fan-fiction ever. So thank you, for having faith in me and sticking with me while I told this twisted tale!_


	27. Chapter 26 - Time For A Wedding

"_We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them, fall into mutually satisfying weirdness – and call it love – true love. _

– _Robert Fulghum "True Love"_

* * *

Steve proposed to me on January 1, 1972. It was a month after Mary and Ponyboy's wedding. I was 20 weeks pregnant and really showing, but it didn't matter. The night as perfect. We were all gathered in the living room of the Curtis household, watching the ball drop of the small black and white television. Blade was spread out across Michelle's lap, his long fur proving to be warm and soft in the winter months.

Michelle had fallen asleep but none of us had the heart to wake her. Before Steve proposed, Mary and Ponyboy shared some exciting news.

"So Two-Bit's been making jokes about it for a while now…" Mary chuckled softly. "But I think it's time we let you all know," she went on. Ponyboy was beaming brightly as Mary stood up, lifting her t-shirt to show us her belly. I was surprised to see that she was clearly pregnant.

"Congratulations!" Soda said excitedly.

"How far along do you think you are?" I asked.

"I should be due in July," she said brightly. "We've known for a few weeks."

"Is that why you wouldn't wear ma's wedding dress?" I asked sheepishly. She blushed and nodded, her long curls bouncing up and down.

"We had a little scare early on, so I didn't want to get too excited," she explained. "But everything seems to be okay…"

"That's wonderful news, Mar," I said brightly. "Looks like they'll be only a few weeks apart!" I was due in late April or early May. We weren't entirely sure. Steve kissed my cheek, before turning to me, his eyes shining. As the old coo-coo clock rang in the new year, he got down on one knee, produced a beautiful diamond ring from his pocket and whispered the words I'd been waiting to hear for a very long time.

"Jo-Anna Beth, would you do me the honors of marrying me?"

"Oh Steve!" tears ran down my cheeks as I nodded. I saw flashes go off as Soda snapped a couple pictures, smiling hugely, his dark eyes dancing with excitement. Obviously, Steve must have told him about it. He slid the ring onto my finger before pulling me into his arms. The embrace could have lasted forever for all I cared. I was happy. We were all truly happy.

* * *

"Mary, come on, I don't even care if we have to change all the colors just to find a dress you like, let's go!" I called. Mary was sulking, swearing up and down that she wouldn't find a dress to fit her right since she was already showing. I leaned against the doorframe, my hand lingering on my own growing belly.

"That's easy for you to say! You're the bride, you'll look beautiful in anything!" she cried. She clobbered over me to, wearing one of Ponyboy's oversized flannels. "Can't you choose someone else as your maid of honor?"

Not a chance. I was your maid of honor, remember? You made me pick out a frilly pink dress because pink and white were your colors. We kept it simple. Cream and lavender. Lavender will look beautiful on you," I chided.

"I don't feel like looking at dresses!" she moaned. "I just wanna kick my feet up and relax!"

"The weddings in two days. We haven't even gotten dresses yet. And Darry's gonna help us change them up a little after we buy them, so c'mon, I'd like to get this over with sooner rather than later!" I teased.

"Urgh!" Mary groaned, pushing herself off the wall. She stomped down the hall, sounding like a spoiled brat. We had spent a lot of time and money on her wedding, so Steve and I decided to go cheap with ours. We were scheduled to look at a few second hand dresses that morning, since we were both pregnant, and there was no way I was willing to spend our life's savings on a dress I'd only wear once.

"Don't forget to figure out what you're doing with your hair," I added as I headed towards the door. "Mickey, you gotta come too. I need to see if that dress Angela was talking about will fit you."

"Okay!" she said brightly. Unlike her older sister, Michelle was very excited for the wedding. She was our flower girl, and she was more than willing to find a pretty, lavender dress to wear.

"I'm thinking we might put your hair up in the pretty braids mama used to do for us girls for special holiday dinners," I thought out loud as I ran my fingers through Michelle's thick curls.

"You mean the cute hairstyle in the pictures?" she asked, pointing at the family portrait on the mantle.

"Exactly!" I said brightly.

We wound up spending hours trying on dresses before we settled on the perfect ones. Michelle's dress was short, but not too short, with frill and lace at the bottom. Mary's was a pale lavender color, and only had to be let out a very little bit to fit her belly. I decided against buying a new dress and instead, bought off white fabric so Darry and I could take out my mother's wedding dress.

* * *

The morning before Steve and my wedding, I spend hours making the little flower displays that would be the centerpieces to the tables at the small, very easy to set up reception. The Diner had agreed to let us use it for the reception, since they were more than willing to do what they could to help.

Steve was smiling widely that afternoon when he saw me standing in the bedroom, trying to figure out what I was doing with my hair.

"You're beautiful," he said sweetly.

"Mmm," I muttered, a bobby pin in my mouth.

I was trying to twist my curls into the bouncy, corkscrew curls my mother wore to her own wedding. I gave up after a few more fruitless minutes, too annoyed with my hair to keep playing with it. Instead, I leaned over Steve, who was sitting on the bed, and kissed him sweetly.

"Ready for tomorrow?" he asked, his blue eyes dancing.

"Of course!" I laughed. "Are you?"

"Mhm," he smiled up at me. "Too bad our honeymoon is going to have to wait until after the baby's born."

"Yeah, and after we save up money to actually go on a honeymoon," I teased. He laughed and pulled me down beside him. "Have you written your vows yet?" I asked, cuddling up against him.

"Yeah, have you?" he responded.

"Mhm, mine have been written for weeks now," I laughed.

"Good. So, you gonna let me see how much you and Darry fixed that dress up?" he motioned to the black garbage bag that was pulled over the wedding dress.

"Not until tomorrow! It's bad luck for a groom to see the bride in her dress before his wedding day!" I teased.

"Hmm, don't need any more bad luck!" he laughed.

We chatted like that for the rest of the evening. The family gathered in the living room for one last dinner together before we started our new lives. Mary was more excited that she'd been the entire time, and everyone was in good spirits. When it was time to call it a night, we were all antsy with nerves and excitement for the day ahead of us.


	28. Chapter 27 - Wedding Day Part 1

"_You are the only one_

_The only one that sees me  
Trusts me and believes me  
You are the only one  
The only one that knows me  
And in the dark you show me  
Yeah it's perfectly reckless  
Damn, you leave me defenseless  
So break in  
Break in_

_You let me fall apart without letting go_  
_Then you pick up the pieces and you make me whole_  
_I didn't want to escape_  
_From the bricks that I laid down"_

– _Halestorm "Break In"_

* * *

The morning of our wedding, I woke far earlier than needed, but I did so with a purpose. I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and one of Steve's old t-shirts and after feed the cat, I grabbed Blade and climbed in my truck. We drove in silence down the quiet, snow covered streets, until we reached the cemetery. It was a cold, February morning. Valentine's Day. Steve and I had agreed on the date because it was cliché, it was cute, it was the one day we could both willingly agree on.

I pulled my jacket tighter around me as I tied Blade's leash around his collar before parking the truck. Even covered in snow, I knew where my family and friends were laid to rest like the back of my hand. I walked through the thin layer of snow, Blade at my side, until I reached a familiar plot, a plot I had visited more than anyone else over the years. I wanted to sit down, but since it wasn't an option, I crouched down and gently brushed the snow off the plot.

"Hey Mama," I said softly, tears in my eyes. "I wish you could be here today, to see your oldest daughter walk down the aisle. I wish you had been there to see Mary off. She was beautiful, you would have been so proud. Today, me and Steve are getting married. I know, crazy, right? I think you knew all along. I think that's why you didn't care whose house I slept at. You knew I would marry one of them one day. Well mom, you were right. I'm getting married. We're pregnant too. Me and Mary both are." I bit back a sob as I continued. "It's been a really good start to this year. Really, I mean that. I'm happy, really happy for once. I just wish you and dad were here. Darry's going to give me away at the alter today. Just like Soda did for Mary. We thought it was sweet, matching us to the Curtis brother we were closest in age to. Too bad that won't work for Michelle. But shoot, she's got plenty of time before she get married." I rubbed Blade's head, trying to stop the flow of tears that were freezing to my cheeks. "I'm wearing your dress today. Darry helped me tailor it so it would fit right. We had to take it out some, since my belly's getting too big for normal clothing. I know you'll be there in spirit, looking down upon us. I hope you are. I love you mama, so very, very much."

I stayed there a moment longer, as the sun began to rise above the trees. I kissed my hand and laid it on the cold marble plot before standing back up, walking slowly towards the truck. I couldn't decide if I was excited, nervous or sad. Bitter-sweet was the best way I could describe that morning. I wanted to stay out a little longer, but I knew I had to prepare for the wedding. It wasn't going to wait. I didn't want it to. I wanted it to be exactly how Steve and me dreamed it would be.

As I drove home, Blade laid his head on my lap, licking my arm softly as I steered. It was adorable, because in a way, I think my little buddy was trying to remind me of all the good in life at that moment. I pulled into my driveway, narrowly missing Tuffy, who was chasing after a mouse.

"Who let you out?" I teased, scooping her up in my arms. She purred in response, rubbing her furry head against my cheek tenderly. I smiled and kicked open the door, setting her down on the windowsill before closing the door behind me. The plan was, that Steve would get ready at the boys house, while Mary and Darry helped me get ready at mine. Since Michelle was easy to get ready, all I had to do was her hair before sending her over to ride with Soda and Two-Bit. Darry was going to help me do a once over with the dress, a few minor tweaks here and there, before driving me to the church.

"I was beginning to worry you got cold feet," Mary teased when she saw me walk into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee. "Where'd you go?"

"To see Mom," I said, having picked up on the boy's dialect over the years. "I feel like she would want to be here, ya know?"

"Uh-huh," Mary nodded. "Nervous?"

"Should I be?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I was, and we didn't even write our own vows!" she chuckled.

"I'm not, amazingly," I smiled. "I'm more excited than anything else."

"That's good, it's your wedding day, you should be excited," Darry stated as he joined us, having let Blade outside so he couldn't get in our way. "Steve's having a miniature meltdown about forgetting his vows," he added with a light laugh.

"Improvise darlin'," I chuckled, glancing at the clock. "We have to be there at four right?"

"Yeah," Mary said, smiling widely. "Why?"

"There's nothing I'd like to do before we start getting ready," I said lightly. "But Steve can't see me leave. Soda said it's all set up, I just have to go pick it up."

"What're we picking up?" Darry asked, giving me a suspicious look.

"The new car. I never much liked having babies in the truck, you know?" I said carefully. "So Soda helped me get a good deal on a four-door impala. It's a beautiful car, fast too, I think Steve'll love it."

"You bought Steve a car?" Mary gasped. "You really are the perfect girl for him!"

"Ha-ha!" I snorted. "No, I bought the car for the family. But it's in his name, so I guess I kinda did," I laughed. I went to the back door and let Blade back in, before looking at Darry expectantly. He sighed and grabbed the keys, before opening the back door so we could sneak out the gate.

We drove down to the DX, and as promised, Soda had the jet black, four-door '67 covered with a white sheet. I pulled the sheet off and smiled as the car glistened in the bright sunlight shining through the open garage door.

"Want me to drive it back?" Mary asked.

"Oh no, we're not driving it," I chuckled. I went around to the other side of the garage and looked around for the chains Soda had promised he'd leave out. Sure enough, everything we needed to tow the car home was there.

"You're kidding," Darry groaned when he realized what I was implying.

"Not one bit. Back the truck up nice and slow and let's get this baby home," I said with a huge grin. Mary shook her head, clearly amazed that I knew exactly what I needed to do.

"Soda's taught you too much," she groaned.

"He didn't teach me how to tow a car," I pointed out. "Dad did. He said every woman should know five things about cars. How to gas 'er up, how to change a tire, how to change the oil, how to make 'er shine and how to tow 'er home," I rattled off, using Dad's monotone statement. "This way, 'you're never stranded, without gas, with a flat tire and no chains'," I quoted.

"When did he teach you all that?" Mary asked, surprised. After our mother died, it was rare for me ever to spend time in the house, much less with our drunken father.

"When I was around Mickey's age. Dad took me out to the garage and made me spend all day learning all the little things about cars. From changing a tire to checking the exhaust, to what parts got really hot and what parts were safe to touch," I explained, a sad smile on my face. "That was before Dad got mean."

"I never knew that," Mary said, her eyes shining with tears. "It's like how Mama taught me to play the piano and learn the little lullaby's she'd sing when one of us was sick."

"Exactly," I smiled. I helped Darry set the chain up before climbing into the bed of the truck. "Let's go, I've got a wedding to prepare for!" I sang happily.

Back at the house, Darry helped me zip up my mother's wedding dress. The long, flowing gown fit perfectly, hiding the Chuck Taylor sneakers I was wearing. Being pregnant, and not very coordinated, we all agreed it was safer for me to wear flats instead of heels.

Mary helped me pin my hair back, my curls flowing in loose cork screw curls, falling down my back like a wave of golden corn silk. I then did Mary's hair, before carefully applying a light layer of makeup.

Once we were both dressed, as an afterthought, Mary placed a few lavender rose buds in my hair, bringing out my eyes more. She smiled at me as she embraced me, her eyes glossed over with happy tears.

We both slowly made our way back to the living room, where Darry was brushing out Blade's fur before tying a thick, lavender ribbon around his neck. The dog seemed like he knew it was a special day, because he waited patiently while Darry carefully curled the ribbon around his fingers, until the ribbon had a cute little curl to it.

"You dress up well," I chuckled, rubbing the dog's head. "Everything ready?"

"Soda's got the rings, Kat promised to have the basket of rose petals at the church, and from what I know, the guys and Michelle are already on their way," Darry said with a smile. He was still focused on the dog, so when he stood up and looked at Mary and me, his expression changed completely. His eyes widened like saucers, a smile creeping on his lips.

"You look stunning," he breathed, giving me a once over.

"Thanks," I blushed. I wasn't used to so much attention.

"Let's go," Mary said brightly. "Before Blade manages to get tangled on something." She motioned at Blade, who was chasing Tuffy around.

"Tuff-Stuff, c'mere!" I called. The young, graceful cat padded over to me, her feet making no sound. I knelt down, careful not to wrinkle the dress as I scooped her up in my arms. "You're in charge of the house until me and Steve gets home, okay Tuff?" I said, kissing her head. She purred merrily, her tail swishing back and forth as let her jump out of my arms. I was about to reach for Blade's leash, when I realized that if I tied it to him, it would ruin the ribbon. Instead, I decided just to open the door and let him run out himself.

"After you," Darry said, laughing, holding the door open for me. I smiled, hitched up the dress, and carefully walked down the stairs, Mary carrying the tail of the dress gingerly.

"We should have thought this through better," she noted as we reached Darry's truck. There was no way all three of us were going to fit in the cab, not with the monstrous dress I was wearing. And the bed of the truck was too dirty, even for Darry.

"There's a sheet in the back, I'll lay it down," he said quickly.

"In that case, Mar, you take shot-gun," I chuckled.

"No way! It's your wedding day, you are not riding in the back of a goddamned truck!" she glared.

"Mary, I _like_ riding in the bed of the truck. Besides, my about-to-be husband is a mechanic, it wouldn't be right not to show up in style!" I said with a laugh. Darry smiled as he lifted me into the bed, carefully avoiding letting the gown touch the ground.

"Ready?" He asked.

"Yeah!" I said brightly. Blade sat beside me, his feet crossed in front of him. That dog had good manners when he had to. The drive didn't last long, seeing as the church wasn't that far from the houses. Once we got there, I took a deep breath, my stomach full of butterflies as I waited for Darry to help me get out of the truck. Normally, I'd have raced Blade over the side, but in a dress that was longer than I was tall, the normal routine wasn't even an option. As I waited, I found myself smiling widely at the event that was to unfold in just a few minutes. A moment I had been waiting for, for so long, it felt like a dream come true. Because it was. It was a dream come true.


	29. Chapter 28 - Wedding Day Part 2

"_Wise men say only fools rush in  
But I can't help falling in love with you  
Shall I stay  
Would it be a sin  
If I can't help falling in love with you_

_Like a river flows surely to the sea_  
_Darling so it goes_  
_Some things are meant to be_  
_Take my hand, take my whole life too_  
_For I can't help falling in love with you_

_Like a river flows surely to the sea_  
_Darling so it goes_  
_Some things are meant to be_  
_Take my hand, take my whole life too_  
_For I can't help falling in love with you_  
_For I can't help falling in love with you"_

– _Elvis Presley "Can't help falling in love with you"_

* * *

Darry helped me out of the bed of the truck, then Mary quickly rushed me around to the back of the church. Apparently, even though we had been running late, we were still early. Blade followed at my heels, not used to such freedom in public.

"Your hair got messed up," Mary scolded, quickly straightening my curls.

"Mar, I'm marrying Steve. We're greasers, you're lucky I didn't come to my own wedding in jeans and one of his work shirts!" I teased.

"Still, you're supposed to look beautiful on your wedding day," she growled.

"Mary, stop," I shooed her away. "I'm done being everyone's Barbie."

"Jo, you don't even look happy to be here!" Mary scolded. "Don't tell me you've got cold feet!"

"Of course not. But it's been 24 hours since I laid eyes on Steve. I'm more eager to see him than anything else!" I cried.

"Oh!" she giggled. "Well, I can't help with that right now, but you do have a visitor," she said, nodding at the door. She walked over and in came Soda, his eyes dancing with excitement. His tie was crooked.

"Soda, c'mere!" I laughed, adjusting the tie before giving him a hug.

"Wow!" he breathed. "You look amazing!" His eyes twinkled. It made me happy to know that he was happy. He was Steve's Best Man, and that made me even happier.

"You clean up good too," I chuckled. "Everything okay?"

"Mhm, Steve's going crazy, but ya know, that's normal," he teased. "He can't wait to see you."

"I can't wait to see him either."

We made a little more small talk before he kissed me on the cheek and rushed out of the room. The ceremony was about to begin.

We took our places. Mary was ahead of me and Darry, Michelle behind us with Blade at her side, the basket of rose petals in his mouth. At the end of the long aisle, stood Soda, and beside him, Steve, his black tux shining in the lighting of the church.

As the wedding march began, my heart began to race. As we passed the rows of people who had gathered to see us off, my eyes fell on Two-Bit, who was holding a camera, a huge grin on his face. Beside him sat his younger sister and his mother. Tim, Curly and Angela were also in the crowd, along with Steve's co-workers and mine alike.

Mary made it to the alter first, turned, smiled at me and waited for Darry to give me away. Darry smiled at me, tears shining in his eyes as he leaned down and kissed my cheek before lightly nudging me forward.

I stepped up to the right spot, tears filling my eyes as I looked into Steve's eyes.

The minister smiled at us both as he cleared his throat to begin the ceremony.

"Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses, to join Steve Randle and Jo-Anna Beth Cedar in holy matrimony commended to be honorable among all; and therefore is not to be entered into lightly but reverently, passionately, lovingly and solemnly. Into this - these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together - let them speak now or forever hold their peace." He recited. Not a single person stood. I smiled as I looked out to my friends and family, my heart dancing with joy as the minister moved on.

"The couple has chosen a simple poem, one many of you are familiar with," he said, smiling brightly. "The Master Speed by none other than Robert Frost."

I heard Two-Bit laugh. Ponyboy actually picked the poem, since he actually read more than either Steve or myself.

"No speed of wind or water rushing by  
But you have speed far greater. You can climb  
Back up a stream of radiance to the sky,  
And back through history up the stream of time.  
And you were given this swiftness, not for haste,  
Nor chiefly that you may go where you will,  
But in the rush of everything to waste,  
That you may have the power of standing still –  
Off any still or moving thing you say.  
Two such as you with such a master speed  
Cannot be parted nor be swept away  
From one another once you are agreed  
That life is only life forevermore  
Together wing to wing and oar to oar." He read. Steve smiled brightly at me, his icy blue eyes glossed with tears.

The minister paused for a moment, smiling at us both.

"Who gives this woman to be wed?" he asked, smiling at me.

"I do," Darry said, smiling hugely from where he stood beside Soda.

The minister nodded. "The couple has chosen to read their own vows. Steve, please begin." Before Steve said anything, he pulled the wedding band from his pocket, a smile a mile wide on his face.

"Jo-Anna Beth, we've known each other for more years than I can count. We've gone through hell and high water to get to where we are now. Through it all, you've been a constant reminder that there is good in everyone. That no matter where we go, no matter what we do, we'll do it together, for better or worse." A single tear rolled down his face.

"The last few years haven't been easy for any of us, yet we've all pulled through, time and time again. You're the sunshine on a rainy day, the light leading me home at night. You're the stars in the sky and the voice behind all the reassurance and will. You're everything I've ever wanted and more. I love you more than I can even express. Like The King himself said, 'Take my hand, take my whole life too, for I can't help falling in love with you'." He beamed brightly as he slid the wedding band onto my finger as he repeated after the minister, "I do."

"Jo," he nodded. I smiled and pulled the ring from the little pocket in the dress, before looking deep into Steve's eyes.

"Steve, you've been a constant in my life since before I can remember. Regardless of where and why life led us, we have always found each other in the end. When I was lost, you found me. When I was broke, you put me back together again. You helped me get over some of the most devastating events in my life, and made sure I never faced this world alone." Tears welled in my eyes as I kept going.

"You've been my knight in shining hair grease. A diamond in the rough, my mother would have said. You're braver than anyone I know, stronger and more determined than most. And when you look at me, I feel the compassion and desire. When you touch me, I feel safe – secure and loved. You're my world, my everything, and so, so much more. I love you with my entire heart and soul and will until the day I die. As was said in the Wizard of Oz, 'Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable,' and I'm quite alright with an impractical heart," I looked into his eyes as I slid the ring onto his finger, my heart leaping in my chest. He smiled at me, his eyes shining, tears rolling down his cheeks. I too, repeated after the minister, tears filling my eyes as I said "I do."

The minister smiled at us both, before closing the ceremony with a line from the very same song Steve had quoted. After, he looked at us with a huge grin before saying, "I now pronounce you, man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Steve had me in his arms before the man had even finished his sentence. The kiss was passionate, burning like the world was on fire around us. I wrapped my arms around his neck and for a moment, it felt like we were completely alone. Darry cleared his throat, causing us both to break apart, laughing softly.

"I now present, Mr. and Mrs. Randle!" the minister said before we turned, carefully walking down the stairs as "Can't Help Falling In Love With You," played. Michelle handed me a bouquet of lavender roses before we walked out the church doors, our hands intertwined, smiles on our faces.

Rice rained down on us the moment we were outside the church. When I threw the bouquet, Two-Bit ended up catching it, which made us all crack up laughing. Steve and I kissed again, this time, no one interrupted us. After, we both jumped in the back of Darry's truck while he drove us to the Diner, where the reception was to be held.

To say the least, that day was the best day of my entire life. I would never forget it. Neither would anyone else.

* * *

_A/n – Excuse the fact that it is very possible that my wedding ceremony was a little…um, untraditional. I've never been to, nor witnessed a wedding before, so I relied heavily on Google to help me get it right. __ I hope you all enjoyed! _


	30. Epilogue - Ain't Over Till It's Over

"_Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children."__  
__- William Makepeace Thackeray_

* * *

**April 13****th****, 1987**

My mother died exactly 15 years ago, today, on my 15th birthday. Dad doesn't talk about it often, but as I got older, Soda filled me in. It was two months after my parent's wedding. My mom was driving the truck home from work, when a drunk driver ran a red light, smashing into the driver's side of the truck. My mother was rushed to the hospital, where the doctor performed an emergency C-section, saving my life, while my mother…she didn't make it.

Dad named me Bethany Joanna, after my mother. On that fateful day, my aunt, Mary, was also killed, her unborn child along with her. From what Aunt Mickey has told me, both my mother and my sister were loving, bright people. Mickey, on the other hand, turned dark as she aged. We're pretty close in age. She's only about 8 years older than me, but you'd never be able to tell.

I live in a small house, with my uncles, Sodapop, Ponyboy and Darry, my dad, Steve, and my aunt, Michelle, as well as Darry's son Shaynne, Soda's son Seth, who we all call Sprite, and Soda's daughter, Missy. Darry's girlfriend left him after Shaynne was born, leaving Darry to raise their son alone. Soda didn't go into much detail over where his children's mother was, but we all safely assumed that she too, left the picture early on. Michelle swears she never wants kids, that watching me and Shaynne, and Missy and Seth was enough for her.

We also have a dog, Motley, named after the somewhat new, glam rock band, Motley Crue. She is the great granddaughter of Blade, the dog my mother had.

I was listening to "Too Fast For Love" when my dad walked in after a long day at work. His eyes didn't dance much anymore, but they did today.

"Hey Beth," he called. I heard him set his keys on the table by the door like he did every evening.

"In the kitchen, Dad!" I called. Motley barked happily, her furry tail wagging a mile a minute as my dad walked through the door. "How was work?"

"Same as always. How was school?" he asked, stooping to kiss the top of my head.

"Boring," I sighed. "We're covering some stupid war stuff," I said, nearly kicking myself as soon as the words left my mouth. "Sorry."

"Don't be. The past is the past. Have you started your homework?" he said, smiling at me.

"Not yet, it's Friday, can't I wait until tomorrow?" I whined. I knew if I gave him the puppy-eyes, he'd let me wait.

"Fine, but you better get it done tomorrow. Do you have plans tonight?" he asked sheepishly.

"I want to visit mom," I said with a shrug. "I don't want to celebrate my birthday, if that's what you're getting at."

"But it's your 15th birthday!" my dad said with surprise. Up until I was 11, I actually liked celebrating my birthday. But not this year.

"I don't care dad," I said with a shrug. "Can you drive me down to the cemetery?"

"If you really want me to," he sighed. I saw the disappointment in his eyes.

"Dad, I love you, you know that?" I forced a smile as I walked towards the back of the house to get Missy and Seth ready. Seth was 11 and Missy was 9, so it was up to me to keep those two in check. Shaynne was turning 14 this year, but he didn't babysit nearly as much as I did.

"Missy, put on your shoes," I said softly, handing her my old pair of Mary Jane's. She slipped them on without a fight. "You too, Sprite," I called over my shoulder. He was sitting on his bed flipping through an old comic book. "Seth, come on," I called. The use of his real name made him hop off the bed and start digging under it for his shoes.

"Is today your birthday?" he asked, pulling one of his sneakers out from under the bed.

"Mhm," I said, helping him find the other shoe. "That's why we're going to visit my mom."

"Can't me and Missy stay here with Shaynne?" he asked, looking up at me with pleading green eyes.

"No. Shaynne's at football practice," I said with a shake of my head. "Anyway, your dad asked me to watch you two today, so that's what I'm doing."

I pulled Missy's hair back out of her face before handing her a light sweater. Sprite was already out of the room, running down the hall like a mad man. I held out a hand for Missy, who took is happily as we too, walked down the hall.

"Why are we visiting your mom?" Missy asked as I lifted her over the gate that kept Motley from the bedrooms. I let Motley sleep in my room, but as a general rule, during the day, she wasn't allowed to be in the back of the house since no one was home to keep her from chewing.

"Because I miss her," I said softly.

"You can't miss someone you've never met," Sprite pointed out sourly. He wasn't happy about me pulling him away from his comic books. But his words hurt.

I didn't know my dad was listening in on the conversation, so I was surprised when I saw him come up behind Sprite, his arms crossed his chest.

"That's enough Seth," he said, his tone bitter.

"But it's true! She never even met her mom!" he cried.

My dad was 'bout to say something when I stepped in. "It's okay. He's right," I said, grabbing his arm. I led both of the kids into the living room, sat them on the couch, then went over to the old oak bookshelf that sat against one wall. I searched for the album with the pink binding, and when I found it, I pulled it out from under the other albums.

"My mom loved pictures," I explained, sitting down between my two young almost-cousins. They were more like my brother and sister than anything else. "She had pictures from every occasion." I flipped open the album and showed them the very first picture. It was my mother holding Ponyboy only days after he was born. I remained silent as I went through the other pictures. There were so many, it was hard to remember which was taken when.

As I neared the end of the album, my parent's wedding picture shined up at us.

"My mom loved my dad with her entire heart and soul," I whispered. I pulled out the piece of paper that was tucked between the photographs. It was my mother's wedding vows.

I took a deep breath and read them aloud for Sprite and Missy.

"Steve, you've been a constant in my life since before I can remember. Regardless of where and why life led us, we have always found each other in the end. When I was lost, you found me. When I was broke, you put me back together again. You helped me get over some of the most devastating events in my life, and made sure I never faced this world alone. You've been my knight in shining hair grease. A diamond in the rough, my mother would have said. You're graver than anyone I know, stronger and more determined than most. And when you look at me, I feel the compassion and desire. When you touch me, I feel safe – secure and loved. You're my world, my everything, and so, so much more. I love you with my entire heart and soul and will until the day I die. As was said in the Wizard of Oz, 'Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable,' and I'm quire alright with an impractical heart."

I didn't know my dad was standing behind me until he squeezed my shoulders.

"Your mom was the most beautiful, courageous woman I've ever had the pleasure of knowing," he said lightly, lightly kissing the top of my head. "I see her in you every single day."

I smiled up at him, my heart torn between feeling sad and feeling proud. Sprite looked ready to cry. I think he finally realized that though I never met my mother, my family…our family, made sure I knew her. They made sure I was able to share in on the memories that I would never get to experience for myself. For me, that was enough.

Michelle came storming through the door after that, her dyed black hair and thick makeup making me look frightening, even by today's standards. I wore my makeup heavy, mimicking the looks of the rockstars I admired, but Michelle, she wore hers dark because she never got over losing her sisters. She hated the world, and she made it known. She said nothing as she stormed passed us, slamming her bedroom door with enough force to shake the entire house.

"Ready?" Dad asked, looking down at me. I nodded and pulled both Sprite and Missy off the couch with me.

We piled into the impala, Motley's big head pressed into my lap, as we drove through the streets of Tulsa, out to the cemetery my mother was buried at.

The drive took a little over 45 minutes, but we all remained silent. That day, no one was cheery.

At the cemetery, I led the way to my mother's grave. I sat down on the damp grass, tears in my eyes as I silently told my mom about the last year. Every year on my birthday, my dad would bring me down to the cemetery after we cut the cake and opened presents. This year, I had made it clear that all I wanted to do was spend the day with my mom. I sat there for a real long time, not wanting to leave my mother's side ever again.

But have it as it may, eventually the air got cold and my dad insisted that we got back to the house. Reluctantly, I stood up, tears falling from my eyes as I silently bid my mom farewell once again. I kissed the palm of my hand and laid it on the cold, marble marker before turning to face my father. Tears were in his eyes too. He pulled me in for a hug, resting his head on top of mine, before leading the way back to the car. The same car my mother had bought for a wedding gift to my dad.

I sighed as I climbed in, a light rain beginning to fall. It seemed fitting. As we drove off, I found myself remembering the lyrics to "Home Sweet Home" by Motley Crue.

"You know I'm a dreamer,  
But my hearts of gold  
I had to run away high  
So I wouldn't come home low  
Just when things went right  
It doesn't mean they were always wrong,  
Just take this song and you'll never feel  
Left all alone

Take me to your heart  
Feel me in your bones  
Just one more night  
And I'm comin' off this  
Long and winding road

I'm on my way  
Well I'm on my way  
Home sweet home  
Tonight, tonight  
I'm on my way  
I'm on my way  
Home sweet home

You know that I've seen  
Too many romantic dreams  
Up in lights, fallin' off  
The silver screen

My heart's like an open book  
For the whole world to read  
Sometimes nothing-keeps me together  
At the seams

I'm on my way  
Well I'm on my way  
Home sweet home  
Tonight, tonight  
I'm on my way  
Just set me free  
Home sweet home"

I looked out the window and watched as the rain began to pour. As we drove through street after street, for the first time in a very, very long time, I felt as if I would never truly be okay. Because I never got to have my mother sing to me. I never got to have her read to me, or share memories with me or just talk to me like my dad does. It would never be perfectly okay.

But that too, was okay. Because I knew I had to be strong. Day after day, year after year, I'd keep going, my head held high, as I watched from a distance how the 'lucky' children got to live their lives.

Because one day I'd be something great. One day we all would.

Like my mom used to say "It ain't over till it's over."

**The End.**


End file.
